[kill9]

I was always a shy and introverted kid, very sensitive and thoughtful. For some reason, I always felt guilty for no known reason accompanied with a sense of dread, this could be because I was raised by my extreme Catholic parrents and for a while, I bought in to it. I would pray for hours on end. I think now because the thought of going to hell scared the shit out of me, strange how time changes things, when I was 12 or 13 my beliefs and values all changed, though I no longer feared death I still had the constant fealing of dread and anxiety. I started smoking weed at around this time, and for a couple years things were great. My first highs were so fun and I was probably the happiest I had been in my life.

When I was 17 (last year) My stoned exploits stopped being so enjoyable and I started getting anxious and just all around strange thought patterns. Previously, the wierd logical patterns and balances I would discover in my stoned state were all outwardly based, like about the universe and reality. Now they were all focused inward, I remember I used to call the weird thought patterns "the game" and as I found connections and patterns that helped make sense of this game, I called it "leveling up" After a while though, the game stopped being so fun and interesting. It turned into a self destructive thought process, which would obliterate me psychologically, when I was high, I could not think normally at all. All of my thoughts had to do with the game and how my slowly disintegrating psyche fell in with it, I was putting up all kinds of barriers in my head, and these were destroying me. I think I have a good idea of what schizophrenics go through being trapped in their own minds, This panic with no escape and no rationality had me on the egde of killing myself.

One day a friends of mine found some shrooms and a couple of my friends decided to trip. As most know set, setting and environment are what makes or breaks a trip. I was not great friends with most of these people and should have considered this before I delved into my first trip. I will spare some details of this trip as this story is already pretty long and get right into the dp part. The vibes of our group were getting tense and uncomfortable. Two of my fellow trippers almost fought and this started the downward spiral so to speak. I very stupidly smoked weed at this point even after having so many bad experieces, Immediately the terrible thought loops start again, and I was tripping very hard. I was getting very anxious and nervous and just wanted to be away from these guys. At one point I was talking to a friend, (the only one who I connected with the whole trip) and all the sudden right in the middle of a sentence( like my awareness increased 10x) I felt this shift in my brain. It happened in less than a second then all of the sudden I was in an alien and strange level of consciousness.

I remember losing my sense of humour and the simple ways of communication seemed foreign to me. I was opperating on a whole new level, but for some reason, it felt familiar almost like dejavu or a lucid dream. Though I'm almost certain I've never been dp'd before, because this is something you would remember! I heard a buzzing in my ears, and volume and sounds took on different form. It felt like a very important part of my brain had shutoff, and I was left in a primitive and unpleasant state. This was my first experience with DP, I have had a couple more since then but luckily they only last from a matter of minutes to a couple days. I have only so far gotter dp'd from marijuana esp in combination with a stronger hallucinogen. Another way I fucked up was forcing myself to smoke through the panic attacks, I think this might have done a lot more damage but I was convinced I could reason my way out it and get that old happy high like I used to always get.

If anyone know what I'm talking about in reguard to "the game" please post. Hope someone reads all of this, thanks

John

 

[Guest]

Welcome John,

Great post - I'm glad you put your age in there or I would have assumed you were much older (you have a very sophisticated way of writing/communicating).

Everything you write sounds familiar - I think I do understand "the game" mindset. Tell me if this sounds right. Very often we dp-types start out by some form of self-implosion. It's even likely that we intentionally do the kind of thinking that caused it - not that we wanted to eventually feel insane!

We 'enter' a sphere of inner self-awareness and become so hypotized by it, that "IT" (your "game" or my definition of self-absorption) becomes more important than real life. We've followed self down the rabbit hole, and we, like Alice, foreclose against reality. It's like we open a chamber to something so awesome, to total awareness of subjective thought, that we feel 1) more powerful than we ever dreamed; and 2) eventually petrified by the self-implosion that is overtaking us.

Your 'game' or its goal of "leveling up" reminds me of those efforts to reach some HIGHER understanding that are common in lsd trips. The person is convinced he is "onto" something profound. He's not. He's being deluded by the mirages of his own imagination, but he's so inner-obsessed that he conjures up Importance that is only the tapping of his deep narcissistic fantasies.

Does that speak to you at all?

Also, deja vu and jamais vu are VERY common to these altered states of consciousness - probably related to the trance induction that dp is, as well as the Ego trying to add to the profound quality - " Ah, I have ALWAYS known" is a great way to hide from the real fear which is "I do not really know."

Peace,
Janine

 

[Guest]

introverted and overly analytical folks can spend the rest of their lives trying to sort out a hallucinogenic experience. no sense can be made of them.. They are aberrations, chemical distortions. These experiences can become "**********", which entangle and exhaust you. try to let go.
just a thought

 

[jft]

John. Your background sounds familiar. I too was raised Catholic and was always feeling guilty anxious and in dread(can't the blame the church totally, for I had a predisposition to anxiety and guilt) Could not take it anymore and when I was 16 bailed out and started doing drugs. First couple years were fun, the next couple were excursions into self awareness and paranoia. My last acid trip I did was an effort to try to break my obsessiveness and self awareness and it was a huge mistake. Shortly after came the dp. I continued to smoke weed and it was always a bad experience for I would play games as well, and always saw people as so unreal and in unreal situations. And I became more self aware. I wish I had never continued to smoke. I was so extremely dp'd while stoned during these times that I thought I was delusional.

Jag..I agree with your thought on hallucinogen thoughts. My example of that is when a fellow ( I read it was Huxley but have never been able to confirm it) thought he had discovered ultimate truth while on an acid trip, he asked his trip companion to write down what he was saying. The next day he read his words "it smells like paint thinner in here"
jftmn