DP is the worst condition ever affecting the mind - and I clearly consider it to be a mental illness because of its tragic consequences

I am stuck in like an insane reality atm, the only way out seems to be suicide. But suicide was NEVER EVER on my mind before, not even when I experienced severe anxiety and panic attacks earlier this year.

So basically I recovered from Depersonalization this year...but as the symptoms slowly vanished, I still battled irrational thoughts from day to day when suddenly my mind switched to: ur life is over.

I was overwhelmed, suddenly paranoid of time, feeling like I shouldnt be here anymore. This feeling...it feels like I shouldnt be alive anymore, like I shouldnt have lived past August and should be dead until August. It just feels like it is wrong to be alive, when I go to the hairdresser for example, my mind goes like this: You are dead inside, you died, you dont need to do this, you are trapped in hell, you shouldve killed yourself as I told you!

When I look in the mirror: "Why are u still alive?"

AM I INSANE? WHY DOES MY FATE FUCK ME LIKE THIS!!!????? I HAVENT DONE ANYTHING WRONG TO DESERVE THIS.

When u have Derealization, u are alienated from your surroundings, my mind is still conditioned from it. First thoughts like: Is this really your hometown as you knew it?

Or much worse: How do I know I am not dead? Or I didnt die when DP hit me?

There is no answer to this, and it freaks me out, maybe I am destined to suicide or so?

Then the time thing, I am anxious of the date and like my mind cant cope with the time passing so fast, I really cant explain it.

In August, there was a switch in my mind, on the first of August, I was laying in bed and suddenly the thought "suicide could be my destiny" popped up and made me unable to sleep. But it was much more painful than anxiety as I knew it back then with DP...AND THIS IS WHAT SCARES ME. I THINK THOSE THOUGHTS ARENT ANXIETY RELATED BUT DEPRESSION.

I feel like I will never recover from this, it feels like I am trapped and thinking that theres soon a "2018" on the calendar triggers like a hopelessness, painful, suicidal feeling!

I FEEL SO ALONE. I am 19, I dont really want to end this in suicide, but srsly my mind sees no way out.

Everything what helped DP to vanish, exercising, meditation, does not help anymore at all, but makes it worse. It feels like my destiny, everything is playing against me atm.

Peace out.