[Parrie]

HI,

I got DP/DR as part of withdrawal from Lexapro and other psychotropic meds at the end of 2011. It happened suddenly one weekend. I had been off Lexapro for just over a year, but was still struggling with some symptoms after having been on various anti-depressants for over 13 years. I came off it too fast.

I had subsequently been diagnosed with ADHD and was taking meds for that, on and off, because they were actually causing more unpleasant symptoms than they were helping. Well, that's what I thought, but at the time I didn't know I was still experiencing effects from coming off Lexapro too fast.

Anyway, one weekend I had been taking my ADHD meds, and St Johns Wort and was still in a bad way from Lex withdrawal and I kind of crashed. My nervous system crashed actually, it was like I had a two day panic attack, and I've never been the same since.

I didn't know what was wrong and thought it was either anxiety or that I'd had a kundalini awakening. But this was like no anxiety I'd ever had before, it was extreme, mostly physical symptoms.

Its been over 2 years now, and whatever it is, is starting to get better. I've had to give up alcohol, sugar, caffeine, artificial sweetners, heavy exercise, TV, movies..... anything which is even slightly stimulating.

Mornings are still pretty bad. But I used to spend several hours every morning pretty much laying on my bed, shaking, trembling, going hot/cold, with these horrific inner vibrations driving me insane. I would wake up every morning with awful images and thoughts racing through my mind and all I could do to stay sane was just breathe. It was like my dreams (nightmares) would follow me into my awakened state, every morning was like waking up in hell, wishing it was a dream, but it never was.

The DR was so bad, I couldn't go out during the day, everything was overwhelming. My senses were hyper-stimulated most of the time. By evening, it was slightly better. The DP was bad too, it was like I didn't exist, I'm still like that, I have lost my 'self'. But I don't think that's entirely a bad thing because spiriually speaking, that's supposed to be a positive achievement. It's not gone completely, and it may actually be coming back, which I've got mixed feelings about.

I know this site is about DP, mainly, but I find the DR much harder to handle, not being able to feel connected with anything is like the ultimate of feeling alone and isolated.

I've experienced DP/DR a few times before in my life. The first time was when I was 5 years old, it just happened spontaneously while I was playing with my friends. It sort of went away, but it did change me in a way because I never forgot. I didn't know what it was and when I got older, I just thought I'd had a sudden change of perception.

I got it again for 2 days when I was in my 20's, the one and only time I smoked weed. I also got it a few times when I had jetlag. I think I must be sensitive or suceptable to it.

But this is lasting a long time and because of it, I'm developing depression because it feels like my life is over, even though I can feel I'm getting better, its like there is something I've lost.... my illusions about life or something.

I'm going to stop writing now.

Parrie.

 

[Parrie]

Thank you for the welcome and for the link, although I don't think I have Mitral Valve Prolapse Syndrome, but probably dysautonomia.

 

[Victor Ouriques]

Well this site it's about both dp/dr.

And I understand you,I don't give a shit about DP at all,but DR just destroys me.I Never feel both of them the same time,but when I feel DP it's much easier to handle since the world feels real again.

But let's move.We can get better.

 

[MiketheAlien]

You definitely found the right website! So many similar stories, so many unique ones, all coming together to help one another.

 

[Chronoglider]

And I understand you,I don't give a shit about DP at all,but DR just destroys me.I Never feel both of them the same time,but when I feel DP it's much easier to handle since the world feels real again.

Same here. I thought it was over a couple of days ago but it's still happening on and off. DP isn't that bad. DR is rather nauseating.

 

[Parrie]

Its been almost 2 years since I posted this introduction here, so I thought I would write a little update.

Its taken a long time, but my DP/DR has diminished in intensity and I would say its only about 10% to 20% of what it was at first. All the other symptoms I listed in my original post have also reduced and in general, I'm feeling better physically. But I still have no life, or rather, its nothing like what it was before I got sick.

The stress and overwhelming fear that has been the main feature of my life for the last few years has left me severely traumatized with some patterns of avoidance I have to overcome. I also no longer know who I am or what my life is about. Going through this has completely stripped me of my old beliefs, values and understanding of myself and the world. In a small way, its almost a feeling of freedom and could possibly be seen as a positive change, but its also frightening living in the world without any definite concepts of anything, everything is now open to interpretation.

I've done nothing to specificallly help myself recover, and I don't consider myself fully recovered, just quite a bit better than what I was. For me, its been a matter of time and just doing the best I can to survive, keep going one day at a time and having faith that eventually things will get better.

I still avoid overwhelming and stimulating environments and substances, just because its more comfortable that way. I've learned how to 'be happy' with a very simple life. Although in reality, I can't say there's been much happiness, more that I've learned acceptance. Being able to accept reality, even when that reality is difficult, can bring peace.

Along with DP/DR, I've been recovering from a lot of other symptoms, but I wanted to document here that this particular symptom, triggered by antidepressant withdrawal, has improved a lot, its taken quite some time though.

 

[NoMeaning25]

My dr/dp was also triggered by withdrawal from paxil. Im at 3 years and its still bad

 

[Parrie]

I'm being prompted to start a new thread, rather than update this old one, but I think it would be more beneficial to write an update to my situation on this thread, so anyone can read about the progress in one place.
It's been 7 years since I last posted here and all I can say is that even though I'm not 'recovered' or 'cured', I'm living life in a way which is so much better and easier and functional than I ever imagined possible.

I've come to the conclusion that my old perception of reality, was an illusion. DR was the process of the old false reality dropping away, and the anxiety it caused while I was transitioning to the evolved version of reality.

Same with DP, my perception of myself was not true, I had to let go of my illusions about who I was, so that the new, authentic me could emerge from the ashes. DP was the anxiety caused by the perception of myself as dying, my self image dying, not my body dying, although I did go through a stage where I thought I was actually dying.

For me, DP and DR were medicalized terms for what I was experiencing as I was transitioning to a more evolved state of being in the world.

I no longer relate to myself in the way I used to, I am free from the limiting boundaries which were caused by living with a false self image. The 'self'' I used to operate through no longer exists, I can now choose my responses to the world based on what seems right or appropriate at the time, rather than from an old pattern. The transition wasn't easy though, it took years of learning how to keep going, in spite of the anxiety.

I also never went back to relating to the external world in the way I did before. My perception of everything had been wrong. I never knew anyone, or anything, not in the way it appeared. When everyone suddenly seemed like strangers, I was seeing them for the first time in reality, my old false illusions of everyone I thought I knew had gone and I had the opportunity to discover who people really were. Same with everything in the outside world, it all looked strange and unfamiliar because it was. I had been seeing through layers and layers of illusions, which had to drop away, of course it was frightening, I was suddenly in a very alien world, not knowing what anything meant or how to interact with things.

When something changes, we have the choice about how we respond to it. It could be perceived as something bad, or broken, or something which has gone wrong, something which needs fixing or to be fought with. Or it could be an opportunity, an invitation to grow and evolve into something more expansive.

I chose to use the challenges I found myself in as a catalyst to transform into a more evolved state of being.

 

[Dragoon909]

Yeah, you could describe it that way, philosophically.