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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Im apologize for the long post. Im hope someone will take the time to read it and reply, I need your help.

Here is my story. I need replies and help for anyone who reads this and can help please email me, I cant live like this anymore. (I tryed to make it as short as possible)

It all started when I was 14 years old. I am now 20. At the time I was attending an atheletic boarding school, that focused on competetive skiing and snowboarding. My first time experiencing this awful feeling was after i was pressured by my roomates to use inhalants. They would always sit around and huff glade, and finally they got me to do it. (I wish I could go back in time). I did it a few times without any DP and just got "high", but then this one time after "huffing," DP hit hard for the first time. I remember it all like it was yesterday. I remember who was there, what they were wearing, what radio station was on, etc. After the "attack" ended, I tryed to go back to normal, but it just wouldnt happen. suddenly I was aware, or concious of things I never had been before. Things just looked strange. I started to notice these little tiny dot-like-sparkle-floaty things in the sky. I Also started to notice a strange high pitched ringing in my hears, and I was convinced I was losing my mind. At this time in my life I had not yet used Cannabis or any other drugs, besides the inhalants, but I will get to that later.
So im in the Ninth grade, and I am convinced that I'm having a nervous breakdown of some type, or simply just going insane. I was also worrying that I had caused brain damage from the inhalants, and to this day Im not sure If the DP/DR would have happened anyway, (I have read about people in whom it occured without any specific drug-type onset.) Eventually it got so bad, I had to return home, and withdraw from boarding school. I tryed to deal with the DP/DR for a little while, and after trying cannabis, I had thought I found a cure. I know it sounds weird because Cannabis usually triggers some peoples first onset of DP/DR, but for me, for some reason it helped. Its kind of parodoxial. I cant help but wonder is it works in the same way that speed(ADD-type drugs) does, to calm to hyperactive patients. Any way being 15, I couldn't smoke pot all the time, but I sure tryed to. For those of you suffering, you know that you'll do anything to rid yourself of DP, even if its illegal drugs. Getting on with the story, I faded through my 10th and 11th, grade years smoking pot, and basically failing school. The pot robbed my motivation to do anything else. However, just because I failed, doesn't mean I was stupid. I know that im not. I am actually very smart, (like most people with DP) and not to boast, but I am an extremely gifted guitarist.(thought I can barely read music, I can play anything I hear!) I can also play almost every other instrument very well.
Towards the end of my 11th grade year, I became involved with a girl, whom I am still with today, and I probably wouldnt be here now, if it weren't for her.
So here is the point, where my live took a turn for the worst. One day I was driving to the doctors office, for a routine visit, when suddenly I had my second panic attack,(the first I think was after the inhalant incident) as a result of the DP. I wont go into great detail explaining the panic attack, as im sure you all know what those are like.
So after almost crashing my car on the highway, thinking I was dying, and going deaf and everything else, when I arrived at the doctor I had a whole new agenda. They told me I had an anxiety-panic disorder, and the DP was because of that. Deep down I knew it wasn't. I was prescribed paxil. And to this day, after a two failed withdraw attempts, I am still on it. only 10 mgs a day though. So from the time I was about 17, to about a month and a half ago, (about christmas time, 2004 and early 2005) I was smoking cannabis on a regular day basis, at least twice a day, and taking paxil. After I graduated high school I went to work for my fathers company. I do architectual woodwork there, and was very content in my job, life, and everything else. I have my own house, and everything was going great. I had not felt any DP/DR since I was 17, and if I did, it went away quickly. I was happy and it I felt great; normal. So I went to the doctor and discussed going off paxil, (which can create a host of other problems all in itself, for more info, go to So I weaned down the paxil, way too fast and experienced horrible withdrawal symptoms. I was vomiting for two days straight, and everytime i would take the my nightly paxil dose, I would throw it up, so I was missing more doses. Then Suddenly, after almost forgetting what it felt like, DP/DR returned. I was horrified. I thought it was gone for good. I was so angry, and sad and scared, I just wanted it gone. I would play the guitar, and wonder "how the hell do I know how to do this," I would look at my hands and they looked so weird, I would talk and talk, then stop and wonder where the voice is coming from. I would look at my mother, father, or girlfriend and its almost like I dont recognize them, even though I KNOW its them. Fearing I was slipping into psychosis and was going to end up in the nut house, I slipped into a deep depression, but it lasted only for two days. I began to spend the days at my parents house sleeping and going online for answers.
So, I was at spending the days at my parents house sleeping, barely eating and looking online for answers. Thinking that the DP was somehow related to the paxil, and trying to get withdraw from it, I came upon a website organization called PaxilProgress. I found some relief here, but soon realized that paxil wasn't the problem. I experienced the DP long before paxil came into the picture. If anything I think paxil has helped with my negative obsessive thought pattern, (Even though its an awful drug and is basically for profit purposes, like the other ssri drugs)
SO this leads to where I am today. I am still on paxil 10mg, and have not smoked pot in over 2 weeks. I tryed, but became paranoid, and I wonder why because It DID help for so long. I have returned back to work even though I have to push myself so hard to do everything. I feel like my life is over and I cant live like this much longer. The information I have learned about DP disorder has helped though. I know its not progressive. I know im not insane, but rather too sane, in the sense that I'm constantly testing reality and WAY too overconcious about everything I do, say, think, and see. i read a book on meditation, and tryed it to help quiet my mind. After meditating for the first time, I felt more DPed so I dont think I will continue with that.
I used to think that I died long ago, (after that inhalant incident) and that the life i was living was actually hell(Now thats a delusion). But I know thats not true either. Im going to see a psychiatrist, but I wonder if its even worth it, and what they can do for me. I dont to be sold some anti-psychotic drugs. I just want to get better, and that only thing thats keeping my going is telling myself that I will. I think what I really need right now is to hear a story of sucess. Someone who has beaten this. I need to know I can beat this. I have to much too live for just to give up. So please, anyone who can help me, please reply, or email me at [email protected]. Thank you for reading this, but I should probably join the rest of em' and start watching the superbowl. Again I really need someone to reply. I dont know what to do. I NEED TO KNOW IT GETS BETTER!!!

Discussion Starter · #2 ·
anyone can beat this if they have enough confidence in themselves to do so, Only thing u could right now is act upon ur problem. Lower your anxiety, focus outwards( do not think deep depressing thoughts), Think of it as a mind game. Lots of people have overcome the problem using simple techniques. I dont suggest using marijuana again, Get yourself pumped up to win the battle. You'll find some support on this site on how to beat this problem. But also you will find alot of depressing posts here, because people love to show everyone that there lives suck, and how hopeless they are on the site as an easier way to cope with their problems, i suggest not visiting this site too often as it reminds you of your problem. Dont pay alot of attention to your problem. Just pretend that you are normal because the more you think about depersonalization the more it tends to grow and become stronger, but if you ignore it then it will eventually fade away. Think on a higher level, you can beat this, there is a cure within you, be strong. :p
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