[Keep The Faith]

Hello. Where do I even start? I don't know. My post might seem triggering to some, becasue I'm having a lot of suicidal thoughts and wishes. I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm not sure if I have depersonalization or anedonia, or both, or neither. First off, I'm only 16 years old, turning 17 in a few months. Basically, I feel like I'm outside of my body SOMETIMES. A lot of times, but not necessarily all the time? I guess I have this floating feeling almost all the time though? Idk. Derealization is there too but I don't really mind it.

When I do experience this out-of-body feeling, I'd described it in my writing as:

"I don't feel like I'm real. My body feels like it's made of paper or a translucent sheet. It feels hollow, empty, weightless, but most importantly nonexistent. My surroundings and the entire world around me feel 2-D and fake. The things that are even right in front of me feel like they're a million miles away, like they will never be able to be in my reach in order for me to be able to touch them, even when the object is right in front of my face.

My head is a balloon floating around in space. My arms and legs do not feel like they are apart of my body. I live in a movie, a fake world."

But these feelings don't even bother me really, not when this other problem that I have is much more disturbing and makes life a literal living hell. I have completely lost the ability to feel emotion. Like totally, 100%. I haven't felt any emotion for nearly 5 months now, since I woke up one morning in late December, pretty sure it was December 28th, and I was numb. Nothing. I had a 5-6 month period of complex, slowly accumulating major trauma before this happened and the traumas that caused this are still ongoing and they are not things that I can do anything about. I know numbness can be a response to trauma, but I literally cannot feel AT ALL and it's been 5 months and every second I'm conscious, I feel like I died and am the living dead, or I died and I'm in hell. I have completely lost my identity. My personality. A sense of being something. Now I am nothing at all. I have no emotions at all, not to anything, not at any given point in time. No connection to other human beings, unable to formulate the bond of friendship or any type of relationship, I do not feel anything with animals, my family, my past, myself. Nothing.

If this sounds like a living hell that you are unable to even fathom, then you are probably correct. A puppy feels no different to me than a lamp does. A gun could be pressed up on my head with the trigger set to be pulled, my life about to be over, and I wouldn't be able to feel any anxiety or fear, fight or flight symptoms would not be there. I don't have fight or flight symptoms when presented with danger. Something must be biologically wrong with me, but doctors can't figure out what. I'm just too damaged from intense suffering everyday for a long period of time, and even years before that, since I was 12 really, and now my brain is completely shut down and I can't turn it back on no matter what I do. It's simply nothing, it's a complete mental and emotional shutdown of the mind. I can't even distract myself from it by being entertained by anything. I can't have any interest in a conversation, can't get into a book, can't feel a sense of enjoyment or anything when I listen to music even. A constant eternal boredom that cannot be filled, my body is like a plastic bag with a hole at the top and a hole at the bottom, where anything that goes inside of me, any stimulus, anything at all, just falls right back out. There is no relief, almost never. It's constantly like this everyday all the time, every second of every minute of every hour. Blankness. Emptiness. Nothingness. No emotion. No connection. But most people I've talked to who have depersonalization-derealization disorder, what my symptoms most closely resemble (I think?), aren't completely without emotion like what I have. And that worries me even more. I can't find anyone like me, everyone thinks I'm crazy and no one can help. My therapist knows nothing. No one knows anything about this. No 16 year old should be walking around with no emotion, no ability to feel guilt or remorse if I murdered a bunch of babies even maybe, idk how far this numbness goes. It's so crazy because I was a HSP, a highly sensitive person before, I used to feel so much and it was bad and now I'm the complete opposite and it's worse. It's not sociopathy becasue sociopaths can still feel certain emotions. I don't even feel desire or passion or anything, I have no purpose, no goals, becasue I can't feel the feelings needed for that. I think I am an extreme mental case above the normal mental health problems that people face and are familiar with. I am living in hell. This state of dissociation and disconnection actually feels like I'm already dead, I'm literally the living dead. A robot. A functioning body with a thinking mind, but numb to absolutely any emotion at all. ANY EMOTION AT ALL, NOT NUMBNESS FROM DEPRESSION.
I can't stand talking to my friends everyday. I can't keep bearing to hear about their normal lives and I hate that they can feel emotion but I can't (but I don't actually feel hate on an emotional level, it's just more of a constant feeling of suffering that's not actually an emotion). I don't even want to talk to anyone anymore, it's too hard.
An existence like this is not worth living with for years and years, if that's to be the case. If you don't agree with this statement, you don't understand.
I can't take another day of this, not even another hour of this. If I'm not able to feel any emotion still in a few years, I'm surely going to kill myself, no one can live like this, I feel NOTHING. I can't find a term for this either. Anedonia doesn't even fit this, becasue most people with it say they can still feel negative emotions like sadness and anger. I simply feel none.

Someone please help. I have no hope. I watched a puppy almost get hit with a car today and I didn't feel anything. No empathy, no anything. I don't even feel things like "ugh it's Monday" or any sort of mood. I don't even have feelings like "I'd rather eat pizza than a burger." I have no mood. Just flat. Neutral. Nothing. Numb. Empty. Robot. I've become an actual human robot after such intense cumulative trauma over years, after once being a vibrant and intensely emotional child. I mean, I don't even have sexuality or a gender anymore, I can't feel a sense of gender. Or a sense of being human, period. I feel nothing. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing Nothing. I'm getting professional help, but NO therapist knows what to do. I'm better off dead, idk. Someone? Anyone? Anyone have the same thing? Is this normal with depersonalization? To be THIS EMOTIONLESS? Or am I some loner mental nut?

