[fiorile]

I can only pinpoint my life of DP to waking up at 21 and never being the same. I am highly functional, having achieved an MA and PhD, and I work as a professor, but I'm deeply unhappy. I've been to many, many psychiatrists, and it's only in the last year that one HAS known what I'm describing. My therapists are the same. My quality of life is completely unacceptable and I desire death almost every day but can't do it to the 2 family members in my life who seem to care. I never feel I did anything wrong to anyone but seem to be living out a cursed existence behind the looking glass. I have read everything I can, especially Janine Baker's book, and asked for aggressive treatment, to no avail. It's 17 years now, and I don't think it'll go away. There's been little relief and only temporary.

I read the stories, lots from people who have taking lots of recreational drugs. None of them seem to offer any real hope. I have a little of that, and the requisite abuse in my background. For the past 35 hours I've been housebound with migraine, completely alone in my unique weirdness, knowing there are others who feel this way but uncertain there's any point in going on to the point of hoping to feel better.

Has anyone managed to live through this? Called himself happy? Can anyone say "go on"?

 

[squish_is_me]

I think I am more Dr than DP and I have only been experiencing it for a year. I can say I am not perpetually unhappy as you sound! I only find distress in my own fears that I am going insane and the anxiety that follows. Otherwise I am as much myself as I ever was!
I dont know if that makes you feel better or worse but its me.

 

[Dreamland]

fiorile- Wow.....I think that you might actually have depersonalization disorder which is very uncommon. Most people seem to have it as a symptom of anxiety and depression and susbsequently come and go and vary in intensity. Have you had any experience with medications(SSRI'S Tricyclics MAOI's SMRI's etc). If you have been prescribed anything, you probably never were given an MAOI like Parnate or Marplan, but that might be the answer for you. It's often a medication of last resort because of the diet restrictions that go along with it. What have you tried that hasn't worked?

 

[Inflammed]

I'm still a happy human being.
I'm weirdly wired but, I still can breath life into me each moment I live.

 

[Milan]

I feel for you fiorile. I had bad chest and head aches that started around xmas time and they lasted for about four months. Couldn't sleep, work or even function. The DP/DR was so strong and the anxiety wouldn't go away. Lying down to get some rest was an instant trip into some drug induced dimension. In a nut shell it was BAD. Thankfully a lot of it was due to my insomnia and a SSRI helped get my sleep back on track again.
During that period I truly did not feel like going on, I felt there was no point to existence and even my young son wasn't giving me the will to go on. One of the most unhappy experiences of my life. I just simply lived through the pain not knowing if these was going to be an end to the ordeal. I do feel better these days and the only advice I can offer is that you are not alone and keep on existing until something changes. Stay close to family and loved ones and keep posting here.

 

[Shadow Cat]

I don't know if you are still looking for a psychiatrist, but if you are, you might want to consider trying to go to a university. They almost always have really good psychiatrists that know a lot.

 

[Guest]

hi fiorile,

I believe that if I were going to be diagnosed, I would have DP Disorder. I've had 24/7 DP/DR for 20 years, and have had other problems off and on like phobias and depression, but by far the overbearing, constant problem has been DP/DR.

I've also been to many many psychiatrists/ psychologists/ social workers and not one, not a single one knew about DP, especially not as a disorder unto itself. In fact most of them asked me if I'd been smoking pot, when I described my symptoms (I wasn't).

Since you have a highly functional life you've obviously learned coping mechanisms and ways to sidestep your problem. This is how I've gotten by-- just by recognizing my limits and side stepping the DP wherever I can.

 

[samantha]

Fiorile, your experience is my experience. I feel the same and read medicine at uni; I am in a dark tunnel, no light at the end. Below is part of something (over 10,000 words in total) I wrote to try and describe it (I am dyslexic, this be related in part to my problems?):

"what?s your name, I am not saying, if you say that one more time, I am confused I cannot even understand the question, that?s OK it says on the form here-idiot, no my mistake I misread it- dyslexic-same thing? either way you are stupid, don?t they mean the same thing, leave me alone, leave me alone, you leave me alone but you over there-hold me, don?t expect anything just hold me, escape, escape, fly away, no where to fly to, disorientated, escape, dig a tunnel, you must escape, pain, confusion, no emotion, nothing can touch me here, dawn breaks sun touched me, warmth, yellow, dew, face down, confusion, help me, beyond help, help(less), confused, where have you been, no where, exactly tell me more, where have you been, I don?t know, this is your life, I still don?t know and I don?t care, was somewhere and fell asleep, I must have done because I was somewhere and now I am here, you?re dazed, concussed, you are confused aren?t you"

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[gem]

I think I have a good life even though I am suffering on a daily basis. Every waking moment is painful to live but I have managed to do alot of things even though the dp/dr is horrible. I also suffer with migraine headaches, I actually suffer from alot of things which sometimes I wonder how I ever get through the day. I have migrainne, battling an eating disorder, fibromylgia, anemia lots of things to bring me down not to mention the dp. I live moment to moment and I try to find the good moments throughout the day and I focus on them. I may have one hour where I feel not to bad and in that hour I try really hard to do things that keep the mind in a different place other than the illness, such as my art, reading or my writing, I have also found it helpful to speak in schools at one time helping others who suffer. I have written articles that have helped others which helps me feel like I am doing things to help even though things at times feel pretty dark. My quality of life is improving because I am choosing to work hard at keeping my mind on things that I truly enjoy in hope that someday the brain will lose the dp from lack of attention.

gem.

 

[Guest]

the biggest problems for me now are one; i've such a hazy memory. I feel like i'm just floating around no past no future. Few memories hold emotional attachment.

the other is probably insomia, i get extremely anxious at night, it feels like i'm dying. But i'm don't better ignoring dr.

 

[Guest]

Hi,
I've had DR for two years. It's not bad all of the time, but when I'm hit hard, I can only lie down and wait for it to be over. Some days are better (today) and I can have some sort of life. But the unreal feeling is allways there, more or less. I used to feel depressed all of the time, but now I get some mood stabilizing drugs, and they help a lot!

I have anxiety (Generalized Anxiety Disorder, GAD) and it makes many things difficult!

Still, I would say that I can enjoy life. There's actually so many things to be happy about, and many things you can do with your time. But not when you're depressed of course...to me, it sounds as if your're having some kind of depression or existential crisis?