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There was this annoying song by this male singer with an extremely high pitched voice that they would play like 6 times a day at my old job.. "It takes every kind of people... to make what life's about..." I find myself referring back to this semi-consciously (and only half seriously) when I'm thinking that I could really benefit from being in a world where everyone has my deficiencies. Sometimes I wish I was locked up in a place -a "dp/dr world" -persay, where the rules were different and I could tell someone I didn't feel like small talk or trying to focus on school or getting a regular job.. and people would just understand.. Where it is acceptable to blow off the actual world and overanalyze all the things that, by conventional standads, don't matter. It's just so frustrating that people can't just take however much time they need to straighten out their minds.... Maybe I'm just feeding the disease, but I don't make conscious reference to these things in my mind. I sort of ignore it, until I write about it here... and it comes really quickly... so I know I've been thinking about it....... but I can't detect it..... I can't stop my subconscious mind from its ordinary functioning.

Most of the time I don't think that I am thinking at all, but when I do have this dull pain that has a little more direction than before and I'm thinking of bigger issues outside myself and internalizing it all because I feel like I have to... war, world hunger, abuse, greed. I've just been hating the world in general. Usually (in person) I'm pretty outwardly optimistic or at least I incorporate some humor into my cynicism, but I'm having trouble dealing with everything right now.

Sometimes banging my head against a wall for hours seems like it actually might help, but I don't want to risk more brain damage.

So if anyone is up for pitching in some money and buying a huge mansion where we can all rot in our separate togetherness, let me know.
 

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I know exactly how you're feeling. Sometimes I really wish I was surrounded by people that understood and who I could talk to or ignore. But then it's having to deal with normal people that keeps me at least partly in the real world. A couple of weeks ago I couldn't sit down to finish a meal or go to a class, I'd just get too scared. This week someone just sent me an email saying how organised and enthusiastic I seem about something we're doing together. And I have been, because it just completely took me out of myself. The dp hasn't gone, but I have enjoyed this week because I'm not focusing on it. (rather a tired old moral, but true)

In regard to the internalising of big issues - the best days I've had in the midst of dp despair have been working Friday mornings at an Oxfam bookshop. Surrounded by lots of nice old ladies, doing something to make the world a bit better, free biscuits, friendly customers that you get to know. It really really helps, maybe there's something similar you could try?

So could I have a room in the mansion, but perhaps only stay there a few days of every month?

Don't bang your head against the wall. Definitely brain damage would be bad.
 
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