 

[Keep The Faith]

33 views and nobody has replied. Ok then peeps...

 

[ThoughtOnFire]

Hey there,

So first of all I'll start off with saying probably the most important insight I have on this. You're not a lost cause and you are not alone. I say this because, yes it's common to feel numb, nothing and no emotions with this. The important thing I will say is this: You obviously deep down feel something. Let me explain. I get it, you feel nothing, and I'm not down playing that, and it does sound horrible. However, you are "upset" by this symptom, it makes you frustrated. Maybe not frustrated emotionally, as you say, but some part of you is pissed off about this way of "living". Yes, I've related to feeling dead, in hell already. The point I'm making is, your condition is obviously fucked up and it bothers you on a certain level. It may not be an emotion that you feel, since you are completely numb. But the fact that you recognize it's dissociation and not normal, shows that you have still some part of you that is deep down or is wanting to feel human again.

Mid to late teenage years are common to develop DP/DR. And it does sound that you have it. The thing is that I've found in this community, is that we all have our own unique version of DP/DR. Some might relate some to some, others to others. Myself, I relate to certain people on a few things, then I relate to another set of people on other things. That's completely common.

I also want to say, you are still very young. I don't want to be that older guy who's like "oh you have your whole life ahead of you". But truth is I am saying that. Even though it may feel you have had a ton of life experience, and I'm not saying or assuming that you haven't, there is still a LOT to do in life and learn. I wish I could say more to help your condition. You mentioned trauma being a factor in your life, and that very likely could have been the trigger for your anhedonia like state. My first suggestion, which you probably already are doing, is see and talk to a therapist. I believe in time you will most more than likely regain your emotional side of life.

 

[Jackk11]

I am exactly the same as you. You are not alone. It probably doesn’t help much to hear this because all we want is to feel like ourselves again. If you search the site you can see what people have done to get better.

 

[NotoriousLiar]

What kind of emotions have the other people with dp/dr you've spoken to been able to feel?

What you explained sounds pretty normal to me with dp/dr.

The only thing I can't remember is not being able to feel guilt or remorse, since it was a pretty long time ago.

But anger, happiness, love, tiredness, hunger, not being able to enjoy music, even that thing about animals getting killed or hurt.

I even started watching gory videos with people committing suicide or being in really bad accidents when I was at my worst, just to try to feel something. Even though I know it's not the same as witnessing something like that in real life.

 

[Keep The Faith]

What kind of emotions have the other people with dp/dr you've spoken to been able to feel?

What you explained sounds pretty normal to me with dp/dr.

The only thing I can't remember is not being able to feel guilt or remorse, since it was a pretty long time ago.

But anger, happiness, love, tiredness, hunger, not being able to enjoy music, even that thing about animals getting killed or hurt.

I even started watching gory videos with people committing suicide or being in really bad accidents when I was at my worst, just to try to feel something. Even though I know it's not the same as witnessing something like that in real life.

I can't even feel guilt or remorse. I'm basically a sociopath now somehow, but even sociopaths have certain emotions, so I'm not a sociopath...

Most of the time I don't even feel derealized or anything, I just lost all my emotion. In December 2018, I was an emotional crybaby, it would take me forever to try to write out everything that I was going through. Since it's been 5 full months without emotion, I think it's permanent, idk. It's so bad that I was like 3 inches from a moving car and didn't even feel anything, I had no fight or flight symptoms. I'm invincible to danger and emotion. What happened to me wasn't even that bad, but I guess it was bad enough to me, because now I am someone who could go on a murdering spree and not feel anything, after being someone who would go to the bathroom and cry if I forget to complete a homework assignment. I don't even feel anything. Who am I? My own name doesn't even register as familiar to me.

It started in late December, I just woke up one day and didn't feel emotion anymore, could no longer have the ability to have anxiety or fight or flight energy in the presence of danger, I can't even be emotionally stressed about being dissociated. It's like I am an animal in the wild who is on the ground, about to be eaten by a mob of lions, and my mind needs to be 1000000000% shut off from emotion. Except..........nothing that bad has happened or is still happening. But this won't go away. I can't dress myself, feed myself, shower, complete school, or do absolutely anything becasue I have no feeling that tells me to do these things. I don't have a "person." If you asked me if I preferred yellow or purple, I couldn't tell you. I don't want to live like this or be here anymore. I told my parents I'm suicidal, so they are freaking out, but I have no ability to emotionally understand why they feel "anger" or "fear." My only possible enjoyment out of life is food. What is happening to me? Is this a permanent adaptation from being an emotionally sensitive child who had to face years of emotional interpersonnel pain? Every second that I'm conscious, I pray for death. I know no one here has the answers for me or can help me but I just don't know what to do. I have a therapist but it's not helpful becasue no matter how much I go into the trauma with her, I can't feel any sense of emotion. I must have a brain disease. All I know is that if I'm still unable to feel any emotion at all whatsoever in a year, I'm going to be dead, most likely, I cannot deal with this. I want my life back, myself back.

And to answer your question, most people with depersonalization have told me that they can still feel anxiety, fear, panic, worry, they can cry. The only thing I have are intellectual thoughts.

