There was this annoying song by this male singer with an extremely high pitched voice that they would play like 6 times a day at my old job.. "It takes every kind of people... to make what life's about..." I find myself referring back to this semi-consciously (and only half seriously) when I'm thinking that I could really benefit from being in a world where everyone has my deficiencies. Sometimes I wish I was locked up in a place -a "dp/dr world" -persay, where the rules were different and I could tell someone I didn't feel like small talk or trying to focus on school or getting a regular job.. and people would just understand.. Where it is acceptable to blow off the actual world and overanalyze all the things that, by conventional standads, don't matter. It's just so frustrating that people can't just take however much time they need to straighten out their minds.... Maybe I'm just feeding the disease, but I don't make conscious reference to these things in my mind. I sort of ignore it, until I write about it here... and it comes really quickly... so I know I've been thinking about it....... but I can't detect it..... I can't stop my subconscious mind from its ordinary functioning.
Most of the time I don't think that I am thinking at all, but when I do have this dull pain that has a little more direction than before and I'm thinking of bigger issues outside myself and internalizing it all because I feel like I have to... war, world hunger, abuse, greed. I've just been hating the world in general. Usually (in person) I'm pretty outwardly optimistic or at least I incorporate some humor into my cynicism, but I'm having trouble dealing with everything right now.
Sometimes banging my head against a wall for hours seems like it actually might help, but I don't want to risk more brain damage.
So if anyone is up for pitching in some money and buying a huge mansion where we can all rot in our separate togetherness, let me know.