DP OR AIDS OR CRABS

i cant figured out if im dying if or i have dp,

basically im a shallow minded dick that thought mental illness was when someone felt bad for themself and wanted to kill themselves, ironically I'm now in that position myself but I seriously cant figure out if I'm mentally ill or I'm physically ill.

basically my body is not working my left side don't seem to want to do what I tell it, I see two of everything in both eyes, I have unequal pupils, my memory is bugged out, I get burning sensations down my leg, got sparkles in my vision(no disrespect to sparkles), bad headaches, ringing in my ear, I look at my hands and they belong to my next door neighbour, I'm dizzy 24/7, I piss more than a race horse and I have the coordination of a jellyfish and the thinking capacity of that yellow duck from pokemon, my body aches head to toe but the sleeping medication is great.

if anyone can figure out if I have dp or if I am dying I would really like to know(it would make my evening) the doctors cant seem to figure it out, I seem pretty rational but I do look a tad crazy so its a kinda paradox for them.

If anyone else pisses like a race horse or has symptoms like mine would they let me know I'm a tad worried that I have aids or crabs or some other nasty disease thanks kyle