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Hi people,

I've been here for quite some time now, but it's the first time I'm making a post and it's a big post. There is something I want to share as well as something I want to learn and there is no better place than this to do that.

Depersonalisation-Derealisation embodies a large number of symptoms all of which are not present in everybody. I haven't met anyone in real life to discuss this with, but I've read many people say many different things on internet. It's bothering me and I want to settle this doubt for once and for all. Please point out anything you disagree with.

I have this very specific question. Since the onset of DP, have you noticed any alterations in your conscious experience? Any conscious experience is inherently self aware. So do you think, that you now have somewhat diminished self awareness? I've heard people say "it's like I have lost my "self".", "there is no sense of self", "there is no inner monologue or my mind has gone blank".

When we talk about self, it can mean two things - 1. The narrative self which refers to how we see ourselves within the world, defines the interpersonal boundaries and narrates our life and experiences to us. 2. The self which refers to our personal identity (I don't exactly understand this one, but may be like your own beliefs and opinions). The self is basically the consciousness. Sounds familiar?

I've had this theory in my mind for some time now that if I actually have DP, and if what I've heard people say about their symptoms is true, then it's basically just lack or absence of consciousness, which has been speculated to be associated with inner speech. And most of the symptoms can be explained by just keeping these in mind. If something returns me my "inner speech" or the "inner monologue", most of the problems would solve automatically.

Then recently, I came across this Wikipedia article on Self Disorder. It says that it is the condition where even a minimal sense of self doesn't exist. It goes on to say that this happens in many conditions including Schizophrenia, BPD & DPDR but a severe erosion of minimal self only happens in Schizophrenia. This is one of the hypotheses of schizophrenia, and anything self-related can easily be misdiagnosed as psychotic.

I can say for sure that right now I AM experiencing a severe erosion of self, but not because I have schizophrenia, but because I was heavily involuntarily medicated on neuroleptics after my panic attack which caused DP was thought of as a psychotic experience, which it wasn't(that's a story for some other day). It's all so vague in psychiatry, it's hopeless. I hadn't lost everything by that time though it seemed to me too I lost myself, but what it really means I know now. APs just have the opposite effect on DP, it's like kicking the nuts of a dying person. Just cruel.

So I just want to know how severe is your erosion of self, if you have one? How would you describe your first person experience? Let's just define self-awareness, if you don't already know, in a very simple way for the sake of discussion - The ability to look back at your own behavior and be able to modify or make changes to it, the essence of being present in the moment. As for me, I am a complete zombie. I have zero sensations, zero awareness, zero feelings, no inner experience, almost nil will power. I have become an NPC, literally, I'm not exaggerating.

Waiting for your replies.
 

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I do feel like this robot all the time. One of my friends even called me one. I was clueless about language, about living, about socializing with memories of being unclueless, memories of experience and being more normal. It’s very frustrating and haunting. I went from being a full-fledged person to a 0% nothing. I don’t remember the things I used to say or how I said them. My personality was gone. I don’t know if this reply helps but that was my experience. I had a huge erosion of self.
 

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I get what you mean, My brain felt like someone crushed it in october then I felt relief from anxiety and shit and how shit I felt about having dp. Then october I woke up and poof, head felt empty almost has not inner drive or the ability to just think naturally, like flow with the world as you normally do. My self had disappeared, was just a mind in a body with no connection. Like my brain has decided that I was harming it so its said you can take the back seat or something.
If I have all my memories albeit no connection to them, surely I can get my sense of self back. I knew who I was before this so surely im there somewhere.

I read about the self disorder and it freaked me out as it sounded similar, however schizophrenia is a massive break from reality and theh believe it as real, I am most certainly not psychotic just that I have no emotions or emotional memory etc or connection with the world or anyone in it.

Really wish that I can get back.
 

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Hello,

I believe that DP/DR is a dislocation of Consciousness. Just as a physical bone may become dislocated, e.g. dislocated knee. And so it may be possible to relocate.

There are a number of problems we face with this. One is that nobody can see this. It's like as if life were a marathon race, and we have a dislocated knee, yet nobody can tell, and wonders why we aren't running. Then we have to try our best to limp on forward in life in extreme pain and nobody can help us but ourselves.

Secondly, Scientists are currently still debating whether or not Consciousness even exists or not. But I believe one day that Science can potentially figure it out and discover/detect and work with Consciousness itself. Then they could possibly develop a technology to manipulate Consciousness. At that point, DP/DR would be a simple visit to the doctor, and they'd use their machines and snap us back into place.

