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DP journey 8 years strong lol. How about y’all?

776 Views 2 Replies 2 Participants Last post by  Sportsdude8
So I haven’t posted in a long time I got this I believe in 2014 after dealing with a lot of stress in my life along with substance abuse, new career, unhealthy habits, sleep deprivation, bullying, and depression. I think my mind or soul just gave up on me and I just felt like I died or something without actually dying. Over the years my symptoms have lessened but I still have issues symptom wise. In the beginning it was really hard to read, keep track of time, put sentences together, I also had tremendous pain in my head, sinus area, I noticed that my face was fixed in position sad and angry scowl all time and I would apologize to people for looking like this but my face could not change like all my face muscles were tense and couldn’t control that. I litterally told people im sorry lol. Over the years I’ve just managed to work on myself and got myself into nursing school. I recently quit nursing school with one year left. A big reason I left was that it’s obviously not an easy profession and there’s a lot of material to learn and to be a nurse u have to multitask a lot and critically think all the time! When I was finally in clinical rotations, I struggled so much with multi tasking and time management skills. Also the worst part was doing certain things in order. When I would practice IV’s I would always forget certain steps and that’s just not acceptable when dealing with a persons life. I felt that maybe this was a sign from god or the universe telling me that this is not my calling and that maybe everything happens for a reason to make me realize that I chose the wrong career. the constant pressure society puts on us to be a doctor, lawyer, etc is not always for anyone! I also gained so much weight in school because I was so stressed out because I felt I had to work twice as hard as everyone else and so I just ate to comfort myself and to give me energy to study. I also didn’t sleep because I was always studying and making sure I have gave my all during hospital rotations the next day which is 12hrs. I said want to be happy and I don’t want to make myself suffer anymore and I quit! Looking back I know I made the right decision. I’ve been able to travel, which has been nice! I have a good career with good income, not as much as a registered nurse, but I am comfortable. I have worked on my physical fitness and lost 15lbs. Ive tried to be more socialable with friends and family that I was avoiding because what I have been dealing with (DP). I still sometimes get super self conscious when I’m social settings because now my face has a blank stare look to it. I see people look at me and they copy that look. So I know they see my facial expression that I can’t control. I sometimes wonder if they think I am weird asf or they think I am just an asshole giving them a dirty look. That part gets depressing for me, but what can I do? I am also having trouble with words when have conservations with people like the easiest words sometimes people have to fill in the blanks for me. I remember when I was looking for the word “distracted” during a conversation and I litterally was like wtf I am I forgetting words now? This is happening more often now. Yesterday I was talking to my cousin about basketball and I was trying to come up with the word “humiliated” but I could not find the word and I came up with “ getting clowned” lol
I was trying to say I don’t want to get humiliated playing basketball with all these younger people and I took about 5 seconds to come up with a word to complete the sentence and came up with “ getting clowned” . I get embarrassed sometimes because my vocabulary has been pretty bad during conversation lol and people help me fill it in. This has become my biggest new issue. It is what it is I guess.
I still believe I will be fully recovered because I have made great improvements throughout the years with my dp. I just know that recovery for me is not linear it goes up and down. That’s what’s crazy. It’s like u take 1 step forward and 2 steps back.. but at least I have been make progress where I am able to manage my life. Anyhow if anyone reading let me know about your progress and how long I’ve had this. Much love 🙏🏼
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Heya Sports Dude,

I found relation in a lot of your post. Firstly, I also got into a career that turned out to be ultimately not for me. And that was Massage Therapy. I eventually came to the conclusion that, in fact, I was the one needing the massage, (for grounding in the body healing), and not be the one to give that service. Also my back went out which is common in that field. All in all I worked at a Clinical Spa for 2.5 years. I quit working there just when the pandemic was beginning. I didn't work again until December 2021, where I still work now at a Local Health Food Market. It's been great tbh, I may not have full time and of course with the wages these days... one can't really be entirely independent financially. But yeah, I feel the Universe or God has put me on this path, too.

I also have loss of train of thought more often than I'd like. I just kinda... make up some shit off the cuff, and shrug it off. Also, nobody is going to judge you worthy of some kind of penalty, fine or punishment for forgetting words. In fact, I'd go as far to say that it's becoming more common for everyone, with all the screen time, social media and what not. Your cousin isn't going to remember you saying the phrase "getting clowned" in a year from now... (which I actually find is an appropriate phrase to replace 'humiliated").

Anyway, those of us with dissociation are experiencing symptoms that not many can really relate too. And it's very frustrating to say the least, when you want to be your best self, but others only get to witness outwardly our struggles to fit in to society. Maybe some day they'll know, and they'll go "Wow bro, I can't believe you managed to carry on like that."

Hoping for some sense of peace for you and everyone going through this hell.

I'm on 19+ years now, and making huge progress recently.
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