[DM87]

Hello, I just want to start by saying that I had no idea a forum like this existed and wish I had found it years ago. My situation is a bit different and I hope you can bear with me and I would really like some advise please.

As a child I was epileptic (I grew out of it) and I have always wondered if this has something to do with how I feel. Often I go into little daydreams and I have done this since I was a child, I switch off from everything and as a child I was told by teachers that I switched off and people would tell my parents that I had walked right by them in the street. Regarding the walking by people in the street I believe that still happens. As a child I now believe that the daydreams I experienced were petite mal seizures because sometimes I couldn't get out of my daydreams. People would be screaming at me (teachers for instance) but I never heard them. I hear people now but they are distant like I'm not in the room with them.

I will never forget my mother telling me years ago that when I was born I had huge black eyes and that scared me. I often wonder why and if this was normal when a child is born. I have light blue eyes. I'm not sure if this has any relation to the topic it probably doesn't but it continues to prey on my mind.

I have just started to come to terms with the fact that I may have depersonalisation and derealisation tendencies. I have always felt that there are two me's. The me who follows the rules (for the sake of confusion let's call her me1) and the other me who does things that I don't recognise (me2). I remember them but do not recognise myself. I'm fairly sure that it's not disassociative disorder as I see that this involves having at least two personalities with their own identities and at times being unable to recall one's actions. The two me's I have do not have names and separate identities they are both me and I know they are.

Anyway, I digress. Since I can remember I have at a lot of times in my life felt like I am watching from the outside and when me2 makes rash decisions, decisions that have in the past put my life in danger around strangers. I didn't do it to get a rush or anything like that, at that time I felt nothing, there were no emotions attached to my actions at all. Afterwards I wondered why I had done it and what made me do something so stupid. To this day I don't have the answer and that scares me.

Certain things have changed since the last time I put my life in danger (several years ago) I have a fiancé, I have a good job (though it's not a job I enjoy and it does cause me a huge amount of stress) and stability.

However, I am still experiencing these episodes where I am looking in from the outside. Me2 is still there but doesn't get to be as reckless anymore, she still makes some decisions that I wonder the whys about, but she does not affect my life in the same way anymore. I have a lot of times when I am feeling completely emotionless and almost like a robot. I've tried so hard to force myself to I suppose be normal, but it never lasts.

My fiancé is supportive of me but he does not know the extent of my problems. I have touched on some of my minor issues to him but not this one. A few months after we had been going out he told me that I was the strangest girl that he had ever dated but that he loved me more because of it. During that period I felt I was doing my best to combine both me's around him.

Since him, I have never been able to combine both and now that we are at a different stage to when we met (5 years down the line) we don't talk as much and he hasn't been all that nice to me for a while. I know I need to talk to him and I don't know why I haven't when I have always directly approached any relationship issues we have had. I guess this is the first time I have felt like we are not as solid as we once were. Unfortunately I feel like me2 is ready to burst out this me who will get me fired and not care, who will do things to hurt herself and others and not care. This me that I have managed to keep at bay for so long, she's itching to get out.

I have been lucid dreaming my whole life. As a child I used it as an escape from life (which was in no way abusive) while sleeping and during the day I had daydreams, I loved it.

As an adult I wish that the lucid dreams I have were my reality. They're different every night and when I have told people about them they always ask if I have taken drugs. I don't take drugs. I just have a very active imagination which never completely disappeared when I became an adult. I am currently lucid dreaming again every night. Controlling the dream and knowing that I can do as I wish but it is seriously impacting my life because when I do eventually wake up I feel like I haven't slept at all because my dream has been so active. I have figured out to do pretty much everything while lucid dreaming except go to sleep and as much as I want to while I'm awake, while in the dream it never enters my head to go to sleep.

I know that's a lot of information but it's just a little of my background and I just wanted to know if anyone had any advice for me please?

Thanks for reading.

 

[Broken]

I don't know much about lucid dreaming, all I know is that I rarely dream (or don't remember them).

To me it sounds like split personality or now known as Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID). Do you feel as though me1 and me2 each separately take control of you?

I would try and talk to a mental health professional if I were you. You can't diagnose yourself here, and you may not be articulating what you mean particularly accurately. So speak to someone in depth who can properly diagnose you. States of dissociation (DP/DR) are common in many different disorders so it isn't a lot to go on. Perhaps also look on a DID forum and see how your symptoms compare?