[rich]

to be honest I cant really be sure what I have, but DP at least gives me a name to clutch to so why not....

what I feel is really difficult to describe as im sure most of you will admit, i dont get any feelings which suggest that my body doesnt belong to me or anything like that, i just feel generally quite wierd:

- when I get particularly anxious, which is mainly in a working environment, or when i meet new people, I start to feel really spaced out and I find it very difficult to follow what people are saying to me. The world around me seems to be fake in some sort of way, not visually (ie - in terms of 2D figures that some people have suggested), but I just feel an element being dettached from what is going on around me. I forget new people's names and dont digest information etc. I dont seem to be able to think properly and plan ahead for things, for example I would really struggle to plan a football coaching session for kids, whereas in the past I could easily do it off the cuff.

- my cognitive ability seems to reduce and I cant understand complex things or even read properly at times. I am a very bright student but I have lost my ability to write fluently and to express myself well.

-I am depressed alot of the time and get anxious when I think about doing something which will need my complete attention and ability - ie -working.

- the only times when I feel an element of normailty is when I have a few drinks, and then I begin to relax.

- my memory is very bad - although I can remember past events they seem dettached and without emotion, and my short term memory is awful. I have difficulty remembering what I did yesterday - its as if I have only lived in the current moment and anything prior to that is hazy, my identity has somehow gone missing and I feel incomplete.

- as is sit here and look through my CV which I wrote only six months ago, it just feels foriegn to me, like how was I ever capable of all those things and how was I able to express what I did so eloquently.

-I just feel empty and emotionless, a current limbo state. nothing I do actually MEANS anyhting - I have recently been bought an IPOD but dont use it becasue it doesnt really symbolise anything to me - its hard to explain but material things dont seem to mean what they used to for me......

Ive only been in this state for about 3 months and its not as bad as I imagine others condition is - part of me is expecting it to go away in a few months but then when I get another episode I begin to doubt my future. This came on after I took ecstasy and began worrying about the damage I had done to myself - I mistook the feelings of anxiety for brain damage and this got me in a viscous thought cycle. I have however, spoken to other ecstasy users who have said that this feeling gradually went away within six months, but who knows......

let me know what you think,

Rich x

 

[stickdude]

i have dp/dr the same exact way, with everything you're describing. i took it back in june, everything went fine, then at the end, i went to take a piss and after i was done, i got a big headrush and couldn't hear anything for 10 seconds. it freaked me outt. my friends were talking and i was going "what?? oh my god i can't hear you". i either thought i was going to die right then or lose my hearing forever. well, it came back seconds later, and i was freaking out the rest of the night and days thinking i had brain damage. i thought i was going to get seizures also and sometime during the day, my hearing would go deaf like it did when i was rolling. i thought because of what happend i'd start getting flashbacks during the day of what happend and it wouldn't ever go away. well, the seizures, deaf thing, and flashbacks never have happend. i looked up erowid and all kinds of sites to see if people had gotten brain damage from ecstacy. my friend called me a hypochondriac and told me to calm down and i over-react to things too much. before this, i was a bit of a hypochondriac. i had dp and anxiety before this, but not as bad. i thought i was schizo in the past, but after this event, everything multiplied. all i really do is now is analyze my actions and how i'm feeling.

mostly what gets me is having a lost identity and feeling emotionless.

i've also never heard from anyone rolling and having brain damage, even after trying it numerous times. we just think too much and analyze ourselves a lot. it'll take time to go away the less we analyze ourselves.

 

[Monkeydust]

You certainly haven't done brain damge. Ecstasy, in the amount of it I'm presuming you've done, doesn't work like that. For people who have had lots of the stuff - and I'm talking about the guys who did it every week during the 90s here - it tends to only do one of two things brain-wise:

A)Contribute to some degree of memory loss, which does not significantly affect functioning and which anyway tends to recover.

B)Permanently alters the serotonin system in the brain, meaning that people occasionally need to take SSRIs to feel "normal" and to get rid of their symptoms (usually depression).

Now these things only really happen to people who have had lots of the stuff, and then only rarely. So I think it's safe to say that you have not permanantly damaged your brain.

As for your symptoms, to me - and bear in mind that I am not an authority on these matters - it sounds very much like anxiety and depression. Both of these things can contribute to the lack of concentration you're experiencing and the lack of interest in things in life - such as the Ipod you described.

The DP you're describing may simply be a symptom of these; or it may not.

In any case, I'm almost certain that whatever influence any drugs had in precipitating this mental state is completely reversible, and I'll bet money on the fact that you'll be better in a few months.

Remember, though, to take steps to help yourself get out of this as well. Don't simply say "I'll wait for this to get better, then I'll do this or that." Do whatever you'd do otherwise now. And don't worry about it too much. You're gonna be fine. Hell, if I managed to be fine, anyone can.

All the best,
Monkeydust.

 

[nemesis]

Great post Rich. In fact it's one of the most concise definitions of DP symptomology I've seen to date.

Perhaps our minds have elevated the need to solve DP to a level of utmost of importance, leaving petty issues such as iPod configuration and social interaction by the way-side. Our interest and focus in these activities may very well return once our attention is directed away DP and the cyclical thought patterns that result.

 

[rich]

thanks for the replies people, the thing im worried about is that many oif you on here have felt depersonalized for long periods of time and im a bit worried that if it doesnt go away soon it might be here to stay......

im seeing a psychologist which is helping, also taking citalopram which I think is gradually making me less depressed. But as soon as I get in a work situation I begin to fewel dazed and dettached. Although I realsie now that I havnt damaged myself its hard to know how to get these feelings to go away?

nemesis, have u completely recovered now or do u still get bouts of dp?

say no to drugs!

 

[Monkeydust]

Rich, the reason that a lot of people on this board have had DP/DR for a long time is that, if they had been cured quickly, they either wouldn't have come here in the first place or wouldn't have stayed long.

The reality is that most people do not have this for as long a time as the majority of "old timers" have.

It's more than likely that you'll be better before too long. The fact that you know what's wrong means that it's unlikely for you to be in fear for longer than you need be - bear in mind that many here suffered without being able to understand what the hell was up with them for many years. The net is good like that.