Reading around a little here tonight (this thread and the really sad one started by Rob) and I am suddenly really demoralized.
I am a newish here, now around six months. I wanted to be a "member." I think my posts are sententious. I think I am trying to cook up some persona for social reasons as much as anything else, trying to define myself. I do this in the non-virtual world as well, but have given up on being anyone of any consequence, and so out there I try to pick a facade that is as innocuous as possible.
Here it seems to me, tonight, that I have been trying to create a different kind of identity, and as I said, I don't much like it. I have associated this absolute sense of disingenuousness with DP.
But this place seems so full of distinct personalities, and right now I think I have been trying to have/be, one myself. It is a trap, an eternal shuttle, because, I think every utterance implies or creates some kind of person or personality or self. Never mind about that.
Was going someplace with this, something like, if I enter some kind of debate I really don't know what I am talking about.
My experience as briefly as possible:
Very fortunate to have had a great childhood.
Disgusted at how ungrateful I have been for this good fortune
Pretty happy, optimistic, and in some ways prodigious kid
Changed quickly concurrent with use of cannabis.
To my surprise and shame became in so many ways "damaged" adult.
Functioned until now through a series of shitty jobs and lots of beer.
Enough of this.
Is there anxiety here? Yes. Is there psychology? Duh. Is there something else related, specifically, to cannabis? I had always thought so, in the back of my mind, but had dismissed this. One, it is shameful to think that I have so adversely affected my life by just trying to be like my friends. Two, it just didn't seem possible for something almost everyone I knew experienced as a mild diversion to have a long lasting effect on me. It was adding THC to a search on things like unreality that I found out about DP, and on this site I found other people, for the first time, talking about the same syndrome.
That is why I have been putzing around here, and I have found if of great value. For one reason the wealth of support and information, and the possibility of real help. For another, some sense of being someone. I don't really want to engage in any controversy or to debate anything. Rob and Joe and Janine and Dreamer and Rev and Jag and sc and etc.--all this stuff is good and nothing wrong with a little passion, absent any nastiness.
As far as the original point. I am similar to Jag. Terror at first, thinking that the successful life I had planned would turn into a life devoid of accomplishment and human intimacy. Now that this has happened, there is not that much to be afraid of. I have no symptoms debilitating enough to keep me from getting out in the world and doing (albiet, mostly the minimum) things I need to do.
As far as the way I percieve my self and my surroundings, I am used to this way of experiencing things and can live with it. I have assumed I will have no other choice.
My main aim is to confront any symptoms that might keep me from improving my life, (assuming I can cook up some motivation to try) preparing for the next several decades, which can not go like the last several, improving the nuts and bolts of my existence before it is really to late. These very well may be anxiety and depression and the like. Anyway