I too have been in a tough place recently. I've been battling a severe case of persistent DP-DR and HPPD for over two years now and have also been dealing with endocrine problems (adrenal fatigue, thyroiditis, etc.) for the past 15 months or so. I currently have hypothyroidism which is almost as much of a nightmare as DP. To put it into perspective, it's not entirely uncommon for people with thyroid issues to be misdiagnosed as schizophrenic or bipolar. After a lifetime of being sharp, witty, funny, curious and generally intelligent I've seen my brain, memory and cognitive function -- not to mention my body -- completely deteriorate to the point I can barely talk or string sentences together. I can't remember hardly anything day to day, I've lost contact with all my friends, I don't really laugh or smile at all and most importantly I'm in some sort of severe mental or physical pain at all times.
It's strange because I'm so much better than I was a year ago when I had the first breakdown of my life, hand't slept in three months and went through a horrible breakup. I didn't know how I would make it minute to minute, much less day to day, and was basically suicidal for months on end. I'm no longer in that nightmare, yet it seems the pain has just transformed into a different type of suffering, less so emotional and more so physiological and cognitive.
I should have been dead many times by now, but I'm still alive for some reason. I think so much of my survival has hinged on my ability to absorb the most excruciating emotional pain I ever thought possible, only to endure yet another wave even more intense shortly thereafter and to repeat this process over and over for hundreds of days on end. Eventually you get to the point where, as depressing as it sounds, endurance of pain simply becomes who you are.
Trust me, I know very well the desire to be through with it all. That peace of finally just letting go and submitting to the waves and never having to deal with the pain again is enticing. I can't tell you how many times I've used suicide ideation as a way to cope, just knowing the option was always on the table gave me relief. But the other option is that eventually, as long as you do everything in your power to improve your health, you will get better. I always knew this, and even though my improvement has been microscopic it's still improvement, still movement in the right direction. And so this has basically been my lifesaver throughout this entire process: movement. You just have to keep moving, keep exercising, keep going to therapy, keep improving your diet, keep striving for health and happiness at whatever the cost. Because the minute you decide to stop is the minute you get closer to death. It's just like the dead shark theory from Annie Hall.
This is the best advice I can give, honestly. I've been in your shoes so I know what it's like, and this is the only thing I can say that might help. The truth is, you're the only one that knows what's right for you. I hope you can find a way to keep fighting because I have tremendous confidence that as long as you improve your health in some way each day you're taking a positive step in the right direction, but I also understand the severity of this condition and cannot judge anyone who decides to go a different route. We all know what's best for ourselves and we must listen to our hearts.
Though I've shed tears tonight because of my pain I know that tomorrow is a new day and that I can take steps to get better. I plan on doing just that, and I hope you will to. Life, even in tremendous heartache and overwhelming suffering, is and always will be worth living.
