Everything you have said, from what i can tell, sounds like anxiety and DP to be honest, you seem under a lot of stress, which is enough on its own to end up feeling like this.
What I can tell you is all the cases I read of multiple personality (i read a lot into all this type of stuff, started out years ago, was always an interest) you wouldn't feel this way, people who actually have these cases truly don't know when they switch. An obvious sign would be complete split personality with friends saying you introduce yourself as two different people, you don't, it's pretty clear. It sounds way more like the anxiety, which we all feel here, where you just don't feel yourself and when feeling DP'd you feel different, call it a self defence mechanism or whatever people want to call it here.
Basic questions: You under a lot of stress (you sound like it). Was it Drug triggered? Do you feel numb? are you anxious constantly?
PM if you want to answer these between us, i am open all ears.
My main advice is go to a physiatrist who understands dissociative disorders, no point going to one who doesn't, been there, got the t shirt.
The other thing is cambridge DP scale. I really enjoyed doing it, it let me see where i was on the scale and it diagnosed me better than any physiatrist ever could, as only you know how you feel, once i was armed with that, every physiatrist i met agreed very easily.
Anyway whatever which way, check out 'holy grain of dp' for a good way to lead life, might not always be the cure but it's very good step. Anxiety CAN be a loop, so getting out of that IMO is important, after that, cross that bridge if it comes to it... hope i've helped
As of now it got much better but the dissociation is still here, it's been months and only is getting worse, (I actually just left my college because I couldn't take it) I went to the ER and they took me to a psych ward probably because they thought I was suicidal but it was the last resort. I am prescribed medicine citalopram but I've read SSRIs can ruin people's lives, make the DR worse or whatever and I've had anxiety for many years before this since I was a kid and it only gets better some parts of the year and than comes back. I did have a stressful childhood my family is insane but now they are acting supportive, in January 2017 was when I was first pressured to do weed and I knew it was wrong because I had a gut feeling but I did it, felt good and after the 8th time had a massive panic attack and then even smoked again and had an even massive out of body feeling with thoughts so clear I could almost hear them, I almost feel like this every time I get a panic attack, I get really afraid to leave my home because when I get panicked the dissociation is so bad it feels like I'm in another world and I keep reality checking to see if I'm me. My dreams are really weird and I remember this morning realizing I was just dozing off into space. I first felt dissociation when I was like 11, my self esteem is really low. I'm supposed to take medicine but I'm scared it will harm me so everyone's getting mad "your going to be sick forever" I don't know if this is hell and I'm honestly being punished but lately when I try not to focus on these feelings it goes away, but then it comes back. The hospital visit put me into a more trauma because the kids there were really fucked up and the staff was yelling at me
I have a lot of dreams in life, I've been told I'm intelligent and my music is good, I even make videos as an outlet to get my philosophies and ideas out, I enjoyed philosopjy before any of this happened but it did soon lead to existentialist worrying and then reading some fucking stupid conspiracy theories online and then to worrying if I'm schizo or a psychopath because of the racing violent thoughts and my lack of emotion right now, it's weird because as I'm writing I know that I'm fine but I can't stick that in my head
Just a short update: I feel really good as i'm writing this,
I know what has caused all of these problems for me. First past traumas I may be finally have come to understand that were not as bad,
The environment I have been in, and a negative environment (my college was horrible, I wasn't able to eat or sleep for a while) and excessive obsessing over negative things in the world. I always used Theanine and ashwaghanda root as well as using CBD oil now and am a vegan but forgot that I wasnt getting enough B12 and I believe that is a big problem. I can update everyone with where i am, if it gets bad again this could be false hope. But I encourage everyone to research into hollistic medicine, try to distract yourself alot and excercise, do yoga, get your necesary nutrients be it B12, D, whatever. The biggest issue for me was the environment I have been in that led to my depression. Therapy should also help me, CBT
I'll split this into 3 parts for each reply you made.
SSRIs can ruin people's lives = True and False. Most the stories you are basing that off is people who have bad withdrawals after many years of doing well on the drug, as said round here, if it ain't broke don't fix it. So most the time it's not wanting to be on medication for life, got to weigh that up for yourself, but if it gets you to the place where these are no longer problems but you got to take a small pill in the morning, who cares? I get the science behind withdrawals, had a few in my time too, but most the time it's 'if you were doing so well before, why did you need medication?' that and Benzo's, stay away at all costs. I say that but i take them sometimes, i wouldn't use it as a long term solution however. Anyway back the point..
SSRI isn't my favourite, i'd say it gets a bad press from a lot of DP people from what i've experienced and read most often and for me, wasn't hitting the spot, I like Mirtazapine which is Tri AD and a lot of people are on SNRIs which is more a go to here where i live for anxiety. In saying that Escotalipram (Lexapro) is an SSRI and a go to, with many people here on it.. also Zoloft which has a lot of bad rep (this is all from what I see, so take this all with pinch of salt) has a lot of people like me who don't enjoy it, but then i've read recovery stories with it. The key is to wait say 3/4 months and if it isn't helping, it's not helping, same with anything. Time to switch it up.
I can't really tell if it works well, you hate the thought, quit and it gets worse, or if the distraction is enough to lower your anxiety and it doesn't become a problem, you can figure that out, and either keep taking it if it's working or if getting out of the anxiety loop as mentioned in Holy Grail DP is working, do them steps and get your head out of the game of worry, stress and anxiety. I personally lowered my anxiety huge, it's the first step to any of this IMO. I no longer have anxious thoughts even if i feel anxiety.
Music and DP is so common, you've heard a song about DP you just didn't know, examples:
Iris - Goo Goo Dolls
Basket Case - Green Day
Numb - Linkin Park
Creative people tend to think outside the box, so cause anxiety with thoughts bigger than the more common view of 'get up, eat toast, go to school/work, come home play with the dog, eat dinner, go to bed, repeat'. Some people and i know it sounds strange, literally have no other wants or deeper thoughts about life.
Philosophies is the road to anxiety and existential thinking, known to cause great unrest for use of a better word, i could link you to a page, but it's basically all the types of things you are stressing yourself out with, I know you think videos on the subject help you get it out, but what would really help is to actually distract yourself any time this comes into your head, it takes a lot of practice, i have various ways when i use to have thoughts of a similar deal, i mainly got up and walked to the shop, i made sure for a year that i had to buy dinner every night, sounds weird, but it meant, them thoughts hit, i instantly had a walk, some distraction. Another one for me at the time was call of duty (xbox) it took so much concentration i had no time to think about anxiety. Sounds weird as it is a jumpy shooter game i guess, but made me relaxed.
It doesn't pass in a day, it takes practice, i know you feel better today which is good, but for you it sounds like a mixture of obsessive thinking, thinking about things you can't control, health anxiety, stress and all them things... which i think you have realised, so good luck on your journey
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