[Guest]

i'm just realizing that the terribly unsettled feeling i've had forever has been depersonalization. i've felt this way for as long as i can remember--as young as age 3. i remember so many frustrating conversations with friends and later with therapists trying to explain how disconnected from the world and from my self i feel.
i've had anorexia nervosa since age 12--& disordered eating since age 4. i've been in recovery since age 20. i'm 23 now. still struggling. sometimes it feels like the struggle will never end. sometimes i feel like it's never going to get any better and i should just give up.
things that keep me going--my parrots & my job. those birds depend on me and they help me feel more connected to the world. and my job: i'm an artist in residence with an art therapy program. i work with high risk teens. i LOVE it. the kids are amazing. and when i'm there working with them, i don't think about any of this stuff. i'm just present in the moment. but as soon as i get in my car to drive home, the thoughts rush back in.
i've been on a zillion medication cocktails over the past 3 years. about to go through another med change. it's all so frustrating.
i'm glad i found this place though, and i hope that it will help me feel less alone. i spent so so many years feeling so alone in this.

 

[person3]

my mom was (and maybe still is?) anorexic since 1973, at varying levels of severity...she's 5'7", and has weighed as low as between 65 and 80 pounds (i don't remember which one)

but i grew up around it so deeply that it was almost normal to me

six months before dp, i finally GOT it...how to starve myself...i had been trying literally for years prior to that...I had tried for about four years to starve myself, nothing worked, i would gain the weight back plus more..but this time..it was like i unlocked a magical door....a pandora's box..i learned HOW to starve myself.

and if any budding anorexic wants to know what made me stop it was a full on nervous breakdown complete with DP!

but it's gotten WAY better. WAY WAY better. The more I learn about myself, the simpler it gets. it just takes a long time. talking to friends and family, some therapy (i'm not in it right now) and a lot of self-help books and this board have been the main thing for me.

actually something i found interesting to go to was an AA meeting...i went to one of the "open" meetings where you don't have to be an alcoholic or a member to go...their stories of addiction and lessons learned are very similar to our experiences...hmm...i wonder if i could get a "mentor" of sorts.

anyway hi. nice to meet you!

melissa

 

[person3]

i wonder if, because the starvation technique requires a lot of all-or-nothing, black and white thinking, is that a big issue you had too?

 

[Guest]

it could be possible that u trained urself to starve. its just like learning how to whistle, its starts with a little whisper until u keep trying u get an ear splitting whistle. this works with almost anything and can even relate to dp or dr. I remember when i had dp i used to keep trying to see if i still had it, i tried so hard to feel the sensation that eventualy i did and could feel it at will, its not the best idea