I was thinking about how I could express my on going battle between the normal and dp/dr state and the analogy of a see saw came to mind.
On one seat we have our nemesis, dp/dr/anxiety-panic and the other side our elusive but comfortable sense of self. When the dp end of the see saw is bottomed out and the normal end is up in the air at it's highest point, this represents the feelings we have when we are our true self, grounded in reality, experiencing life as we should and have difficulty trying to imagine the dp/dr state. The polar opposite is when the dp/dr is at it's highest position but now we have feelings of abject terror/horror, no sense of self, no sense of reality, complete lack of control - existing at the lowest level of human functioning, simply put...hell.
Most of the time I feel that the see saw is level but constantly shifting ever so slightly up and down. With the level see saw it feels like your perception of self is split in two; you just can't determine if you?re mind is straight or dp'd and there's a lot of confusion. You carry on and the normal state starts to set in but as soon as you notice yourself self "being" the weight shifts and the dp/dr/fear floods your awareness. You try to ignore it, find something distracting to do, take your focus away from it and the weight slowly shifts to where the plank is level again but by no means steady. A couple of times a day you relax slightly and begin with the introspective thoughts but suddenly the weight shifts hard and the dp side of the plank rushes skyward and your quickly consumed with panic with no chance of stopping the rush of terror. Now you have to ride it through and your sure you'll never be sane again, everything normal seems millions of light years away but slowly the plank levels out and there is respite, but it's all relative as your back to where you started from, still feeling the pain but at least able to function.
At odd times the see saw momentarily lifts the normal self almost to the top of its arc and the experience of self and clarity takes you be surprise. You feel gasp of air pass your lips as shoulders drop and your body relaxes...how strange and wonderful it feels just to be normal, just like everyone else. But for some reason there is a sense of fear as if your not allowed to feel this way. Then the urge to cry comes, but you don't know why. Is it because you feel a sense of loss due to the time spent in the throes of dp or are they simply tears of joy. It doesn?t matter as you notice the see saw slowly descending and once again it's level.
I just want to know how I can place an un-shiftable 10 ton weight on the dp side of the see saw so that my awareness is constantly normal. I wish someone could give me an iron clad guarantee that I will never have to feel these sensations again. I'm just sick of this ride and I want off.
On one seat we have our nemesis, dp/dr/anxiety-panic and the other side our elusive but comfortable sense of self. When the dp end of the see saw is bottomed out and the normal end is up in the air at it's highest point, this represents the feelings we have when we are our true self, grounded in reality, experiencing life as we should and have difficulty trying to imagine the dp/dr state. The polar opposite is when the dp/dr is at it's highest position but now we have feelings of abject terror/horror, no sense of self, no sense of reality, complete lack of control - existing at the lowest level of human functioning, simply put...hell.
Most of the time I feel that the see saw is level but constantly shifting ever so slightly up and down. With the level see saw it feels like your perception of self is split in two; you just can't determine if you?re mind is straight or dp'd and there's a lot of confusion. You carry on and the normal state starts to set in but as soon as you notice yourself self "being" the weight shifts and the dp/dr/fear floods your awareness. You try to ignore it, find something distracting to do, take your focus away from it and the weight slowly shifts to where the plank is level again but by no means steady. A couple of times a day you relax slightly and begin with the introspective thoughts but suddenly the weight shifts hard and the dp side of the plank rushes skyward and your quickly consumed with panic with no chance of stopping the rush of terror. Now you have to ride it through and your sure you'll never be sane again, everything normal seems millions of light years away but slowly the plank levels out and there is respite, but it's all relative as your back to where you started from, still feeling the pain but at least able to function.
At odd times the see saw momentarily lifts the normal self almost to the top of its arc and the experience of self and clarity takes you be surprise. You feel gasp of air pass your lips as shoulders drop and your body relaxes...how strange and wonderful it feels just to be normal, just like everyone else. But for some reason there is a sense of fear as if your not allowed to feel this way. Then the urge to cry comes, but you don't know why. Is it because you feel a sense of loss due to the time spent in the throes of dp or are they simply tears of joy. It doesn?t matter as you notice the see saw slowly descending and once again it's level.
I just want to know how I can place an un-shiftable 10 ton weight on the dp side of the see saw so that my awareness is constantly normal. I wish someone could give me an iron clad guarantee that I will never have to feel these sensations again. I'm just sick of this ride and I want off.