Hello, I've been feeling really weird lately. I've been reading about depersonalization and derealization and I've related to most of it so far..
To start off, I'm 15 years old and I come from Slovakia. I've never really had any issues with anxiety or depression. I'm actually a Christian and I'm a happy person with a lovely family and friends. I love my life.
Three days ago, I have experienced, out of nowhere - when I was in school, some flashes before my eyes. It wouldn't go away for like 5 - 10 minutes, I can't remember exactly how long it took. Before then, I've been having a normal day. This wasn't a migraine as I suffer from, because it wasn't like that and it was in the center of my vision. An hour or half an hour after this has happened, I suddenly felt disconnected from my body. I was in class, doing work on a computer. It was a strange feeling, as if I was turned off. I looked at my work and I didn't know how to continue, it didn't look like my work at all! It looked like someone else has written it. It looked like unfamiliar words, like vocabulary I would never use. I felt like I had swapped my work with some smart kid in my class.
I freaked out because of this and luckily this was close to the end of the lesson so after a few minutes I had left the classroom and went to see my best friend, at break time. I told her what had happened and she told me to forget it and that she hopes I'm fine. She laughed it off with me. At first, I thought that this was something wrong with me physically, I thought that I was going to have a stroke or something, that my brain is dead. I literally felt brain-dead. I went to my second lesson and I then tried my best to focus. We were doing simple adding and taking away (I had some maths tuition - It's my weakest subject so I do this in school instead of some other subject in my timetable that week) and I LITERALLY couldn't remember the method, how I did it and what I was doing. I in the end scribbled some numbers down, freaked out again and excused myself to go to reception. I told the lady behind the desk at reception that I wasn't feeling good, that I just felt sick. They let me go home.
By that point of the day I was really scared and I didn't want to stay at school. I was scared that if a teacher would ask me something I would just look at them in a dumb way and wouldn't know how to answer. I just wanted to go home.
In the car with my dad, he had told me it was just 'cause of restlessness. That I was tired, that he zones out sometimes for a few seconds too.
But for me, it was for two hours then. I felt unfamiliar and strange.
My mum told me that maybe I had some issues with my oxygen levels because of my heart problem - I have an issue with my valve and my deoxygenated and oxygenated blood mix. I thought this would be reasonable, that I'd go to the doctors and get checked out.
I didn't want to straight away go to the doctors though, I gave it a days time. I slept and prayed, I prayed to God that I would stop feeling like this and that I'd become better, in His name.. but I woke up feeling the same.
I also have started to wear contact lenses a couple of days ago and I read, after this has happened to me, that they restrict the amount of oxygen able to get into the eye. After reading that I told myself I wouldn't wear them anymore. I also told my parents. (I didn't have them on the day or after the day all of this happened, by the way.)
I thought it would all pass, but unfortunately it didn't. I now, on the third day, still feel really unfamiliar, like it isn't even me. I've lost my focus, I don't feel like myself. I look around and everything seems so slow and foggy. The slightest of sounds scare me and make me jump if they're too loud, and I can't concentrate on anything.. the scariest part is that sometimes I even forget words, I forget mid-sentence what I was going to say, I repeat myself at times and sometimes I forget what I'm doing and what I was going to do. And that is straight away and it takes me long to get the memory back.
This morning, when I was looking in the mirror and getting ready for school I had a thought that some ghost might have possessed me or something else might have taken over my body. That I'm being controlled and it isn't myself.
Then later on in the day I started to feel better and more myself but then at the end of it, including now, it got worse and I feel 'disorientated' again.
I don't know what this and I'm so scared. Because the scariest part of this is that I get thoughts about death, that am I even alive, being dead would be better right now, It's basically the same feeling anyway..
I don't want to lose my life, what I have. I don't want to lose my future and my opportunities. I'm a bright, intelligent happy person. I really don't know where this has come from but I really want it to go away.
I also thought that I might have amnesia, alzheimer's, dementia, a brain tumor or scizophrenia.. I really hope it's none of those.
I want to go visit a doctor but I don't want to worry and scare my parents, I want them to have a normal, happy daughter.
I just really want this feeling of suffocating to go away.. I don't know what to do because I have a feeling it's getting even worse and it's so scary.
