Joined
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2 Posts
Background info:
29M
9 years ago diagnosed with BDD after a stretch of paralyzing depression and self isolation, medicated with SSRIs and CBT which allowed
me to start university.
2 years ago diagnosed with ADD after a lifetime of wondering wtf is wrong with my motivation and energy, put on Lisdexamphetamine with hopes
of kicking me into the same energetic gear my peers seem to possess by default.
Fast forward to 6 months ago:
After a year at my first job after graduation I decided to quit the ADD medication, not only because the work I do is very low pace, but also because
it felt like everything I did was on autopilot. As the medication wore off in the evenings, there would not be any energy left for any sort of productivity
or social activity. This resulted in me coming home, laying down in bed watching youtube or some series with the blinds shut. Same thing applied for
most weekends since I chose not to take the medication then either, in order to not get too resistant, resulting in the same lethargic state.
I felt like this lifestyle was partly because of the medication, and that I wouldn't be able to figure out how to maintain a "normal" life while on it - keep in
mind that at this point, my self-worth and view on life was already low.
The day after I quit the medication, I felt a deep urge for stimulants, which led me to getting a hold of 5g of ketamine and 5g of cannabis. The following month
would be the same as before, but this time I was digging myself deeper into the pit of nothingness. As the drugs ran out, and I smoked my LAST puff of weed, I felt
this extreme sense of agitation and my mind racing like I was going out of my mind. After pacing back and forth, dry heaving over the toilet, and taking a cold shower, I laid
down on my couch to soon fall asleep to the thousand needles attacking my skin. This was my first panic attack.
This would be the initialization of what I believe is what is occurring right now, constant depersonalization. Attempts to go back on SSRIs has been unsuccessful as it seems to worsen my state, and the last attempt was three weeks ago which resulted in me having the most intense panic attack I ever felt. I was so out of it, I slurred my speech talking to my mom on the phone while the world was stomping my brain into mush, and there was nowhere to run. Three weeks have gone by after deciding to never touch that shit again, and each morning I wake up like the day after a drug fused rave, only to slowly creep back to an out of focus, cartoonish "reality", and later in the evening slip into existential dread and a deeper confused state. I am currently on sick leave, and I live at my parents for the moment seeing as a night in my apartment is mental, and what feels like physical, terror. After attempting one night at my apartment, I had a panic attack on the train, which then followed by a continuous panic attack in my apartment until I fell asleep.
I guess my question is, can someone relate to this? Is all depersonalization this intense, or can I somehow work away the panic in order to at least be able to function around people?
29M
9 years ago diagnosed with BDD after a stretch of paralyzing depression and self isolation, medicated with SSRIs and CBT which allowed
me to start university.
2 years ago diagnosed with ADD after a lifetime of wondering wtf is wrong with my motivation and energy, put on Lisdexamphetamine with hopes
of kicking me into the same energetic gear my peers seem to possess by default.
Fast forward to 6 months ago:
After a year at my first job after graduation I decided to quit the ADD medication, not only because the work I do is very low pace, but also because
it felt like everything I did was on autopilot. As the medication wore off in the evenings, there would not be any energy left for any sort of productivity
or social activity. This resulted in me coming home, laying down in bed watching youtube or some series with the blinds shut. Same thing applied for
most weekends since I chose not to take the medication then either, in order to not get too resistant, resulting in the same lethargic state.
I felt like this lifestyle was partly because of the medication, and that I wouldn't be able to figure out how to maintain a "normal" life while on it - keep in
mind that at this point, my self-worth and view on life was already low.
The day after I quit the medication, I felt a deep urge for stimulants, which led me to getting a hold of 5g of ketamine and 5g of cannabis. The following month
would be the same as before, but this time I was digging myself deeper into the pit of nothingness. As the drugs ran out, and I smoked my LAST puff of weed, I felt
this extreme sense of agitation and my mind racing like I was going out of my mind. After pacing back and forth, dry heaving over the toilet, and taking a cold shower, I laid
down on my couch to soon fall asleep to the thousand needles attacking my skin. This was my first panic attack.
This would be the initialization of what I believe is what is occurring right now, constant depersonalization. Attempts to go back on SSRIs has been unsuccessful as it seems to worsen my state, and the last attempt was three weeks ago which resulted in me having the most intense panic attack I ever felt. I was so out of it, I slurred my speech talking to my mom on the phone while the world was stomping my brain into mush, and there was nowhere to run. Three weeks have gone by after deciding to never touch that shit again, and each morning I wake up like the day after a drug fused rave, only to slowly creep back to an out of focus, cartoonish "reality", and later in the evening slip into existential dread and a deeper confused state. I am currently on sick leave, and I live at my parents for the moment seeing as a night in my apartment is mental, and what feels like physical, terror. After attempting one night at my apartment, I had a panic attack on the train, which then followed by a continuous panic attack in my apartment until I fell asleep.
I guess my question is, can someone relate to this? Is all depersonalization this intense, or can I somehow work away the panic in order to at least be able to function around people?
