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Im in terror that I'm alive...I open my eyes and I try to understand how I'm able to look out of them. How are these two organs that are literally stuck to meat and bones able to process all of this. It sends signals of fear and frustration down my body. It feels like I live in a virtual world. Like everything I look at is just an image that was created. I don't know why I try to understand how everything was created to such an incredibly deep extent. I try understand how everything and even myself has life… and my brain doesn't want to stop. I look at the way people interact and I wonder how they aren't thinking what I am. I'm scared because after fully realizing everything i have thought and felt i don't think i could ever go back to being the same person. I feel like my world is not real … the only thing that somewhat still feels real are my friends and family. The only way I fully keep my sanity is by being around them at all times. I hate the fact that I have to rely on them….. it feels as if I have to be held by the hand 24/7. I look at myself in the mirror and I don't understand how it is possible that I can see my own reflection and how I'm just like everyone else. I hate it because when I'm around people I feel like a monster. I feel like that because of all the stuff I have realized about myself, I don't feel normal. I hate how much I try to understand how this world was created everyone says atoms, but from where did they come from? Where did this universe come from? How was god created? Where does this all begin? I feel like I died once I realized this, because I feel like everything is pointless. I question everything so much and how it is made that I just sit in my living room looking at everything as if it was so completely foreign not comprehending how this is even possible. I look at the sky and I feel as if I'm looking at a painting and I analyze the trees and I just can't grasp the fact that I can just see all of it…. I really feel like everything is just a figment of my imagination, or as if I walked into a television screen and everything is a prop...or maybe that it might just all disappear and vanish before me. I want to dive back into my life but I can't. Everyone I know tells me ill get passed this but I don't see any truth in that. I feel like everyone believes more in me than I believe in myself. I guess I don't know I don't see the point in getting up in the morning, getting dressed, going to work, coming home sometimes I don't even see the point in getting up ….for all I want to do is just lay in bed and stare at the wall. Not even hanging out or going places anymore, just because this thing called "life" doesn't make sense anymore to me. Interacting with people for the most part seems senseless to me now. I hate it because before all of this everything made sense, felt so real, and most of all everything had a purpose. Now I don't know who I am or where my life is heading. I'm not the strong girl I once thought I was. For even writing these words on my laptop scares me. Ever since this happened I just feel so lonely….. I think that's why I feel like I'm the only one alive because I'm the only weirdo in the world who has thought of all this. I just want to wake up in the morning and forget I have ever thought this and continue with my life. People tell me just forget about and continue on with my life, but I can't seem to get passed all of these concepts. For every time I open my eyes it's a constant reminder of what I'm going through. I see my mothers eyes and I feel like I have failed her in life…. I never want to leave her side…… I love her and she's the reason I stay here and around….my love for her is the only thing in this cruel world that makes sense. At the end of the day for me to get better is mainly to make my parents proud…. that's all I have ever wanted. I still can't process the fact that I can see and I don't know if I ever will. That's what hurts me the most is that I will never be able to answer that question. I'll never figure out how we got here and how everything was made, and how we are able to see this universe. I know that we are all the same but I just can't process the fact that every human being is his or her own person that also scares me. But I remember before this I knew that earth was just a place that was able to sustain life, we were created to build and grow. We were born with the necessities in our bodies to be able to survive. But that idea still isn't good enough for me, but what else I'm I asking for what else do I want if I can't even answer my own questions and I can't expect anyone to. The reason I keep moving is because this is everything I know. I still maintain my self because this is all I ever lived and breathed for 21 years. How will I ever live peacefully in a world or place which I no longer understand.



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Ayrin
Oct 28 2015 04:27 AM

help me


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detunedradio
Nov 05 2015 04:54 PM

I feel exactly the same!


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edgapena
Dec 12 2015 07:36 PM

Hey my name is Edgar and i have been suffering with dp/dr for a month now. To put my story in short words I began having existential thoughts tand began questioning literally everything i came in contact with. My brain would be filled with philosophical question about life, reality, time, space, humanity and even my own existence. I was able to deal with derealization thought that my life was just a dream, but now it has progressed to the point that i feel as if i am stuck in movie. I feel as if am stuck behind my own eyes and i am watching the world through a projector. This began two days ago and i can not seem to shake it off. I have to continuously keep reminding myself that i am part of this world and that it is very real indeed. People automatically wake up and see the world as it is and never question their sight. I actually think about seeing and how my brain is projecting images through my eyes. Its as if i am continuously conscious about my own sight. I'm not sure if i am making myself clear, is really hard to put into words. I feel like i have forgotten about my other senses and i am just focused on my sight. The best way to put is that i feel like walking eyeballs. Sometimes i just close my eyes for seconds to reconnect with my other senses, and because just seeing gives me anxiety. I know sight is a gift that should not be taking for granted but right now i feel as my anxiety is turning my sight into a curse. I have never reached out and asked help from people in forums but this state of mind is ruining my life. I know is hard but you have to stay strong. There is something inside of us all that keep teeling us that there is hope and things will get better. Listen to that voice. Trust me im suffering myself, but we have to try things to find happiness again. We where not born like this and we cant let this shit of an illness destroy our lives. Try to meditate and at least for a couple of minutes a day stop trying to understand everything in this world. Stop trying to self diagnose yourself. I know doing so wil bring anxiety but you have to try. Do things that you used to do before you came to be the way that you are. Even if you don feel like it, keep doing them. You are not a figment of your imagination, you are real. You might think me trying to give you this advice is also a figment of your imagination, trust me i used to feel the same. But is just our brain chemistry being a bit unbalance. Things will get better. If you beleive, you are halfway there. Trust me i have forgoten what it feels like to be "normal" again also. But just try to live your life as if you didint have it. I know is extrememly hard, but you have to get your mind used to seeing and experiencing the world how it did before dp/dr hit. Keep your mind active. Read a book, exercisie, create a song, go online and try to help other people that are going through similar experiences as you (at least you are giving hope to other people and that overall makes you feel very good, even in the middle of this hell). Submerge your mind into something else rather than just thinking of the problem that you all day. I am right there with you in this hell. I cant give you the exact instructions on how to release yourself from this illness but i can give you hope and let you know that you are not alone. Stay strong, things will get better. Once this is over, you will become a much stronger person.


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Ledezmel
Dec 29 2015 11:11 PM

it is a huge relief to see people describing the way i feel and cannot describe to other people.


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fieldsmatt31
Dec 30 2015 11:17 AM

i think the question is...who is seeing through those eyes? when you begin to discover that, your dilemma is solved. try to find an enlightened spiritual teacher that you resonate with to learn. example. mooji adyashanti. osho. eckart tolle.


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kayseas95
Jan 28 2016 08:51 PM

Hey guys, it are those thought's that are generating the fear and keep the depersonalization going. I thought that exact same way when I had dp\dr and now I don't even think of those things no more because I spent everyday focusing on one single thing, your brain isn't supposed to be functioning that way its working way to hard because there's too many thoughts of worry but that's OK though it happened to me day in day out. Slow your mind down as much as you can by putting you attention on one single thing it could be anything music, a sound, feeling something lol as long as its taking up all of your attention and hold it there long as you can , the more the better


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Isaac Neumann
Feb 19 2016 01:04 AM

Hey you're not alone. I have literally the exact same thoughts as you all the time. You're okay. The real world is still here. It hasn't changed. You're not crazy, you're not a monster. You're perfectly fine and healthy, you've just convinced yourself that you're not. I have trouble believing these things myself but you just gotta keep telling yourself them.

Stay strong.
 
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