Does DP/DR matter?

Joe, I actually laugh at you telling me what I really have. You have no understanding about what depersonalization disorder is. It can certainly make one anxious to have to perform in world that has suddenly become like a dream, armed only with the momentum of a self that once was, but which now is just an empty space. It can certainly be depressing to watch your life drift by, un-lived.

Of course depersonalization can be primary, and probably is, for almost everybody on this forum. Anxiety and depression are much easier to understand, but people are here because those core symptoms of depersonalization (read them on the opening page if you are not sure what they are) resonate so deeply. They are here at dp selfhelp instead of anxiety selfhelp or depression selfhelp, because they felt a massive sense of relief when they found these facts of their own existence (the ones that make you laugh) not only defined, finally, but actually shared.

These facts, that you ridicule as ?mysterious,? ARE mysterious. (Again, if you?re not sure what they are, I refer you to the first page of this site) They are mysterious because they are hard to explain, hard to pin down. They are mysterious because there is barely a vocabulary that speaks to them--the words ?empty? ?unreal? etc. just don?t seem sufficient. They are mysterious because the only places one can find other than small circles (like this one) where people can actually understand the impact of these words, are in literature and philosophy. The are especially mysterious to a young person (the typical age on onset for this thing) who may be unsophisticated, and who only knows that their life is being disrupted.

This thing that doesn?t exist, this ?Mysterious? DP is indeed mysterious, because when that person, young or old, wanders into the office of some mental health so-called professional thinking ?my god I need help,? and tries to describe that their self and surroundings have become unreal, the odds are that they will face someone who won?t understand what they are talking about, won?t respond to it, and won?t take it seriously. The mental health so-called professional will be able to see that the person in his or her office is indeed anxious. Who wouldn?t be.

Of course depersonalization is primary, for those who recognize it in themselves. But one of the main things they will talk about is anxiety, and this shouldn?t be surprising. If people were out displaying symptoms of just depersonalization they would be poking people to make sure they were real. They would be behaving in wildly idiosyncratic ways because it wouldn?t matter since the world is a dream. They would be simply standing mute because they would have no self to do otherwise.

It is a key symptom of depersonalization disorder, and one we all understand, that reality testing remains intact. (This is also a little mysterious, since what people are complaining about is unreality.) So the symptoms of anxiety and depression will be the ones that are visible. And anxiety will be the easiest explanation for the whole mess.

Through the last 30 years it has been in my calmest moments, when I have reflected on what I am and where I have been, that I describe these primary symptoms.

For the majority of that time, these symptoms have seemed entirely unique. Try to imagine the feeling, after decades of this, of finding out they are far from unique, but are, in fact, stereotypical to this ?mysterious? disorder. Virtually to the letter. Understand that this feeling of revelation is also stereotypical to this disorder, not to anxiety disorders.

Of course, Joe, you can ?still say? what you like, and you can ?laugh? all you like, but this thing exists. Expect no further debate from me.

Reading around a little here tonight (this thread and the really sad one started by Rob) and I am suddenly really demoralized.

I am a newish here, now around six months. I wanted to be a "member." I think my posts are sententious. I think I am trying to cook up some persona for social reasons as much as anything else, trying to define myself. I do this in the non-virtual world as well, but have given up on being anyone of any consequence, and so out there I try to pick a facade that is as innocuous as possible.

Here it seems to me, tonight, that I have been trying to create a different kind of identity, and as I said, I don't much like it. I have associated this absolute sense of disingenuousness with DP.

But this place seems so full of distinct personalities, and right now I think I have been trying to have/be, one myself. It is a trap, an eternal shuttle, because, I think every utterance implies or creates some kind of person or personality or self. Never mind about that.

Was going someplace with this, something like, if I enter some kind of debate I really don't know what I am talking about.

My experience as briefly as possible:

Very fortunate to have had a great childhood.
Disgusted at how ungrateful I have been for this good fortune
Pretty happy, optimistic, and in some ways prodigious kid
Changed quickly concurrent with use of cannabis.
To my surprise and shame became in so many ways "damaged" adult.
Functioned until now through a series of shitty jobs and lots of beer.
Enough of this.

Is there anxiety here? Yes. Is there psychology? Duh. Is there something else related, specifically, to cannabis? I had always thought so, in the back of my mind, but had dismissed this. One, it is shameful to think that I have so adversely affected my life by just trying to be like my friends. Two, it just didn't seem possible for something almost everyone I knew experienced as a mild diversion to have a long lasting effect on me. It was adding THC to a search on things like unreality that I found out about DP, and on this site I found other people, for the first time, talking about the same syndrome.

That is why I have been putzing around here, and I have found if of great value. For one reason the wealth of support and information, and the possibility of real help. For another, some sense of being someone. I don't really want to engage in any controversy or to debate anything. Rob and Joe and Janine and Dreamer and Rev and Jag and sc and etc.--all this stuff is good and nothing wrong with a little passion, absent any nastiness.

As far as the original point. I am similar to Jag. Terror at first, thinking that the successful life I had planned would turn into a life devoid of accomplishment and human intimacy. Now that this has happened, there is not that much to be afraid of. I have no symptoms debilitating enough to keep me from getting out in the world and doing (albiet, mostly the minimum) things I need to do.

As far as the way I percieve my self and my surroundings, I am used to this way of experiencing things and can live with it. I have assumed I will have no other choice.

My main aim is to confront any symptoms that might keep me from improving my life, (assuming I can cook up some motivation to try) preparing for the next several decades, which can not go like the last several, improving the nuts and bolts of my existence before it is really to late. These very well may be anxiety and depression and the like. Anyway