 

[Jackk11]

I can't even feel guilt or remorse. I'm basically a sociopath now somehow, but even sociopaths have certain emotions, so I'm not a sociopath...
Most of the time I don't even feel derealized or anything, I just lost all my emotion. In December 2018, I was an emotional crybaby, it would take me forever to try to write out everything that I was going through. Since it's been 5 full months without emotion, I think it's permanent, idk. It's so bad that I was like 3 inches from a moving car and didn't even feel anything, I had no fight or flight symptoms. I'm invincible to danger and emotion. What happened to me wasn't even that bad, but I guess it was bad enough to me, because now I am someone who could go on a murdering spree and not feel anything, after being someone who would go to the bathroom and cry if I forget to complete a homework assignment. I don't even feel anything. Who am I? My own name doesn't even register as familiar to me.
It started in late December, I just woke up one day and didn't feel emotion anymore, could no longer have the ability to have anxiety or fight or flight energy in the presence of danger, I can't even be emotionally stressed about being dissociated. It's like I am an animal in the wild who is on the ground, about to be eaten by a mob of lions, and my mind needs to be 1000000000% shut off from emotion. Except..........nothing that bad has happened or is still happening. But this won't go away. I can't dress myself, feed myself, shower, complete school, or do absolutely anything becasue I have no feeling that tells me to do these things. I don't have a "person." If you asked me if I preferred yellow or purple, I couldn't tell you. I don't want to live like this or be here anymore. I told my parents I'm suicidal, so they are freaking out, but I have no ability to emotionally understand why they feel "anger" or "fear." My only possible enjoyment out of life is food. What is happening to me? Is this a permanent adaptation from being an emotionally sensitive child who had to face years of emotional interpersonnel pain? Every second that I'm conscious, I pray for death. I know no one here has the answers for me or can help me but I just don't know what to do. I have a therapist but it's not helpful becasue no matter how much I go into the trauma with her, I can't feel any sense of emotion. I must have a brain disease. All I know is that if I'm still unable to feel any emotion at all whatsoever in a year, I'm going to be dead, most likely, I cannot deal with this. I want my life back, myself back.
And to answer your question, most people with depersonalization have told me that they can still feel anxiety, fear, panic, worry, they can cry. The only thing I have are intellectual thoughts.

I have been very similar to you for about a year now. Time feels like it is flying before my eyes Bc I haven't been engaged in anything since. I'm still alive though. I've somewhat adapted to it. I live completely normally, and I just await trying different treatments for myself. Don't set limits on anything. Maybe try meds, or neuromodulation. Just don't give up.

Edit: look at this https://www.dpselfhelp.com/forum/index.php?/topic/91168-tms-transcranial-magnetic-stimulation/?fromsearch=1

 

[Keep The Faith]

I have been very similar to you for about a year now. Time feels like it is flying before my eyes Bc I haven't been engaged in anything since. I'm still alive though. I've somewhat adapted to it. I live completely normally, and I just await trying different treatments for myself. Don't set limits on anything. Maybe try meds, or neuromodulation. Just don't give up.

Edit: look at this https://www.dpselfhelp.com/forum/index.php?/topic/91168-tms-transcranial-magnetic-stimulation/?fromsearch=1

Thank you, but I'm not strong like you. I can't tolerate this. I'm suicidal everyday. I will not go beyond 6 months of this, I can't. It's mental torture. And I can't even scream or anything because I don't feel anything. And I have a disease that basically keeps me home-bound for LIFE, in which there is no medical treatment for, it's called Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, it's the main trauma that caused this in the first place. My health insurance and doctors suck. Everyone hates me becasue I am not a human anymore, no one believes that you can completely lose emotion. I don't even talk becasue I have no opinions on things. I shouldn't be on here, I should probably be talking to a suicide hotline. I'm not dealing with this for more than a year at the very least, I can't and I refuse. I stay in bed all day. There is no purpose or motivation for life.

 

[Jackk11]

Thank you, but I'm not strong like you. I can't tolerate this. I'm suicidal everyday. I will not go beyond 6 months of this, I can't. It's mental torture. And I can't even scream or anything because I don't feel anything. And I have a disease that basically keeps me home-bound for LIFE, in which there is no medical treatment for, it's called Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, it's the main trauma that caused this in the first place. My health insurance and doctors suck. Everyone hates me becasue I am not a human anymore, no one believes that you can completely lose emotion. I don't even talk becasue I have no opinions on things. I shouldn't be on here, I should probably be talking to a suicide hotline. I'm not dealing with this for more than a year at the very least, I can't and I refuse. I stay in bed all day. There is no purpose or motivation for life.

I understand but if there is something that can AT THE VERY LEAST help, don't you think you should try? I'm sorry you're suffering. But try and get help.

 

[forestx5]

Be thankful you don' feel guilt. I lost my emotions once, but just the positive ones. I was left with overwhelming guilt. I lost my spirituality also. Never really got that back, though I did recover some emotions over a very long period of time. My guilt was accompanied by a profound sense of hopelessness.

I didn't want to believe these emotions, but they were so powerful that they presented as the truth. I ignored them as a survival mechanism and later learned and recognized my guilt as an irrational component of a major depressive disorder. I could have fooled me.

So, why wait 40 years like I did before asking for an EEG. My EEG told my story. If yours is normal, you still have learned something. If it is abnormal, then you have a starting point for a diagnosis and treatment. Good luck!

