Divulgence of my ongoing experiences and bearing with abuse / disorder-ridden partner
Hello, to all -- I hope I get a chance to become supported, as well as read and hear your stories and situations too; come to support you with my wisdom and experience as well.
In short, I'll post one of my select (and most recent) bad day(s) accounts, which I type up during and afterward, sometimes.
It should speak for itself, and give some idea of the situation / problem I'm dealing with.
Though here are the general, and pertinent over-details:
I'm in a relationship, going on 10 years now. Partner is (semi) dianosed (because no one has had ample time to sufficiently, truly know her ... though their and my ongoing diagnoses range between Dissociative Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, and Narcissistic and Sociopathic disorders or definitely tendencies (also, surrounded by anxiety and depressive symptoms, as well as memory / cognition "leaks" and low tides... and a feeling of depersonalization / derealization on worst days).
Here is the account now: (Forgive some of the brusqueness, or at times hard-to-understand structures, or CAPS... I'm not trying to sound bigger or boisterous, just highlighting with emphasis, as with italics)
If you can stay with it, throughout, you might be able to learn something and really see the depth of what I'm / someone is dealing with:
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Again, another day and night with Girlfriend / Whatever taking over and it going on rampage / dissociation
"My heart hurts..." "I just want to..." and so many others.
"I just wanted to talk with you this morning... I was being LOVING (XD... I could cry, the delusion and sociopathy...) ... I was trying to say something nice for us."
"Why won't you let me say things to you!" "I have the right." "In a relationship..." To another sensible, RIGHT thing I've said: "It doesn't work that way..."
But she's saying these things like a possessed robot; like subverting me, the actual person who knows and understands what it takes to be in a relationship, and I'm demonstrating it in the very moment. Yet I'm being put down and defaced, told in every possible way that somehow I'm the malfunctioning one, I'm the person who isn't doing it right.
Quite honestly: the last few above quotes -- she said them, up to probably fifty times, literally fifty times throughout the day, up until the fight-session in the following morning (I'll get to). So if someone reading this can't quite imagine or hear it verbally, please try. Because I had / and have to listen to this nazi-like torture and abuse in my eardrums, not once twice or six times, as with a normal pissed off person. Fifty, repetitive, robotic, yelling screaming steam-rolling -- not listening to anything I might add of affect with my energy -- times.
I tried to say many times clearly, that this method of engagement is not right; and there is a better way / forum / and time, we should and can have these discussions. But none of that perfectly right, rational logic gets through into her in this state, on this kind of day. It was a bad one.
Now, here are some other examples of abusive, sociopathic things she continued on to desperately say to try and hurt and manipulate me, as the day wore on and other sessions broke out... because she decided to revisit me again and again, as I stayed closed in my room trying to get help online or write (about four times throughout this) and try to "fix it" again...
"Everyone is against you ; on my side..."
"YOU need help (to me, randomly, right after I've just demonstrated how rational and fair I am, as she's still screaming and unable to stop her manic obsessive mode, well into the morning)."
Etc... Oh, here's another good one: "You're OCDing, Steve. You're obsessing. I'm worried. I think I'M going to have to get you help, or call someone."
(Of course, at this point, this is like a child parroting their parent. I've just told her the same thing, and it's true and real when I say it. And then directly after, she starts to threaten me with nonsense like this. Telling me that I'm the one displaying all this stuff???
Quite honestly, if anyone ever reading this can believe me, and you were there, just imagine a man as cartoonishly being good and right, as cartoonish as this girl / monster version of a girl sounds.
I am calm, I am here in my bed still, just as I was hours ago, trying to get much needed rest. When she came back up the stairs again, attempting to fire-start another round with me, in the NEXT MORNING, I again continued to merely ask (or yell, when asking didn't work, and I'm fraying at the nerves) for her / it to stop. Stop. Please... stop. Calm down. Look at yourself. Become aware of what you're doing, how you sound, what you're saying. The manic energy state you're in... wake up, wake up!
If none of those lattr things, then definitely all I'm doing is: "Leave me alone. Just leave me alone. Go away. Go away. Stop this." Etc., but basically, what I stick to is simple. I am not fighting -- repeat I AM NOT THE ONE WHO IS DOING THIS, OR FIGHTING... I am wanting NOT to engage, and when I am forced into engagement, I am trying to dissolve the situation, and trying to at least get the attacker - encroacher to discontinue their ceaseless, relentless, energy-crazed attack onto me.
And seriously I have used or thought the words, parasite... stuck... hooked onto or into me... because that's what it is; that's what it is actually like.
Last thing to mention:
Timeline clarification -- so, there was two or so earlier sessions, with her coming back up and claiming to want "good" again, and then really being beside herself, because she can't do it; and can't simply finish it with me, like "Okay, we're done. I'll go away now, let's end this." I literally coach us to stay on THAT, and say that, and mean that, and then walk with our bodies in that WAY.