But that is not currently the case. Consciousness and the Self being central to our being, makes our case like trying to operate on our own broken hand, using that broken hand to operate with, and not knowing or having been schooled on how to perform surgery. We are in the Dark Ages of DP/DR Research and Understanding.

But there is hope. People do recover after all. I've always believed that if we only knew the way, then it would be quite easy. The major problem is not knowing what this is, not having any answers to the ten thousand questions we have. But I maintain my belief, DP/DR is a matter of Consciousness, and more specifically a dislocation of Consciousness.

One last thing I'd like to share that I believe: Consciousness is to Mind as Bone is to Body.
 

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Hello,

I believe that DP/DR is a dislocation of Consciousness. Just as a physical bone may become dislocated, e.g. dislocated knee. And so it may be possible to relocate.

There are a number of problems we face with this. One is that nobody can see this. It's like as if life were a marathon race, and we have a dislocated knee, yet nobody can tell, and wonders why we aren't running. Then we have to try our best to limp on forward in life in extreme pain and nobody can help us but ourselves.

Secondly, Scientists are currently still debating whether or not Consciousness even exists or not. But I believe one day that Science can potentially figure it out and discover/detect and work with Consciousness itself. Then they could possibly develop a technology to manipulate Consciousness. At that point, DP/DR would be a simple visit to the doctor, and they'd use their machines and snap us back into place.

But that is not currently the case. Consciousness and the Self being central to our being, makes our case like trying to operate on our own broken hand, using that broken hand to operate with, and not knowing or having been schooled on how to perform surgery. We are in the Dark Ages of DP/DR Research and Understanding.

But there is hope. People do recover after all. I've always believed that if we only knew the way, then it would be quite easy. The major problem is not knowing what this is, not having any answers to the ten thousand questions we have. But I maintain my belief, DP/DR is a matter of Consciousness, and more specifically a dislocation of Consciousness.

One last thing I'd like to share that I believe: Consciousness is to Mind as Bone is to Body.
Strangely reassuring, going to start meditating again. When I tried in the toilets at work the other day for the first time in ages. It felt like I couldn't see through my mind, like there was a wall blocking me from connecting. Tried for a bit and felt less of a space around me, when I was dissociating before October i would breath close my eyes and reconnect myself, Its almost as if something was connecting in my mind and I could feel it.

Right now it feels like that connection had severed and its covered in layers of shit because i let myself dissociate and thoughts go

Hopefully I can clear my mind I re connect.
Hello,

I believe that DP/DR is a dislocation of Consciousness. Just as a physical bone may become dislocated, e.g. dislocated knee. And so it may be possible to relocate.

There are a number of problems we face with this. One is that nobody can see this. It's like as if life were a marathon race, and we have a dislocated knee, yet nobody can tell, and wonders why we aren't running. Then we have to try our best to limp on forward in life in extreme pain and nobody can help us but ourselves.

Secondly, Scientists are currently still debating whether or not Consciousness even exists or not. But I believe one day that Science can potentially figure it out and discover/detect and work with Consciousness itself. Then they could possibly develop a technology to manipulate Consciousness. At that point, DP/DR would be a simple visit to the doctor, and they'd use their machines and snap us back into place.

But that is not currently the case. Consciousness and the Self being central to our being, makes our case like trying to operate on our own broken hand, using that broken hand to operate with, and not knowing or having been schooled on how to perform surgery. We are in the Dark Ages of DP/DR Research and Understanding.

But there is hope. People do recover after all. I've always believed that if we only knew the way, then it would be quite easy. The major problem is not knowing what this is, not having any answers to the ten thousand questions we have. But I maintain my belief, DP/DR is a matter of Consciousness, and more specifically a dislocation of Consciousness.

One last thing I'd like to share that I believe: Consciousness is to Mind as Bone is to Body.
 

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Do you meditate on the breath? I am trying meditation again. Just watching the most subtle changes in the nose/belly of the whole breath moving.

On the consciousness thing, I feel as though consciousness itself is more limited. Due to stress perhaps. Maybe we regress through anxiety/fear and the higher parts of our evolved brain begin to shut down.

Depth perception, our sense of self, emotion... even understanding the human voice is difficult for me in a busy room. Deciphering whats being said takes real effort. It should be effortless, but since this its a chore

Maybe meditation will be something to help increase our consciousness/awareness in some way. Hopefully
 
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