 

[Keep The Faith]

Be thankful you don' feel guilt. I lost my emotions once, but just the positive ones. I was left with overwhelming guilt. I lost my spirituality also. Never really got that back, though I did recover some emotions over a very long period of time. My guilt was accompanied by a profound sense of hopelessness.

I didn't want to believe these emotions, but they were so powerful that they presented as the truth. I ignored them as a survival mechanism and later learned and recognized my guilt as an irrational component of a major depressive disorder. I could have fooled me.

So, why wait 40 years like I did before asking for an EEG. My EEG told my story. If yours is normal, you still have learned something. If it is abnormal, then you have a starting point for a diagnosis and treatment. Good luck!

Hello, thank you for responding to me. I'm not thankful I don't feel guilt, I would literally do anything to feel SOMETHING, ANY EMOTION, over this. I don't just not feel positive emotion, I can't feel negative emotion either, or any sense of familiarity or connection to anything or anyone. I cannot feel anything at all. I know guilt feels like shit, but no matter what, it is better to have emotional ability and to feel than not, even when bad feelings are too overwhelming :/ I'll take emotional traumatic pain every second of my life than being a complete emotionless robot at 16 years old. Agree to disagree?

I'm glad you were able to recover some of your emotions back. Were you ever completely without any emotion at all, like I am now? How long did it take you to start feeling something? Was it simply time that helped or did you do more? Was it receiving treatment for abnormal EEG results that helped you restore emotion?

Also, I had a sleep study done at the begging of January to see if I had a sleep disorder causing my chronic fatigue, about 2 weeks after I suddenly became emotionally numb. Don't you get an EEG during a sleep study and that's why you have 20 wires on your head? If so, then all my results were normal....

 

[forestx5]

I lost positive emotions after a severe epileptic event. I endured about 30 epileptic discharges in a period of 3 minutes. I could feel the tensing as my neurons polarized. Every 5 seconds, the tensing exploded in a discharge. After 3 minutes, I was fried. 40 years after this event, I discovered an explanation in a British Neurological Journal.

The journal wrote of a rare and difficult to diagnose epileptic syndrome which described my experience in every unique and odd detail. I was a worst case scenario because my "post ictal psychosis segued into an affective disorder". The seizures gave me a major depressive disorder which would reoccur about every 8 to 10 years throughout my life.

Or, about every time I had worked so hard to distance myself from my last episode, I would have another. 6 months down, and 18 months fighting to get back up. Lose 30 lbs, go sleepless for weeks and weeks. Interesting that you mention the sleep study. I had a sleep study done and apparently it was only concerned with sleep apnea.

It made no mention of temporal lobe pathology or epilepsy. Following my discovery in the British Neuro Journal, I had an epileptic specialist give me the EEG and my history of epileptic seizure and pathology in my temporal lobe was obvious to her. Based on that, I would say my sleep study was no substitute for an EEG evaluating epileptic activity.

Yes, I disagree. Having no emotions is like going from 100 to zero. Having no emotions with irrational guilt and hopelessness is like going from 100 to negative 50. That is 50 more points in the wrong direction. I did recover from the negative emotions, before I began to experience positive emotions again, so I guess I passed through zero

on my way up which means there was a period when I had no emotions at all. I think I am a bit eccentric because of that experience. I had only my intellect by which to operate. I suppose I was a bit "spock" like.

My temporal lobe is still a bit confused. I can tear up talking about something emotional, but I don't really feel the emotions. The brain is strange.

 

[NotoriousLiar]

I can't even feel guilt or remorse. I'm basically a sociopath now somehow, but even sociopaths have certain emotions, so I'm not a sociopath...

Most of the time I don't even feel derealized or anything, I just lost all my emotion. In December 2018, I was an emotional crybaby, it would take me forever to try to write out everything that I was going through. Since it's been 5 full months without emotion, I think it's permanent, idk. It's so bad that I was like 3 inches from a moving car and didn't even feel anything, I had no fight or flight symptoms. I'm invincible to danger and emotion. What happened to me wasn't even that bad, but I guess it was bad enough to me, because now I am someone who could go on a murdering spree and not feel anything, after being someone who would go to the bathroom and cry if I forget to complete a homework assignment. I don't even feel anything. Who am I? My own name doesn't even register as familiar to me.

It started in late December, I just woke up one day and didn't feel emotion anymore, could no longer have the ability to have anxiety or fight or flight energy in the presence of danger, I can't even be emotionally stressed about being dissociated. It's like I am an animal in the wild who is on the ground, about to be eaten by a mob of lions, and my mind needs to be 1000000000% shut off from emotion. Except..........nothing that bad has happened or is still happening. But this won't go away. I can't dress myself, feed myself, shower, complete school, or do absolutely anything becasue I have no feeling that tells me to do these things. I don't have a "person." If you asked me if I preferred yellow or purple, I couldn't tell you. I don't want to live like this or be here anymore. I told my parents I'm suicidal, so they are freaking out, but I have no ability to emotionally understand why they feel "anger" or "fear." My only possible enjoyment out of life is food. What is happening to me? Is this a permanent adaptation from being an emotionally sensitive child who had to face years of emotional interpersonnel pain? Every second that I'm conscious, I pray for death. I know no one here has the answers for me or can help me but I just don't know what to do. I have a therapist but it's not helpful becasue no matter how much I go into the trauma with her, I can't feel any sense of emotion. I must have a brain disease. All I know is that if I'm still unable to feel any emotion at all whatsoever in a year, I'm going to be dead, most likely, I cannot deal with this. I want my life back, myself back.

