Hey Samodrot, it all started 4 months a go. I just came out of a severe hiv ocd period. This was the third time I had such a period. But this time I stood my ground. I kept working, socializing and rationalizing. But I was frightened to death. After these 5 months (took a test)
I was exhausted and severely depressed. This was new for me because I should have been improving after the test.
Then suddenly I asked myself if we humans really exist? Well that did not scare me, just was curious. Out of curiosity I started googling, and then I found the philosophical theory of solipsism (do not look it up if you do not know what that means, I really mean that!!!!) and whammmmm, complete mayhem, scared to death again.
Now I am scared of coincidences, patterns and synchronicities because I have attached a meaning to them. I think. I try to rationalize them, but it is just overwhelming. I can't explain them all. It is like I am creating them to prove that I am in control of reality.
And if I am in control of reality, then nothing has a real meaning. No real love, work has no meaning, I have no meaning. I realize that it sounds crazy, but I can not shake the fear. Uncertainty is my trigger.
I have read on this site that these thoughts are very common under people with dp/dr. During my hiv OCD phases I also noticed a lot of scary coincidences. Every time I turned on the radio or tv something was mentioned about hiv, like it was following me. I do not know if this is dr. I do not have all the symptoms that people report on this site. I am lost.
The coincidences that I keep noticing do not tell me to do something, they just frighten me.
I was exhausted and severely depressed. This was new for me because I should have been improving after the test.
Then suddenly I asked myself if we humans really exist? Well that did not scare me, just was curious. Out of curiosity I started googling, and then I found the philosophical theory of solipsism (do not look it up if you do not know what that means, I really mean that!!!!) and whammmmm, complete mayhem, scared to death again.
Now I am scared of coincidences, patterns and synchronicities because I have attached a meaning to them. I think. I try to rationalize them, but it is just overwhelming. I can't explain them all. It is like I am creating them to prove that I am in control of reality.
And if I am in control of reality, then nothing has a real meaning. No real love, work has no meaning, I have no meaning. I realize that it sounds crazy, but I can not shake the fear. Uncertainty is my trigger.
I have read on this site that these thoughts are very common under people with dp/dr. During my hiv OCD phases I also noticed a lot of scary coincidences. Every time I turned on the radio or tv something was mentioned about hiv, like it was following me. I do not know if this is dr. I do not have all the symptoms that people report on this site. I am lost.
The coincidences that I keep noticing do not tell me to do something, they just frighten me.