She does the opposite, still finding ways to sly back into still repeating, guilting, and saying the same things to me, to no end in sight. And the kicker...? Is, somehow, in the middle of these moments, she STILL is finding ways to say -I'M- BEING wrong, or bad, or abusive, or hurting her, or calling names, etc etc. Or simply continuing to guilt me for "past ones".
Later on, there's another huge breakout / session late into the night. Same exact kind of thing, just gets even more heated. I am at my END; I sincerely am trrying everything short of calling for help to end it. Asking in every way; openly displaying my own jagged pain, crying out... etc... But it goes on way too long and too unfairly / abusively (toward me). By the end, somehow she's calming out of nowhere enough to agree and say it's finally done; it seems like (like it has seemed so many times bfore) that things are finally dust-clearing, and the dragon is going to sleep.
Not so! The very next morning, after a little bit of sleep has been attained... at one moment, I -- feeling all the wounds and unfairness and abuse, and impossibility, and how bad this all is in my life... and I'm scared, and I'm alone, and I have nothing and no one, and I really don't know what I'm going to do, and I have all the right to at least feel and exercise all these feelings...
I cry out, for maybe... twenty seconds if that... "Help, me... Please help me..." to something, someone somewhere, out the window (not really OUT, just AT the closed window)... So I cry this out, sincerely, as victim, and am asking for goodness, not for MORE torture, or for my torturer / hater / abuser to smell this in the air, and utilize it like an evil troll goblin born of evil would do:
Like everything I do like this, even this is fast, it is over, quickly; and I am done. I've already gone back to resting in my bed, closing my eyes and praying... deep breathing...
And she / it comes up the stairs once again. First, calling out with insincere (as everything she does is in these days and states) "care", asking... "Are you okay... Are you okay, you sound blah blah..."
After a few moments of this, instead of just walking away, she gets closer and closer, and more aggressive, as was expected. Never goes the OTHER way. Walking away. Being sane.
And in short; and once again -- as I already detailed enough above, about this morning portion -- she escalates herself, all by herself, and in moments she's now having "beef" with me again, yelling and repeating all the same shit from the whole fuckin' day before, all over again like a sentinel robot, sent to just harass me endlessly and make me hear this annoying and pointedly sociopathic song (directed at me), on loop, over and over. Again to make clear: all I am saying in this part again, is, "stop. Please end this. It is over. Go away." More helpful things like, "Just get some rest. Allow yourself to get past and over this state you are stuck in. You're stuck and repetitive; this has to stop. Girlfriend... are you listening. Are you even there..."
----------------------------------------------
Thank you, if you perused down and stuck with me. I really appreciate your care and understanding.
If you'd like to discuss this in any way / exchange similar understandings, please do so. I'd love to talk.
LITL
In short, I'll post one of my select (and most recent) bad day(s) accounts, which I type up during and afterward, sometimes.
It should speak for itself, and give some idea of the situation / problem I'm dealing with.
Though here are the general, and pertinent over-details:
I'm in a relationship, going on 10 years now. Partner is (semi) dianosed (because no one has had ample time to sufficiently, truly know her ... though their and my ongoing diagnoses range between Dissociative Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, and Narcissistic and Sociopathic disorders or definitely tendencies (also, surrounded by anxiety and depressive symptoms, as well as memory / cognition "leaks" and low tides... and a feeling of depersonalization / derealization on worst days).
Here is the account now: (Forgive some of the brusqueness, or at times hard-to-understand structures, or CAPS... I'm not trying to sound bigger or boisterous, just highlighting with emphasis, as with italics)
If you can stay with it, throughout, you might be able to learn something and really see the depth of what I'm / someone is dealing with:
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Again, another day and night with Girlfriend / Whatever taking over and it going on rampage / dissociation
- So first, a little preamble (as these always go through several days of iteration, and connection regarding the fight topics... things that are brought back or mentioned).
- Camp day a while back. Fight there too. Girlfriend as bad as ever. I am calm, civil, fine. She gets triggered and goes way off. Continues through whole evening, each time she could return or be sensible, come back and make up with me.
- Another few times since then. Going boating, totally blows up at me out of nowhere, still tantruming and going crazy over "little words" that have come up from me, IN the middle of these unfair terrible fights. There's another evening, and another one like this. Not as bad, but somehow telling, because all these events are showing her instability again.
- We'd also had a smaller battle the night before today's event, where instead of finishing it, Girlfriend went off (happened to be bathroom, no one understands but, it dosn't matter. I know her tricks and her games. There are better, easier and more mature normal ways of dealing, finishing things and even announcing how we're going to go do this activity). Anyway, because of yelling back and forth by the door, cops were called and showed up; it was kind of yet another, too neutral, dissatisfying circumstance where nothing smart or knowledgeable is really attained. Girlfriend continues to get away with her clear and almost cocky show of dissociation / going into the other character (s) / it (possession by something very wrong).