And to answer your question, most people with depersonalization have told me that they can still feel anxiety, fear, panic, worry, they can cry. The only thing I have are intellectual thoughts.

Like you mentioned, you seem like a very emotional and sensitive person, it makes sense that your brain just decided to shut off.

I'm sure you do suffer from dp/dr, all your symptoms sound exactly like dp/dr. No doubt that you also have lack of emotions from it, but it doesn't mean it can't also be anhedonia or something else.

The sad part is that 5 months is not a very long time even though it feels like forever when dealing with something like this. You have to give it time, but also make sure there isn't something serious going on.

I know everyone is different and don't have the exact same symptoms, but I couldn't feel any of those emotions with severe dp/dr. I could probably worry, but it would be more like obsessing over what was wrong with me, but without the actual emotion of feeling worried.

"It's mental torture" - Couldn't agree more, I said the exact same thing when I was really bad.

 

[Keep The Faith]

I lost positive emotions after a severe epileptic event. I endured about 30 epileptic discharges in a period of 3 minutes. I could feel the tensing as my neurons polarized. Every 5 seconds, the tensing exploded in a discharge. After 3 minutes, I was fried. 40 years after this event, I discovered an explanation in a British Neurological Journal.

The journal wrote of a rare and difficult to diagnose epileptic syndrome which described my experience in every unique and odd detail. I was a worst case scenario because my "post ictal psychosis segued into an affective disorder". The seizures gave me a major depressive disorder which would reoccur about every 8 to 10 years throughout my life.

Or, about every time I had worked so hard to distance myself from my last episode, I would have another. 6 months down, and 18 months fighting to get back up. Lose 30 lbs, go sleepless for weeks and weeks. Interesting that you mention the sleep study. I had a sleep study done and apparently it was only concerned with sleep apnea.

It made no mention of temporal lobe pathology or epilepsy. Following my discovery in the British Neuro Journal, I had an epileptic specialist give me the EEG and my history of epileptic seizure and pathology in my temporal lobe was obvious to her. Based on that, I would say my sleep study was no substitute for an EEG evaluating epileptic activity.

Yes, I disagree. Having no emotions is like going from 100 to zero. Having no emotions with irrational guilt and hopelessness is like going from 100 to negative 50. That is 50 more points in the wrong direction. I did recover from the negative emotions, before I began to experience positive emotions again, so I guess I passed through zero

on my way up which means there was a period when I had no emotions at all. I think I am a bit eccentric because of that experience. I had only my intellect by which to operate. I suppose I was a bit "spock" like.

My temporal lobe is still a bit confused. I can tear up talking about something emotional, but I don't really feel the emotions. The brain is strange.

Wow, I'm really sorry you had to go through all that. The good thing though is that you've made quite the recovery. I haven't had doctors take me serious for years, no matter who I see (part of the trauma and why I have no emotion now),so I'm not going to be able to get an EEG or anything like that, but I don't think any of that is my problem, I don't know. I became this way after super, super, intense psychological pain for a 6 month period, from July 2018 through December 2018, and then I had years of unresolved childhood trauma that I never worked thorough BEFORE that other 6 month period of accumulative trauma happened. Yikes.I can't help but worry that my brain is permanently changed and damaged after everything that I've had to go through at such a young age. I have absolutely no idea what do to and I can't really get any help besides my counselor, who has absolutely no understanding of any of this. I've ruined by life and it's all my fault. I'm not going to be able to go on like this for more than a year. I've been talking to suicide hotlines non-stop but it doesn't do any good. No matter what, I can't feel emotion.

I had only my intellect by which to operate. I suppose I was a bit "spock" like. -That's exactly how I am now. It's hell.

I can tear up talking about something emotional, but I don't really feel the emotions.-This has happened to me quite a few times as well. Sometimes when I'm talking to my therapist, it's like my subconscious gets triggered by some painful event from the past and my lip might quiver and I might cry a little bit, but I still can't feel any emotion whatsoever on an emotional level! Lately that's been happening less and less though. I'm 100% numb to emotion now. At 16. Great. Just great.

Best wishes to you though, it's amazing that you've been able to recover <3 I can only just sit and hope that my brain will heal on it's own somehow :/

 

[Keep The Faith]

Like you mentioned, you seem like a very emotional and sensitive person, it makes sense that your brain just decided to shut off.

I'm sure you do suffer from dp/dr, all your symptoms sound exactly like dp/dr. No doubt that you also have lack of emotions from it, but it doesn't mean it can't also be anhedonia or something else.

The sad part is that 5 months is not a very long time even though it feels like forever when dealing with something like this. You have to give it time, but also make sure there isn't something serious going on.

I know everyone is different and don't have the exact same symptoms, but I couldn't feel any of those emotions with severe dp/dr. I could probably worry, but it would be more like obsessing over what was wrong with me, but without the actual emotion of feeling worried.

"It's mental torture" - Couldn't agree more, I said the exact same thing when I was really bad.

At this point, I understand all too well what's happened to me and why this has happened. The question is what now? That I don't have the answer to, that is what I'm afraid of, I'm worried that there's nothing that can be done about this. And like you said, I'm not even actually worrying, I'm only "worrying" in terms of thoughts without having the ability to actually feel worried about this emotionally becasue obviously the problem is that I don't have any emotion whatsoever.

