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Does anyone else deal with strong feelings of apathy toward themselves?

437 Views 6 Replies 5 Participants Last post by  nwheeler
[rant]

It's an issue i've been struggling with for a really long time. It's a mix between already horrible self esteem and the disconnect from emotion that comes along with the DPDR.

This is not just simple "I don't like myself." I feel physically unable to care, or form an opinion on, my safety, wellbeing and future. I am completely apathetic to my entire existence. I mean nothing to myself.

it's been quite difficult lately when it comes to treatment, medication and getting help for my mental health. The sole reason I go to my appointments is not because I want to get better—as stated, I do not care if I do or don't—but because I know my friends want me to get better. because I respect how much effort they've put into helping me get this far. because I love them and it's the least I can do for them.

but even with that, i find myself slipping. i feel like I'm teetering on the edge of just giving up entirely. stopping my meds, abandoning my appointments, not pursuing my attempts to get therapy. just let myself slip into the abyss, once more.
i guess part of it is because I've grown tired, once again. fighting is difficult. i don't have it in me anymore and it'll be so much easier to just stop trying. my friends likely wouldn't notice anyway, we're not in a position to be supporting eachothers' mental health at the moment so it's not like they'd know I'm slipping again.

I don't know. it all comes down to the fact that I simply cannot care about myself. i do not care about getting better, I do not care about my safety or wellbeing. the only thing I care about is my friends, and I'm clinging so desperately to that, but I fear my arms are getting weaker and I'll just let go eventually.

it doesn't help that there's not really much anyone can do at the moment. there's no magic cure. it'll likely take months, if not years of therapy to get past this. my doctor's are running out of options and my only option at the moment is to be put on the community mental health waiting list to get into therapy, which may not even work.

idk at this point, I've grown so tired of everything that I've considered abusing my sleeping meds just so that I can sleep more and won't have to think so much. it's hell.
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I know exactly what you mean...
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Perhaps it is a sign of depression. I know that depression doesn't necessarily make you feel sad, but it can make you lose interest in absolutely anything. I had a friend who told me she attempted suicide after a long time of depression, and she said something similar, that she felt really tired, took many sleeping pills, and she said that in her mind she did not really want to die but just wanted to sleep for a very long time. This thing is really serious, it kills people. Fortunately she did not succeed. Therapy helped her, and when I knew her she had a very normal mood. I think this has to be taken very seriously. Did your psychiatrist say anything about those symptoms?
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I've gotta restate you sound pretty underserved in terms of appropriate mental health services. I'm not gonna suppose why that is, but I've heard it's common in the NHS. I've had a lot of unqualified help in my day, and a lot of qualified help. In the US if the waiting list is too long we can go somewhere else with a shorter waiting list or where we can be seen immediately, which yields mixed results in terms of quality.
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Perhaps it is a sign of depression. I know that depression doesn't necessarily make you feel sad, but it can make you lose interest in absolutely anything. I had a friend who told me she attempted suicide after a long time of depression, and she said something similar, that she felt really tired, took many sleeping pills, and she said that in her mind she did not really want to die but just wanted to sleep for a very long time. This thing is really serious, it kills people. Fortunately she did not succeed. Therapy helped her, and when I knew her she had a very normal mood. I think this has to be taken very seriously. Did your psychiatrist say anything about those symptoms?
I do have depression; I think that's mainly the source of this thinking/the low self-esteem. It always seems like DPDR turns it up to a 10, though, especially with the emotional numbness. It goes from simply not liking myself/having hope in myself to actively disregarding self-care, safety and consequences.

I'm sorry that happened to your friend, and I'm glad to hear that she lived through that and has gotten help.
My urges to abuse my sleeping meds are mostly harmless; it's not about taking heaps all at once, just taking them when I wake up so I go back to sleep.

It's hard to really think that this should be taken seriously, anymore. I'm desensitized, and the fact that I'm not literally about to take my life means it's not the priority concern of the healthcare system. either. I haven't seen a psychiatrist in a while, but the psychologist I saw yesterday was really understanding about it. She said she understood how scary it must be, and she's taking my case back to the rest of the mental health team to see what they say about it. My GP is also quite worried, but the only thing she can really do is keep seeing me every two weeks and checking in on me.


I've gotta restate you sound pretty underserved in terms of appropriate mental health services. I'm not gonna suppose why that is, but I've heard it's common in the NHS. I've had a lot of unqualified help in my day, and a lot of qualified help. In the US if the waiting list is too long we can go somewhere else with a shorter waiting list or where we can be seen immediately, which yields mixed results in terms of quality.
I don't know; It's kind of just how it is. My doctor is fighting for me, and she makes sure to see me every two weeks to ensure my safety. I've had to stop the therapy I was in, the approach was simply not going to work unless I took care of the urgent DPDR stuff, so my GP referred me back to the government-run community mental health services (CMHT). She seemed to think a DBT or CBT approach might help, and the CMHT seemed really understanding, but there is a waitlist since I'm not in immediate danger. If I wasn't getting help through CMHT the DBT waitlist for other practices would be 9+ months.
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I do have depression; I think that's mainly the source of this thinking/the low self-esteem. It always seems like DPDR turns it up to a 10, though, especially with the emotional numbness. It goes from simply not liking myself/having hope in myself to actively disregarding self-care, safety and consequences.

I'm sorry that happened to your friend, and I'm glad to hear that she lived through that and has gotten help.
My urges to abuse my sleeping meds are mostly harmless; it's not about taking heaps all at once, just taking them when I wake up so I go back to sleep.

It's hard to really think that this should be taken seriously, anymore. I'm desensitized, and the fact that I'm not literally about to take my life means it's not the priority concern of the healthcare system. either. I haven't seen a psychiatrist in a while, but the psychologist I saw yesterday was really understanding about it. She said she understood how scary it must be, and she's taking my case back to the rest of the mental health team to see what they say about it. My GP is also quite worried, but the only thing she can really do is keep seeing me every two weeks and checking in on me.




I don't know; It's kind of just how it is. My doctor is fighting for me, and she makes sure to see me every two weeks to ensure my safety. I've had to stop the therapy I was in, the approach was simply not going to work unless I took care of the urgent DPDR stuff, so my GP referred me back to the government-run community mental health services (CMHT). She seemed to think a DBT or CBT approach might help, and the CMHT seemed really understanding, but there is a waitlist since I'm not in immediate danger. If I wasn't getting help through CMHT the DBT waitlist for other practices would be 9+ months.
Yeah I'm not saying your situation is uniquely bad I'm just lamenting how people in general are underserved. I hope in nine months you receive appropriate treatment. Well executed DBT might benefit you a lot in terms of learning some emotional regulation. Being good to yourself is as important as being good to others.
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I'm so sorry. My teen daughter is describing the same thing and your post really helps me understand. I'd do anything to find the answer to this.
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