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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I have joined the group after so much time observing and reading from the outside. Apart from some questions that have occurred to me about the causes of this disorder (that I will try to post later) I really have nothing to say for now. However, I thought it was necessary to post, and I remembered that a few months ago I began writing some kind of diary about this disease, that I thought would be more but the thing did not last a day. So that is the only thing I can think of sharing with you. And here it goes.

I'm writing this because I suffer from a mental disorder named depersonalization-derealization. Depersonalization is a dissociative illness that consists in a disturbance of the experience of the self, which goes inevitably linked with the consciousness. Basically, my consciousness does not perceive itself as a whole and absolute "I". Perceptions, memories, actions and emotions do not have in the mind the natural connection with the consciousness that before I took for granted. I move my arm to grab a glass of water, and it is as if I am seeing the action through the eyes of another person. This makes it feel like I am doing it automatically so I barely notice my actions most of the time. Apart from this, my hands and the rest of my body seem unreal, because the apperception of them is not related to anything else that gives them coherence, for example, to my emotions or the habit of how it feels to have my legs. Somehow I know they are there, but they do not seem mine nor do I feel them mine. The same thing happens with everything that surrounds me and I suppose this is what results in derealization. Ultimately I find myself in my head because I keep thinking, but the experience is so confusing that in a way is as if I was not.

Then, I wonder if I am the one writing. Or rather, I wonder who I am and what is the meaning of what I write. What meaning have the words I think? Am I really saying what I am trying to say? If it is an objective meaning, I would say that my condition does not allow me to reach it and therefore I do not really know what I am trying to say, but I approach it. I can define the words. Body: extension of matter. Mind: where psychological processes such as thoughts and feelings occur. But I see that what I do not reach is the true meaning for me, in my interior, because I do not feel these definitions as real, I do not associate them within me with the real world that I experienced before and the one I felt was part of. What I do not achieve is an internal connection in my mind of the true relationships of things in the reality that I had previously learned in a healthy way. As for who I am, things get complicated. Definitely not my body, nor my thoughts; I experience them separately and therefore the incoherence. The body I do not feel it as real and my own and most thoughts do not correspond with reality. I thought about this well, because I had concluded that I am not what I do in this state, since I feel that I do not decide. But it is like with the words and the meaning of what I say. In this state I do decide to do certain things, although many of my actions are driven by anxiety and fear. What happens is that it is out of the possibilities to have a healthy reflection of reality. This very thing I decide to write is based on what it seems to me a disturbed judgment. Certainly, I only write a few times when I feel better. Another thing to take into account is that my memory does not work as before, and I barely remember what I do for the simple reason that they were facts that I experienced, but I do not remember them vividly at all (as I do not vividly remember my past before the disorder ) and they vanish from time to time as unreal. It's hard not to think that I am really nobody.

But before the disorder I was someone. Who? This question is practically impossible to answer when you are this sick, because the disorder is not knowing who you are in a healthy mental state. It consists in not being anyone and being lost in your own mind and body. If I can answer this question, if I can find out who I am, it means that I would already be cured. Now, I do not know if it is the answer that would heal me, or if the answer comes only after I have healed in some other way that naturally does not cross my mind. In any case, from this point on, there is no point in continuing to write. Because it does not take me anywhere. My purpose was to give a description of the illness from the illness. If at any moment the neurons of my brain react once and for all in some way in which I have "correct" thoughts, this chaos that I feel would become just a healthy memory of a terrible and deeply confusing journey, whose only positive side would have been been able to solve it and get out of it.
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