I feel more hopeless by the thought of how much I've really changed. When I think of my former self, I was such a kind and caring, compassionate girl who giggled at every little thing, in spite of her depression and pain. I used to dance, I used to sing, I used to laugh, I used to cry, I used to love, I used to have big hopes and dreams, I used to have determination to make it in spite of the odds of having a seriously disabling physical illness and being in extreme poverty, and now I have 100% nothing inside. I don't have a sense of being human, of being anything. Like I legit could be pressed up against the wall of a building in the street and be attacked and robbed, and I would have no emotion or instinct to defend myself, I couldn't feel anxiety or any kind of fear, no emotion or sense that what the person did to me was "wrong." Without emotion, you don't even have a conscience anymore. Like I intellectually still know what's "right" and what's "wrong," but I have no emotional ability to understand why one thing is right and another thing is wrong. This is a nightmare, I can't even have anxiety. My brain and body are totally shut down, out of hope, lying around waiting for those lions to eat me and kill me. I have no idea what I'm supposed to do. It's interesting becasue I was numb all throughout January after suddenly going numb December 28th, and then for some reason, my brain was healing or something after taking a month off, and for about 2 weeks in February, I had emotion again. I was myself again! Maybe not all the way but I could listen to music again. I started listening to a lot of Michael Jackson music becasue I became interested in "Leaving Neverland," and doing research to see if MJ was really a child molester, and while I was listening to his music, I felt sick inside and I felt this sense of guilt, for loving a potential pedophile's music so much and I would just be so guilty. After spending hundreds of hours researching both sides, I objectively concluded that he was innocent, so I started feeling really sad and even almost cried becasue Jackson is being slandered in death after already living a tragic life. Like I lost all emotion, and then I regained enough to feel guilt, have a conscience, cry, be stressed, etc. I also cheated on a math test and felt super guilty about it and was anxious about my teacher finding out. So I'm not a sociopath becasue I had morals a few months ago. Now I just ask "WTF?" Like okay, I went numb for a month, then the numbness just went away on it's own and I seemed to be regaining emotion for 2.5 weeks and then I just became completely emotionless once again out of nowhere, this time without even anxiety or fight or flight symptoms, and it's lasted this time for around 3.5 months now already. What happened? I just think I have no control over this. I just wait all day and stare at a wall and pray in my thoughts that I either won't wake up tomorrow, or by some gracious miracle I'll be able to be a human again and can call my friends and say, "I'm all better now! It's over! I can feel your friendship and love again! Let's hang out!" But no.

Anyway...

Are you better yourself now? Can you feel emotions again? Or at least some? Any sort of joy? Did it just come back with time and hope, did you do something in particular that helped you regain emotion? Any thoughts or help would be appreciated becasue it truly is mental torture and I don't know what to do. I'm talking to suicide hotlines every night. I don't feel like there's hope for me becasue I've reached such a point of pain that I've lost all emotion altogether at 16 years old and I could even die and not feel any fear, I'm in that much of a mental shutdown.

 

[forestx5]

I can only say that over 40 years I looked in so many directions for ansers. I remember thinking I had vestibular inlness. I did the transactional analysis thing. The road less travelled. I looked for ansers everywhere.

Ultimately it was a case history in a British Neurological Journal that matched my experience in every detail that led me to my self diagnosis of epileptic syndrome. I knew I could not be the only human to have experienced what I did, and

to be placed on the trajectory on which I was placed. Someone had the same story as me. I was glad I found it. It makes no difference to them. I have been triaged to psychiatry because they have "bigger fish to fry".

But, I now understand how everything unfolded. I understand my illness and because of that I no longer fear it. I'm in charge of my treatment, and I'm in charge of my illness and my life. It wasn't always that way.

 

[depersonalizationguy]

this is so crazy i am exactly the same I am 16 turning 17 in November, my life long pet just got put down and i felt nothing and i feel like i am autopilot 24/7. originally i thought i was a sociopath or psychopathy till my mom told me her experience with depersonalization. I am so happy right now i thought i was literally crazy thank you i would i like to talk to you about it.

 

[Keep The Faith]

this is so crazy i am exactly the same I am 16 turning 17 in November, my life long pet just got put down and i felt nothing and i feel like i am autopilot 24/7. originally i thought i was a sociopath or psychopathy till my mom told me her experience with depersonalization. I am so happy right now i thought i was literally crazy thank you i would i like to talk to you about it.

Sure thing, I'm surprised and relieved that there's someone else out there my age going through this as well. Except I'm not actually surprised or relieved, I can't feel anything emotionally :0 but you know what I mean. I'll add you as a friend and message you.

 

[NotoriousLiar]

At this point, I understand all too well what's happened to me and why this has happened. The question is what now? That I don't have the answer to, that is what I'm afraid of, I'm worried that there's nothing that can be done about this. And like you said, I'm not even actually worrying, I'm only "worrying" in terms of thoughts without having the ability to actually feel worried about this emotionally becasue obviously the problem is that I don't have any emotion whatsoever.