And the thing that's most upsetting to me is that why is God not helping me...
To start off, I'm 15 years old and I come from Slovakia. I've never really had any issues with anxiety or depression. I'm actually a Christian and I'm a happy person with a lovely family and friends. I love my life.
Three days ago, I have experienced, out of nowhere - when I was in school, some flashes before my eyes. It wouldn't go away for like 5 - 10 minutes, I can't remember exactly how long it took. Before then, I've been having a normal day. This wasn't a migraine as I suffer from, because it wasn't like that and it was in the center of my vision. An hour or half an hour after this has happened, I suddenly felt disconnected from my body. I was in class, doing work on a computer. It was a strange feeling, as if I was turned off. I looked at my work and I didn't know how to continue, it didn't look like my work at all! It looked like someone else has written it. It looked like unfamiliar words, like vocabulary I would never use. I felt like I had swapped my work with some smart kid in my class.
I freaked out because of this and luckily this was close to the end of the lesson so after a few minutes I had left the classroom and went to see my best friend, at break time. I told her what had happened and she told me to forget it and that she hopes I'm fine. She laughed it off with me. At first, I thought that this was something wrong with me physically, I thought that I was going to have a stroke or something, that my brain is dead. I literally felt brain-dead. I went to my second lesson and I then tried my best to focus. We were doing simple adding and taking away (I had some maths tuition - It's my weakest subject so I do this in school instead of some other subject in my timetable that week) and I LITERALLY couldn't remember the method, how I did it and what I was doing. I in the end scribbled some numbers down, freaked out again and excused myself to go to reception. I told the lady behind the desk at reception that I wasn't feeling good, that I just felt sick. They let me go home.
By that point of the day I was really scared and I didn't want to stay at school. I was scared that if a teacher would ask me something I would just look at them in a dumb way and wouldn't know how to answer. I just wanted to go home.
In the car with my dad, he had told me it was just 'cause of restlessness. That I was tired, that he zones out sometimes for a few seconds too.
But for me, it was for two hours then. I felt unfamiliar and strange.
My mum told me that maybe I had some issues with my oxygen levels because of my heart problem - I have an issue with my valve and my deoxygenated and oxygenated blood mix. I thought this would be reasonable, that I'd go to the doctors and get checked out.
I didn't want to straight away go to the doctors though, I gave it a days time. I slept and prayed, I prayed to God that I would stop feeling like this and that I'd become better, in His name.. but I woke up feeling the same.
I also have started to wear contact lenses a couple of days ago and I read, after this has happened to me, that they restrict the amount of oxygen able to get into the eye. After reading that I told myself I wouldn't wear them anymore. I also told my parents. (I didn't have them on the day or after the day all of this happened, by the way.)
I thought it would all pass, but unfortunately it didn't. I now, on the third day, still feel really unfamiliar, like it isn't even me. I've lost my focus, I don't feel like myself. I look around and everything seems so slow and foggy. The slightest of sounds scare me and make me jump if they're too loud, and I can't concentrate on anything.. the scariest part is that sometimes I even forget words, I forget mid-sentence what I was going to say, I repeat myself at times and sometimes I forget what I'm doing and what I was going to do. And that is straight away and it takes me long to get the memory back.
This morning, when I was looking in the mirror and getting ready for school I had a thought that some ghost might have possessed me or something else might have taken over my body. That I'm being controlled and it isn't myself.
Then later on in the day I started to feel better and more myself but then at the end of it, including now, it got worse and I feel 'disorientated' again.
I don't know what this and I'm so scared. Because the scariest part of this is that I get thoughts about death, that am I even alive, being dead would be better right now, It's basically the same feeling anyway..
I don't want to lose my life, what I have. I don't want to lose my future and my opportunities. I'm a bright, intelligent happy person. I really don't know where this has come from but I really want it to go away.
I also thought that I might have amnesia, alzheimer's, dementia, a brain tumor or scizophrenia.. I really hope it's none of those.
I want to go visit a doctor but I don't want to worry and scare my parents, I want them to have a normal, happy daughter.
I just really want this feeling of suffocating to go away.. I don't know what to do because I have a feeling it's getting even worse and it's so scary.
And the thing that's most upsetting to me is that why is God not helping me...
. Ako sa mas?
