[Mere-Observer]

Hi Everyone,

I'm new to this community. I have been going through DPDR for a few years now. It's only NOW that i have been able to truly understand it and have started a journey towards improvement. When i say i understand it, i understand only the way DPDR has affected me and what caused it. Reading other people's stories here, i can relate to a lot of symptoms but each and every case is unique. As in, the triggering event/s, the lifestyle of each individual and mental capacity to cope with DPDR, they all vary.

My DPDR symptoms began affecting me 3 years ago. Why do i say that it began affecting and not that it ALL STARTED 3 years ago? Because i believe i have always carried it ever since i was a kid. I have always felt something was not right with me as i could compare my experience with my siblings. Growing up i was diagnosed with Asthma and had to take a lot of medications for that. It got cured after 10 years, when i turned 17. My DPDR condition was enhanced by those medications, however i was still able to function as normal person. Fast forward 13 years(during which time i had graduated, started working etc.) an event triggered my DPDR and put directly from the 2nd to the 5th gear. That event was my Marriage. My siblings got married and apparently did not have any problems. I thought i would be just fine. But i was so wrong. My DPDR kicked into the highest gear and i was not the same person anymore. My life was not the same anymore. It began with a thick fog on mind all the time. It was as if my eyes are looking through a thick glass wall that is enclosed with smoke/fog. Then came the numbness. I could not feel anything, no emotion whatsoever. I stopped feeling all and any emotion. It was in a way, kind of calming too. But so not human like.Up until that point, i thought may be i have overreacted to my marriage and it will go away but it got worse. My emotions for anyone my wife, my family and friends were non existent. It was extremely painful. My desire to live was gone. I was a robot that would eat, sleep, work but not feel anything. Nothing gave me joy, Nothing.

Being an engineer by profession, i always took pride in my work. I loved to work and spend time in office. Once my mental condition got worse, i started having lapses in my memory. I would blank out at times during work. I could swear i even forgot who am i and what's my name? It got truly very scary. For the first time in my life i dreaded coming to work. Basic commands used in softwares that i had on my fingertips, went missing most of the times. I was beginning to lose confidence of my colleagues and bosses. Interacting with others in meetings became excruciatingly painful. My mind went blank so often that i would write everything that i could possibly think of before a meeting.

So imagine this, living with a wife you don't love and have no sentiments for, always having a sheet of fog enveloping your mind and covering your eyes, not being able to remember things that were important to you and most of all questioning your own existence. The void inside grew ever so large, i could've easily drowned and vanished in it. I have been living that and have reached a point where i did not want to continue living. I gave up my job as i could not keep up with it and felt i was not doing justice to my role. I stopped driving as this fog and numbness of my mind could have easily put other people's lives in jeopardy. I ended my marriage after consultation with my therapist.

What Now?

I have started to feel better with my lifestyle and routine changes. I have not been working for a few months now and it took away the stress of work and pushing myself too hard. I started working on my health, my overall health. I am jogging in the morning and take long walks in the evening. I completely stopped with junk food and processed stuff. I don't watch a lot of TV or movies, because i felt they did make my condition worse as i would start day dreaming and the fog would thicken. In Fact, i would recommend anyone reading this to try and not watch TV or use phone internet for a couple of weeks. It is helping me for a fact and now when i watch TV/phone, it is only for brief moments and ONLY to watch news and stuff that does not take my mind into the wonderland.

I still have DPDR. I still have the fog and the numbness and the memory with gaping holes. I still don't/can't drive. But i feel much better. The symptoms are diminishing every week. I feel the more physical exertion i do, the less time/energy my mind has to play all those tricks on me. I do not fight my mind anymore. I let it be. But i follow my new lifestyle religiously. It's like cutting a deal with the devil. I don't try to impose the "normality" on my mind and in return it let's me follow my routine. It's not as easy as it sounds and sometimes its a real drag. I know i won't be completely healed as quickly as i want to, But

i have hope and i have the will

PS: Sry for the long post, i would love to interact with you guys and hopefully, we can give each other some help in getting over our problems. Sometimes even relating to someone helps you calm down.

 

[REB]

Welcome to the forum, Mere-Observer.

I don't have the mental capacity to read your entire post, but i think i get where you're coming from, and cognitive impairment seems to be your main concern anyway

I just want to say that a significant percentage of DPers seem to experience cognitive impairment to varying degrees of severity.

Some of us, such as myself, experience the highest degree of severity-Cognitive paralysis. I am not alone in this. Not even close. Just have a look around this forum.

This phenomenon is referred to as Blank Mind around here.

Everyone is different, but in my specific case, my brain seems to work as a fuse box by shutting off the circuits that are causing me harm during periods of emotional distress

to prevent me from going crazy or just protect me from the unpleasantness.

I guess this could be referred to as celebral dissociation or something. The problem is that my brian doesn't turn them back on, and i have to learn to live with

less and less brain power. I've also lost a great deal of emotional range.

 

[Mere-Observer]

Hi REB and thanks for welcoming me here

Myself or anyone cannot fully fathom the severity of other's condition. I can relate to most people because i too, had given up on myself because my brain refused to wake up and feel anything. It still does give me a hard time but as i said, i don't fight it anymore.

Coming to your condition, i'm sure you must've analyzed yourself. The event/s that triggers your DP, are they still frequently happening in your life? If yes, then isn't there a way to remove them from your life? (Plz forgive the simplicity of my queries, i'm hoping/assuming that you already know what triggers or has triggered your DP)

I am not an expert obviously but one thing i do know is that i had to give up everything, i mean EVERYTHING including my family and then start taking baby steps. I could not have emotional stress in my life at all. It was keeping my brain from getting out of the fog. Your last sentence is exactly how i felt few months back, in fact i was unable to feel ANY emotion at all. The issue is that the brain should not feel in danger. If you have something/someone that causes your brain to get into this state, you have to get away from it/them. It is a question of your survival.