I feel more hopeless by the thought of how much I've really changed. When I think of my former self, I was such a kind and caring, compassionate girl who giggled at every little thing, in spite of her depression and pain. I used to dance, I used to sing, I used to laugh, I used to cry, I used to love, I used to have big hopes and dreams, I used to have determination to make it in spite of the odds of having a seriously disabling physical illness and being in extreme poverty, and now I have 100% nothing inside. I don't have a sense of being human, of being anything. Like I legit could be pressed up against the wall of a building in the street and be attacked and robbed, and I would have no emotion or instinct to defend myself, I couldn't feel anxiety or any kind of fear, no emotion or sense that what the person did to me was "wrong." Without emotion, you don't even have a conscience anymore. Like I intellectually still know what's "right" and what's "wrong," but I have no emotional ability to understand why one thing is right and another thing is wrong. This is a nightmare, I can't even have anxiety. My brain and body are totally shut down, out of hope, lying around waiting for those lions to eat me and kill me. I have no idea what I'm supposed to do. It's interesting becasue I was numb all throughout January after suddenly going numb December 28th, and then for some reason, my brain was healing or something after taking a month off, and for about 2 weeks in February, I had emotion again. I was myself again! Maybe not all the way but I could listen to music again. I started listening to a lot of Michael Jackson music becasue I became interested in "Leaving Neverland," and doing research to see if MJ was really a child molester, and while I was listening to his music, I felt sick inside and I felt this sense of guilt, for loving a potential pedophile's music so much and I would just be so guilty. After spending hundreds of hours researching both sides, I objectively concluded that he was innocent, so I started feeling really sad and even almost cried becasue Jackson is being slandered in death after already living a tragic life. Like I lost all emotion, and then I regained enough to feel guilt, have a conscience, cry, be stressed, etc. I also cheated on a math test and felt super guilty about it and was anxious about my teacher finding out. So I'm not a sociopath becasue I had morals a few months ago. Now I just ask "WTF?" Like okay, I went numb for a month, then the numbness just went away on it's own and I seemed to be regaining emotion for 2.5 weeks and then I just became completely emotionless once again out of nowhere, this time without even anxiety or fight or flight symptoms, and it's lasted this time for around 3.5 months now already. What happened? I just think I have no control over this. I just wait all day and stare at a wall and pray in my thoughts that I either won't wake up tomorrow, or by some gracious miracle I'll be able to be a human again and can call my friends and say, "I'm all better now! It's over! I can feel your friendship and love again! Let's hang out!" But no.

Anyway...

Are you better yourself now? Can you feel emotions again? Or at least some? Any sort of joy? Did it just come back with time and hope, did you do something in particular that helped you regain emotion? Any thoughts or help would be appreciated becasue it truly is mental torture and I don't know what to do. I'm talking to suicide hotlines every night. I don't feel like there's hope for me becasue I've reached such a point of pain that I've lost all emotion altogether at 16 years old and I could even die and not feel any fear, I'm in that much of a mental shutdown.

If you got some of your emotions back once, don't you think it's possible that it can happen again?

I was a little bit like you the first 11 months of dp. Started with lack of emotions and some other symptoms before it got severe, and sometimes I would get some emotions back for a while every other month or so until it got worse.

I think the main reason my dp/dr got severe was because I started obsessing about who I am, why I couldn't feel anything and other existential questions. I spent every second of the day just questioning everything, but mostly about who I was. Lack of identity has always been the worst symptom for me with dp/dr, even though the other ones are just as bad, that one stands out the most.

I even felt depersonalized in my dreams, so there was no relief at all. I was convinced I would stay that way forever.

I would think the same things as everyone else here, 'mental torture', 'living hell', 'wouldn't wish it upon my worst enemy', 'if this is not getting any better in any way within 6 months, I might start consider suicide'.

I could probably go on forever about it and this would be long as f*ck, so I won't. Anyways, I reached a point where I couldn't take it anymore with the obsessive thoughts and it just stopped. I mean, I couldn't deal with the DP/DR either, but it was exhausting always questioning everything. I had no control over it. After that I could at least control it a little sometimes, and I could get moments where I would feel something. My dp/dr was still really bad, but at least I could feel interested in some things and get some relief from it. After that I was able to distract myself from it, got obsessed with playing The Sims 3 and had a family of 8 sims just to keep myself distracted enough.

I'm not fully recovered, but my dp/dr is really mild at this point. And yes, I can feel emotions again, even though deep emotions can be harder to access. I still don't have the sense of self though, but I've learned not to constantly obsess over it.

I think you're doing the right thing trying to deal with the trauma, but it might take some time before you're ready to deal with it. And whatever you do, try to not obsess over it too much, even though it's hard not to. You probably can't feel that it's affecting you in a negative way right now due to your lack of emotions, but obsessive thinking will only fuel your stress and anxiety further and make things worse for you. This is what people on this forum call acceptance.

And whenever you get some of those moments back where you're able to feel emotions again, don't come back to this site, don't think about dp/dr, just try your best to stay positive, distract yourself and try to live your life like you would before this happened. If you still want to visit this site, then stick to the recovery section.

It's hard to give advice like "stay calm and keep stress/anxiety low" to someone who's not able to feel they're anxious or stressed out, but I think that's one of the most important things when dealing with this.

 

[Keep The Faith]

If you got some of your emotions back once, don't you think it's possible that it can happen again?

I was a little bit like you the first 11 months of dp. Started with lack of emotions and some other symptoms before it got severe, and sometimes I would get some emotions back for a while every other month or so until it got worse.

