Warning for this being a very long introduction.
Hi, I go by many names, but I chose Nobody because that's how I currently feel. Like nothing, nobody and an empty shell. I have been in and out of institutions for the first half of my life ( not quite, from 16 to 34) but after realizing that they don't really treat patients anymore ( no real talk therapy, just things to pass time, including doing the dishes, laundry and cleaning....with a few things that work for others but not me like: painting without talking about it and physical exercise. Not saying these things can't be therapeutic, just not working for me.)
Nowadays I just get a shitton of meds, which help me survive but not live.
I have dealt with trauma, sexual, physical and emotional abuse, a near death experience ( drowning) and all that messed me up hard.
Sadly what I need is either trauma therapy or talk therapy but I got rejected from so many therapists due to a diagnosis of a dissociative Disorder, aspects of dissociative Identity Disorder and all mentally illnesses that can come along with this.
And now, after over 20 years of not being treated in a therapeutic way, apart from meds, everything worsened.
My anxiety has grown so big that I barely leave the house ( maybe once every two months) and have become isolated from my family and friends due to not wanting to cause drama. I was always the " designated" patient in the family and my struggle only seemed to cause everyone around me pain. My own mother said once that she can't take my illness. So I retreated. I understand that this decision didn't make my emotional state much better.
After the suicide of my oldest friend I at least managed ( since eight years) not to try to commit suicide again and I stopped all physical self harm and stopped drinking alcohol apart from some rare occasions.
But even with this adjustment, they still refuse to provide therapy due to moral, ethical reasons ( I am not qualified enough, despite their resume saying otherwise) and even insurance reasons, meaning they don't want to do it because they think the risk of something going wrong with me and them fearing to be held responsible is too much.
At this point I have pretty much given up.
I exist, try not to cause trouble and have become a blank personality. I once had dreams, hopes of becoming a writer. I had created my own fantasy world and created a language for it but now everything is gone. Just out of reach. I can't write anymore because my mind is empty and I cannot listen to music anymore because the fact that I don't feel anything while doing so makes me feel even more hollow.
I have no connection to my face in the mirror or my body or even my personality. In my twenties and early thirties I suffered more from DID and switched between lots of alters, according to social setting, fear factor or need. Now it seems, I cannot even hear or connect to them anymore. As of some alter decided it was the safest route to turn me into a zombie to avoid the worst and hide all my Alters in a dimension I cannot reach anymore. Usually it was a big house, where we all lived but now I cannot even imagine the house, or my writing or fantasy world (Guhulia) which gave me comfort in the past.
I know this is a lot of information dumb but I wanted to get it out of the way.
At the moment depression and depersonalization and feeling of unrealness combined with accute sensitive senses and isolation ( Bodering on agoraphobia) are the hardest to deal with.
And I hope I can find people here who deal with similar things to see if we can help each other.