 

[RunToMe]

Hey Mere-Observer,

i am from germany and i do suffer until 5 months after my ex-girlfriend slip me weedmuffins under by hard emotional numbing and partically physical numbing (dont get tired, exhausted, feel like a machine). Its so hard for me to see the nature, my friends or other enjoyable hobbies, because i compare it with older happy exprience. For me its horror to go jogging and feel neutral instead of warm joyable feelings like before. All aspects of life is aversiv and gives me kognitive dissonance. I cant relax at any time, my body feels so uncomfortable and depressed. So i sit the whole day around and do nothing, i quit my job too. Its hard for me to do my normal life further on. I feel like in a trap. Its hard for me to imagine to go the way like you do. I dont know what to do and cant imagine to do it like you. I dont know how long i stand this condition. How can it be to loose all feelings ? Its a surreal and unbelievable. All things dont matter and has no sense without feelings. I would like to stay in touch with you and to support each other. Greetings from Dieter

 

[Mere-Observer]

Hey Mere-Observer,

i am from germany and i do suffer until 5 months after my ex-girlfriend slip me weedmuffins under by hard emotional numbing and partically physical numbing (dont get tired, exhausted, feel like a machine). Its so hard for me to see the nature, my friends or other enjoyable hobbies, because i compare it with older happy exprience. For me its horror to go jogging and feel neutral instead of warm joyable feelings like before. All aspects of life is aversiv and gives me kognitive dissonance. I cant relax at any time, my body feels so uncomfortable and depressed. So i sit the whole day around and do nothing, i quit my job too. Its hard for me to do my normal life further on. I feel like in a trap. Its hard for me to imagine to go the way like you do. I dont know what to do and cant imagine to do it like you. I dont know how long i stand this condition. How can it be to loose all feelings ? Its a surreal and unbelievable. All things dont matter and has no sense without feelings. I would like to stay in touch with you and to support each other. Greetings from Dieter

Hi Dieter,

Thanks for your post

I understand and feel for you. The simple fact of the matter is that when it comes to treating mental illnesses like DPDR, there is no "ONE SIZE FITS ALL" treatment. What works for me, may or may not work for other people despite the symptoms being similar. Mind is an infinitely complex organ. Even experts/Doctors revert to TRIAL AND ERROR approach.

I have tried to give my honest and open suggestions to people because i have felt better following those very routines. I or anyone else on here, cannot claim to know the ultimate cure for it. All we can do is advise others based on our own personal experience, because let's face it, internet is filled with so much information (some authentic and some not) that no one needs a wikipedia copy/paste on this website.

I see posts from other people here saying that physical activities makes it worse for them or that watching TV/internet does not affect their condition. In my case it is contrary. It can happen, we are all different in so many ways and our minds cannot have the same reaction to same activity.

I urge you to read my post once more, i had to sacrifice everything in order to start feeling better. May be you can look into your life and try to connect a few dots. I'd love to hear more from you and hopefully help you in simplifying things.

 

[RunToMe]

Hello Mey-Observer,

thank you for your answer. I am very hopeless after 5 months suffering and feel like living in hell. My conditions seems like 24/7 without any changes due to my doing. It seems that the horrortrip induced by weed seperated me from emotions and physically processes, and that makes so hard to live further on. In the first months it was possible to cry a litttle bit and i felt unrest. Now the biggest problem is, that i have enormous problems to sleep even the fact that i take sleep pills. So my brain has not the chance to regenerate. I dont know what to do now ? Kind regards

 

[RunToMe]

Hello Mere-Observer,

where do you know that you feel better sice you started to change your life-style ? KR Dieter

 

[Mere-Observer]

Hello Mey-Observer,

thank you for your answer. I am very hopeless after 5 months suffering and feel like living in hell. My conditions seems like 24/7 without any changes due to my doing. It seems that the horrortrip induced by weed seperated me from emotions and physically processes, and that makes so hard to live further on. In the first months it was possible to cry a litttle bit and i felt unrest. Now the biggest problem is, that i have enormous problems to sleep even the fact that i take sleep pills. So my brain has not the chance to regenerate. I dont know what to do now ? Kind regards

Hi Dieter,

Sorry i couldn't reply to you yesterday.

I will send you a message (check your inbox later). It is something i wrote for another person who asked me about how i have been treating my DPDR.

But i must stress on one thing, don't apply it word for word. You know your body/mind better than anyone. If exercise makes you feel worse, don't do it.

Your DPDR was caused by drug use only (if i understand you correctly) while mine was due to a combination of medicine use and emotional trauma. I'm not a big fan of medicines and so i chose a lifestyle change. Even if that meant that progress was slow initially. The thing is, i am fighting my mind with my body. I'm making my body healthy and strong, so that in turn it is causing the brain to feel that it is in control (may be more blood flowing to your brain is helping). It's like starting your car in cold weather when the engine doesn't ignite. What do you do? you make the wheels turn by pushing the car, so the wheels in turn rotate the engine and it helps it in the ignition process. The car starts.

I still feel numb at times and my brain is surrounded by the fog. But i have stopped panicking now because i have felt good with my new lifestyle and i know that the fog will go away sooner or later.

Have you seen any therapist? what is your current lifestyle/daily routine? If you want to message me, please do so. May be we can sort out a thing or two together

 

[Mere-Observer]

Hello Mere-Observer,

where do you know that you feel better sice you started to change your life-style ? KR Dieter

Hey, i don't understand your question. Can you please clarify?