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I am stuck in like an insane reality atm, the only way out seems to be suicide. But suicide was NEVER EVER on my mind before, not even when I experienced severe anxiety and panic attacks earlier this year.

So basically I recovered from Depersonalization this year...but as the symptoms slowly vanished, I still battled irrational thoughts from day to day when suddenly my mind switched to: ur life is over.

I was overwhelmed, suddenly paranoid of time, feeling like I shouldnt be here anymore. This feeling...it feels like I shouldnt be alive anymore, like I shouldnt have lived past August and should be dead until August. It just feels like it is wrong to be alive, when I go to the hairdresser for example, my mind goes like this: You are dead inside, you died, you dont need to do this, you are trapped in hell, you shouldve killed yourself as I told you!

When I look in the mirror: "Why are u still alive?"

AM I INSANE? :( WHY DOES MY FATE FUCK ME LIKE THIS!!!????? I HAVENT DONE ANYTHING WRONG TO DESERVE THIS.

When u have Derealization, u are alienated from your surroundings, my mind is still conditioned from it. First thoughts like: Is this really your hometown as you knew it?

Or much worse: How do I know I am not dead? Or I didnt die when DP hit me?

There is no answer to this, and it freaks me out, maybe I am destined to suicide or so?

Then the time thing, I am anxious of the date and like my mind cant cope with the time passing so fast, I really cant explain it.

In August, there was a switch in my mind, on the first of August, I was laying in bed and suddenly the thought "suicide could be my destiny" popped up and made me unable to sleep. But it was much more painful than anxiety as I knew it back then with DP...AND THIS IS WHAT SCARES ME. I THINK THOSE THOUGHTS ARENT ANXIETY RELATED BUT DEPRESSION.

I feel like I will never recover from this, it feels like I am trapped and thinking that theres soon a "2018" on the calendar triggers like a hopelessness, painful, suicidal feeling! :(

I FEEL SO ALONE. I am 19, I dont really want to end this in suicide, but srsly my mind sees no way out.

Everything what helped DP to vanish, exercising, meditation, does not help anymore at all, but makes it worse. It feels like my destiny, everything is playing against me atm.

Peace out.
 

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Do you have OCD? If you're not sure if you have died or not, that doesn't sound like a delusion, sounds more like an obsession/intrusive thoughts. Get yourself checked for OCD
 

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Do you have OCD? If you're not sure if you have died or not, that doesn't sound like a delusion, sounds more like an obsession/intrusive thoughts. Get yourself checked for OCD
Yes I got diagnsoed with OCD. But I dont know, isnt this too unreal to be OCD? Thinking about being dead, or so?!
 

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Yes I got diagnsoed with OCD. But I dont know, isnt this too unreal to be OCD? Thinking about being dead, or so?!
Haha, I have OCD and believe me you can be obsessed with anything and everything no matter how stupid it is. Anxiety disorders are irrational.

If you can't stop thinking that you died but deep down you know you're alive then that's your OCD messing with you.

Learn ERP, it helps
 

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When I look in the mirror: "Why are u still alive?"

^^ That really does sound like what's called an intrusive thought, and those are very much associated with OCD's. and OCD's are heavily associated with DPDR.
 

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Yes it sounds like ocd. I would look into CBT practices. It’ll help you replace the intrusive thought with a more positive one until eventually the intrusive one will get tired and fizzle out. Worth a shot in my opinion
 

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We are not our thoughts.

We are not our disease.

There was a popular book called Brain Lock, I think that's the book that contained a phrase you can use when incurring such thoughts: "That's not me, it's my OCD."

A lot of people experience totally irrational thoughts.

Elizabeth Gilbert, extremely successful bestseller of Eat, Pray, Love, confessed that when she was writing the book, a thought of "You suck" kept coming into her head, like her brain telling her to stop writing. She kept writing and the book is one of the best sellers of this century.

So, usually the disease will choose those with the greatest ability. The fact that your mind is telling you how much you should die is testament to how much you should LIVE, how much you actually have to offer the world and you are totally unaware of it.

Christian lore says that the Devil targets those who are capable of bringing the greatest good to the world. So if you are Christian, or even if you are not, you can interpret this as: You actually have a very, very strong reason to live and a very high purpose. And it (obsession, disease, the devil as some would like to believe) knows this and doesn't want you to recover and succeed.

OCD is kind of like a virus that depends on its host. If you combat the thoughs, the OCD will have nothing to feed off of...and die. Your disease is fighting to live and drag you down with it!

I would recommend reading Brain Lock.
 

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Ive been happy, totally motivated with life until this fucking day, when I laid in bed obsessing over death, destiny and feeling like this life isn't for me anymore. But I got anxious, didnt want to end it. The pain hasnt decreased yet.

DP poisoned my mind, my brain, my body, my life, I see no way out of this mess. Even without this glass in front of my eyes, my mind is still and even worse hurt.

Funny that last January I planned for my future :) Sometimes fate slaps u right in the face.
 
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