[Guest]

This is my first post.

Long time reader, first time writer.

I can pinpoint my first period of Derealization three years ago. Depersonalization is a little trickier.

Like many of you I have a history with chemical playgrounds, but all of that stopped years before I disappeared.

My wife (second wife) does not want to see anything wrong with me. That is, outside of the fact that I have been drinking to self-medicate. I very rarely get wasted, plastered, or the rest. But, before I found out that I had DP/DR I always thought of my existence as being deafening. Alcohol tends to quiet things... it puts me back in my body. I don't want to continue drinking. It has caused a lot of problems. My wife does not come from a culture of daily use. I do.

My wife also has rage issues. This has been perfect!!! We fall into a continuous cycle where if I feel the depersonalization settling in, I'm detached from everything. I can't really love my kids any more. I can't play, I can't laugh, I can't do anything without being ten feet away from my body watching it happen, like watching a movie where I want to be the main character. I do not often drink to excess. Let's say, half pint of vodka (3 mixed drinks) over the course of the night. I hardly feel a buzz, but I can sing again, and play and have fun, because I feel here and now.

I am not an alcoholic. Does someone understand me?

When my wife smells drink on my breath, she has a fit. She screams, she rants. I've told her about finding this site. I've told her that I am finding a counselor, and a psychiatrist, that I want to be all of me again.
She fits and starts and I react by retreating again. This can happen for days. Feeling like a zombie till I can drink again and quiet the noise, again. This has been our pattern since before we were married. I never drive when I have been drinking, and I repeat, I hardly feel a buzz... I do not lose my faculties when I'm in the presence of my kids.

Is any one else having marital problems because of DP/DR?
How do you cope?
How does your spouse cope?
Are broken people destined to find broken people?

 

[Milan]

I haven't time at the moment to post a long reply as I'm preparing for my sons 5th birthday. But quickly DP/DR can cause a lot of tension in a marriage especially at times when the symptoms are strong and you feel scared and distant. It also doesn't help when the spouse gets angry with your 'selfish attitude' which only exacerbates the anxiety and DP/DR. It's hard because normal people can never understand this hell. Still we must keep on trying. Life is tough enough as it is just trying to survive and be happy and we have the extra burden of dealing with this monster. Very difficult at times.

 

[Homeskooled]

Dear Rett,
I can understand what your saying. I used to find that having a drink or two also settled down my DP. I dont have an addictive personality in the least, and alcoholism doesnt really run in my family. But it does seem to do something to the brain of a DP person. Some studies done have shown that people with ADD think clearer while intoxicated. Perhaps this occurs with DP too. They've actually brainscanned the brains of intoxicated ADDers. Anyways, why dont you try something to quiet down the "noise" in your head. Do you ever actually hear a low pitched buzz when you are in a completely quiet room? Its a common finding in people with temporal lobes which misfire, as it processes some of our hearing. Try taking something which acts directly on the temporal lobes, like Neurontin or Lamictal. It will give you the same affect as the alcohol, but safer and without the angry spouse.

Peace
Homeskooled

 

[Guest]

Thanks to both of you.

I'm trying to find a good specialist here. I'm very interested in Lamictal.

In terms of marriage, I'm on my second wife. I have three kids. The oldest lives with his mom and her partner six hours away by car. My kids are my life. I've tried to make my wife my focus, but in doing so, our problems, not our enjoyment continuously comes to the forefront.

Anyway, it's not divorce that scares me, necessarily. It's another custody battle and the loss of my remaining two sons. I don't think I would survive that. I believe that if there is a psychological root cause to my DP/DR it is directly related to losing my oldest.