I think the main reason my dp/dr got severe was because I started obsessing about who I am, why I couldn't feel anything and other existential questions. I spent every second of the day just questioning everything, but mostly about who I was. Lack of identity has always been the worst symptom for me with dp/dr, even though the other ones are just as bad, that one stands out the most.

I even felt depersonalized in my dreams, so there was no relief at all. I was convinced I would stay that way forever.

I would think the same things as everyone else here, 'mental torture', 'living hell', 'wouldn't wish it upon my worst enemy', 'if this is not getting any better in any way within 6 months, I might start consider suicide'.

I could probably go on forever about it and this would be long as f*ck, so I won't. Anyways, I reached a point where I couldn't take it anymore with the obsessive thoughts and it just stopped. I mean, I couldn't deal with the DP/DR either, but it was exhausting always questioning everything. I had no control over it. After that I could at least control it a little sometimes, and I could get moments where I would feel something. My dp/dr was still really bad, but at least I could feel interested in some things and get some relief from it. After that I was able to distract myself from it, got obsessed with playing The Sims 3 and had a family of 8 sims just to keep myself distracted enough.

I'm not fully recovered, but my dp/dr is really mild at this point. And yes, I can feel emotions again, even though deep emotions can be harder to access. I still don't have the sense of self though, but I've learned not to constantly obsess over it.

I think you're doing the right thing trying to deal with the trauma, but it might take some time before you're ready to deal with it. And whatever you do, try to not obsess over it too much, even though it's hard not to. You probably can't feel that it's affecting you in a negative way right now due to your lack of emotions, but obsessive thinking will only fuel your stress and anxiety further and make things worse for you. This is what people on this forum call acceptance.

And whenever you get some of those moments back where you're able to feel emotions again, don't come back to this site, don't think about dp/dr, just try your best to stay positive, distract yourself and try to live your life like you would before this happened. If you still want to visit this site, then stick to the recovery section.

It's hard to give advice like "stay calm and keep stress/anxiety low" to someone who's not able to feel they're anxious or stressed out, but I think that's one of the most important things when dealing with this.

Thank you for your advice and help, and for sharing your experience with me and talking with me :/ You're very brave and strong and I hope you can keep powering through, you've made it this far and I know you can. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy either. And I can't even have enemies becasue I can't feel hate or any emotion to have enemies xD

It really doesn't help that I have no support system whatsoever besides people on the internet. My doctor has me on ADHD medication becasue she thinks it's just anxiety, which if you're psychologically traumatized and can't feel emotions anymore and can't even have fight or flight symptoms, why the f*ck would you take drugs that calm the body even more? I wonder if it's the meds that made me worse and completely emotionless again. My mom won't let me stop taking them though becasue "The doctor has the medical degree." Yeah well the doctor has no clue what depersonalization even is.

I don't even have any existential questions or obsessions to be honest, I just can't care? Idk that's just my individual experience. I just kind of accept that I exist in hell right now and don't think much of it.

I can't feel stress at all, and I never thought I would say something like this, but I wish I could feel stress. My heart rate seems to be really really low and almost absent a lot of the time, it's concerning to me without me feeling concerned, idk. I guess low cortisol and slower heart rate and blood pressure are symptoms of the freeze response, what I'm clearly in right now from Complex PTSD. It just really really sucks. I can't get away from fighting family members, I can't get away from my father dying of cancer, I can't get away from the illness I'm going to have my whole life that makes me so fatigued that I used to cry just having to take a shower, I can't get away from the extreme poverty and worries about money, I can't get away from all the trauma that caused this (there's so much of it that I can't even write about it because where do I start?), so I don't know if I can feel again. A safe, stress-free environment seems like the first thing one needs to possibly find improvement, but I unfortunately can't really create a safe environment to feel again becasue of my family. Ugh.

I'm glad you got your emotions back, even though you're still struggling with finding a sense of self. I believe that if you've started to heal and feel emotions already, you can certainly continue to heal and eventually get back into your sense of self. If you originally developed depersonalization becasue of trauma, I hope you can work through your past as well. I would do anything to feel a little bit of interest in something like you can. I still do things but it's so boring and I can't feel anything. I don't play Sims, but I have been playing games that I have to non-stop focus on to distract myself, like Flappy Bird lol.

And you're right that if I got emotion back before, then I can probably get it back again. I feel like the dissociation is worse this time though and it's lasted longer this time with no relief. Before, back in January, I used to be able to feel a little anxiety with it and stuff, but now I'm completely numb and frozen, possibly due to the medication or/and becasue I got extremely emotionally overwhelmed again when I had feelings back for 2 weeks in February.

I don't like being able to look at my dog, an animal that I've had and loved since I was 8, for almost 9 years now, an animal I started crying over in November becasue I realized that he's old and has a lot of health problems, and not be able to feel anything for him whatsoever and then not even feeling guilty becasue I can't experience guilt. It really is pure torture. I can't feel the pain emotionally anymore, but today my chest has been tight and burning. Like my heart just is so damaged from years of loneliness and emotional abuse and neglect.

Someone once told me that "Numbness is the highest level of pain possible." As paradoxical as it sounds, it's very true and actually makes a lot of sense. I've told myself that if make it through this and start to feel emotions again, I'll dedicate the rest of my life to helping and being there for others who were in my terrifying situation. That's become the thought in my head that keeps me going. I'm not giving up yet and I don't want to, but I'm not sure what's going to happen.