- Day after, things cool down, she's in the other / "normal" state now, all calm and polite, "making it up to me"... we even go walking, boating... have a good end to the night.
- To the beginning of this day's event:
- I get up and go for a drive and long walk. It goes well enough, but I am very much feeling the emotions and "spidey sense" going off about everything, and still thinking about what to do in the coming month. Whether anything will work out, or whatever. I am a little bit serious in mood, and all that, but calm and together nonetheless.
- As soon as I get home, I go upstairs and do some counselling / communication help online, which helps enough -- I vent what's been happening, talk about how I feel all the hopelessness, the wrong, the impossibility of my life and situation.
- Funny though, because after getting all that out, and feeling pretty good about my self and the universe, as if I'd done all the right things, and should be looked after in some way. As I even admit and say the kinds of things that happen from this person / thing I'm with, and from the world...
- Directly as I'm saying all this / once I'm finished, Girlfriend comes up and asks seriously, 'if we can talk about things'. I say hold on, because I'm in the middle of typing stuff and speaking to someone.
- But I come downstairs, guarded and prepared enough, though ready anyway. And say as much. I make myself perfectly clear, when she tells me she wants to discuss a few things, that: if it has anything to do with any stupid rehashed things, we've already discussed all the other days - or if I catch wind of any thing that is about judging or whining or asking me of something small I've done in the middle of THESE FIGHTS I CAN"T ESCAPE FROM, then I will walk away immediately.
- I was completely mature, and clear.
- About the very first thing she goes into, after mentioning job possibilities and moving, is right into 'don't want US to hurt EACH OTHER any more, blah...'....
- Ok, I'm done. I say, if you want to talk about those other things, and stop going backwards with OCD into these past days -- telling me about my "problems" because I say one or two not-nice things in the middle of impossible dealings with her problem -- I will stay, or talk then, gladly.
- And... can you guess...?
- No. From here on forth, she has lost it, and starts cry / tamtruming, coming after me up the stairs and yelling, venting and repeating, repeating, repeating, repeating repeating herself over and over again, the same redundant points, the same phrases... stuck on a loop, because... you know, her plan didn't go exactly the way she'd brute forced wanted it to go.
- Despite all of this, clear as day, loud enough for anyone to hear stimuli going through the air, throughout this ongoing tamtrum and robot-glitch, she continues to shout things at me like:
- "You, are the one who is being abusive, and mean. Abusive and mean. Mean to meeee. You are calling me naaames."
- I am calm, holding myself together as much as possible, and asking over and over, intermittently:
- "Please, can we stop this. Please stop. Let's be reasonable. Calm down and then, may.... (oh, was cut off.) Okay, let's jus-... (oops, cut off again. And on and on and on...) If you listen to me, I will begin something positive, and then we ca- (okay, there's no way through this. Impossible)"
- And seriously, throughout the above, she's still ranting on full auto, hyper fast and unreasonable. As if she or IT were going for a world record, of how unfair, crazy, demented, and abusive a woman / person can be against a perfectly sane, being fair and good man / actual person.
- Other examples of her dialogue through these periods are:
"My heart hurts..." "I just want to..." and so many others.
"I just wanted to talk with you this morning... I was being LOVING (XD... I could cry, the delusion and sociopathy...) ... I was trying to say something nice for us."
"Why won't you let me say things to you!" "I have the right." "In a relationship..." To another sensible, RIGHT thing I've said: "It doesn't work that way..."
But she's saying these things like a possessed robot; like subverting me, the actual person who knows and understands what it takes to be in a relationship, and I'm demonstrating it in the very moment. Yet I'm being put down and defaced, told in every possible way that somehow I'm the malfunctioning one, I'm the person who isn't doing it right.
Quite honestly: the last few above quotes -- she said them, up to probably fifty times, literally fifty times throughout the day, up until the fight-session in the following morning (I'll get to). So if someone reading this can't quite imagine or hear it verbally, please try. Because I had / and have to listen to this nazi-like torture and abuse in my eardrums, not once twice or six times, as with a normal pissed off person. Fifty, repetitive, robotic, yelling screaming steam-rolling -- not listening to anything I might add of affect with my energy -- times.
I tried to say many times clearly, that this method of engagement is not right; and there is a better way / forum / and time, we should and can have these discussions. But none of that perfectly right, rational logic gets through into her in this state, on this kind of day. It was a bad one.
Now, here are some other examples of abusive, sociopathic things she continued on to desperately say to try and hurt and manipulate me, as the day wore on and other sessions broke out... because she decided to revisit me again and again, as I stayed closed in my room trying to get help online or write (about four times throughout this) and try to "fix it" again...
"Everyone is against you ; on my side..."
"YOU need help (to me, randomly, right after I've just demonstrated how rational and fair I am, as she's still screaming and unable to stop her manic obsessive mode, well into the morning)."
Etc... Oh, here's another good one: "You're OCDing, Steve. You're obsessing. I'm worried. I think I'M going to have to get you help, or call someone."
(Of course, at this point, this is like a child parroting their parent. I've just told her the same thing, and it's true and real when I say it. And then directly after, she starts to threaten me with nonsense like this. Telling me that I'm the one displaying all this stuff???
Quite honestly, if anyone ever reading this can believe me, and you were there, just imagine a man as cartoonishly being good and right, as cartoonish as this girl / monster version of a girl sounds.
I am calm, I am here in my bed still, just as I was hours ago, trying to get much needed rest. When she came back up the stairs again, attempting to fire-start another round with me, in the NEXT MORNING, I again continued to merely ask (or yell, when asking didn't work, and I'm fraying at the nerves) for her / it to stop. Stop. Please... stop. Calm down. Look at yourself. Become aware of what you're doing, how you sound, what you're saying. The manic energy state you're in... wake up, wake up!
If none of those lattr things, then definitely all I'm doing is: "Leave me alone. Just leave me alone. Go away. Go away. Stop this." Etc., but basically, what I stick to is simple. I am not fighting -- repeat I AM NOT THE ONE WHO IS DOING THIS, OR FIGHTING... I am wanting NOT to engage, and when I am forced into engagement, I am trying to dissolve the situation, and trying to at least get the attacker - encroacher to discontinue their ceaseless, relentless, energy-crazed attack onto me.
And seriously I have used or thought the words, parasite... stuck... hooked onto or into me... because that's what it is; that's what it is actually like.
Last thing to mention:
Timeline clarification -- so, there was two or so earlier sessions, with her coming back up and claiming to want "good" again, and then really being beside herself, because she can't do it; and can't simply finish it with me, like "Okay, we're done. I'll go away now, let's end this." I literally coach us to stay on THAT, and say that, and mean that, and then walk with our bodies in that WAY.
She does the opposite, still finding ways to sly back into still repeating, guilting, and saying the same things to me, to no end in sight. And the kicker...? Is, somehow, in the middle of these moments, she STILL is finding ways to say -I'M- BEING wrong, or bad, or abusive, or hurting her, or calling names, etc etc. Or simply continuing to guilt me for "past ones".
Later on, there's another huge breakout / session late into the night. Same exact kind of thing, just gets even more heated. I am at my END; I sincerely am trrying everything short of calling for help to end it. Asking in every way; openly displaying my own jagged pain, crying out... etc... But it goes on way too long and too unfairly / abusively (toward me). By the end, somehow she's calming out of nowhere enough to agree and say it's finally done; it seems like (like it has seemed so many times bfore) that things are finally dust-clearing, and the dragon is going to sleep.
Not so! The very next morning, after a little bit of sleep has been attained... at one moment, I -- feeling all the wounds and unfairness and abuse, and impossibility, and how bad this all is in my life... and I'm scared, and I'm alone, and I have nothing and no one, and I really don't know what I'm going to do, and I have all the right to at least feel and exercise all these feelings...
I cry out, for maybe... twenty seconds if that... "Help, me... Please help me..." to something, someone somewhere, out the window (not really OUT, just AT the closed window)... So I cry this out, sincerely, as victim, and am asking for goodness, not for MORE torture, or for my torturer / hater / abuser to smell this in the air, and utilize it like an evil troll goblin born of evil would do:
Like everything I do like this, even this is fast, it is over, quickly; and I am done. I've already gone back to resting in my bed, closing my eyes and praying... deep breathing...
And she / it comes up the stairs once again. First, calling out with insincere (as everything she does is in these days and states) "care", asking... "Are you okay... Are you okay, you sound blah blah..."
After a few moments of this, instead of just walking away, she gets closer and closer, and more aggressive, as was expected. Never goes the OTHER way. Walking away. Being sane.
And in short; and once again -- as I already detailed enough above, about this morning portion -- she escalates herself, all by herself, and in moments she's now having "beef" with me again, yelling and repeating all the same shit from the whole fuckin' day before, all over again like a sentinel robot, sent to just harass me endlessly and make me hear this annoying and pointedly sociopathic song (directed at me), on loop, over and over. Again to make clear: all I am saying in this part again, is, "stop. Please end this. It is over. Go away." More helpful things like, "Just get some rest. Allow yourself to get past and over this state you are stuck in. You're stuck and repetitive; this has to stop. Girlfriend... are you listening. Are you even there..."
----------------------------------------------
Thank you, if you perused down and stuck with me. I really appreciate your care and understanding.
If you'd like to discuss this in any way / exchange similar understandings, please do so. I'd love to talk.
LITL
