G
Guest
·Well I will try writing my experience and maybe SOMEbody in the world will see it and be able to relate.
I dissociated from my Self sometime in infancy or before. My psyche could not handle me being fully emotionally self-aware, so it pinched me off from my Self, buried it deep within my subconscious and tried to make me forget it ever existed.
I grew up in a very dysfunctional (but not sexually or physically abusive) family. Because I dissociated so early from my Self, i had no idea anything was wrong with me. In order to keep me from being traumatized by the outside world, my psyche created a person who was completely concocted who could deal with the world around me.
Because I never dealt with my emotions (because I was dissociated from them), I developed hundreds of secondary disorders, from OCD stuff to generalized anxiety to depressions... I grew up a tangled, twisted, profoundly confused person.
As a result of being so dissociated from my self, I grew up almost in a brainwashed state. My psyche was so desperate to keep me from existing (or being emotionally self-aware) that it forced me to adopt the thinking and general life paradigms of the environment around me. I could not handle any form of conflict with the external world, as that could lead to more trauma and pain. So I grew up thinking I was so many things that I am seeing now that I am really not. I was utterly disoriented from my own sensibilties.
Having grown up totally cut off from my real Self caused me to fail to form a proper sense of identity. To this day i have no idea who I am or what I am.
I made progress about 6 years ago when i decided to begin trying to get to the bottom of all the anxiety and depression I was mired in. Over the past 6 years I have discovered that I was living a total lie in every sense, all as a defense mechanism to keep me from being self-aware. For the first time then I was able to connect to my self and actually experience emotions directly, which was the most profound experience of my life. I was not able to maintain that, however, as I have a whole lifetime of unprocessed, often extreme emotions buried in my sub awareness. When my psyche realized I had to process these emotions, it began to systematically force me to dissociate again.
Long story short, I am now once again living in a dissociated state. I have no sense of what i want or how I feel or who I am. My psyche will not let me become self-aware, because to be self-aware emotionally means to have needs and be vulnerable to traumatic shock, which it cannot handle. SO, I am stuck in purgatory and watching impotentntly as my life passes me by without me in it. I feel nothing, I have major anxiety attacks in social situations, my dreams are completely empty, and I constantly feel I am disappearing into nothingness, as my psyche tries to make me less and less self-aware.
The ridiculousness of this is that it is really experience that i cannot put into words, and by trying to verbalize it I am diminishing it's true reality. Simply put, i cannot describe my experience adequately. It's just not possible. and my experience falls so far outside the range of what most people experience that i feel there is not a single person on this planet with whom i can relate.
I have seen upwards of 20 mental health professionals over the years, and have been on an equal number of different meds. I am looking for someone(s) who can relate to what i am experiencing, as I contionue to disappear and my life becomes more and more miserable.
I have a Master's degree in psych and have years and years of therapy and self-help behind me, but still I suffer and no one can seem to help me. I would love to meet somebody who i can relate to, as I am alone and without even Self to live with. Please respond if you can relate!
Ok, I'll stop rambling now. Thanks.
I dissociated from my Self sometime in infancy or before. My psyche could not handle me being fully emotionally self-aware, so it pinched me off from my Self, buried it deep within my subconscious and tried to make me forget it ever existed.
I grew up in a very dysfunctional (but not sexually or physically abusive) family. Because I dissociated so early from my Self, i had no idea anything was wrong with me. In order to keep me from being traumatized by the outside world, my psyche created a person who was completely concocted who could deal with the world around me.
Because I never dealt with my emotions (because I was dissociated from them), I developed hundreds of secondary disorders, from OCD stuff to generalized anxiety to depressions... I grew up a tangled, twisted, profoundly confused person.
As a result of being so dissociated from my self, I grew up almost in a brainwashed state. My psyche was so desperate to keep me from existing (or being emotionally self-aware) that it forced me to adopt the thinking and general life paradigms of the environment around me. I could not handle any form of conflict with the external world, as that could lead to more trauma and pain. So I grew up thinking I was so many things that I am seeing now that I am really not. I was utterly disoriented from my own sensibilties.
Having grown up totally cut off from my real Self caused me to fail to form a proper sense of identity. To this day i have no idea who I am or what I am.
I made progress about 6 years ago when i decided to begin trying to get to the bottom of all the anxiety and depression I was mired in. Over the past 6 years I have discovered that I was living a total lie in every sense, all as a defense mechanism to keep me from being self-aware. For the first time then I was able to connect to my self and actually experience emotions directly, which was the most profound experience of my life. I was not able to maintain that, however, as I have a whole lifetime of unprocessed, often extreme emotions buried in my sub awareness. When my psyche realized I had to process these emotions, it began to systematically force me to dissociate again.
Long story short, I am now once again living in a dissociated state. I have no sense of what i want or how I feel or who I am. My psyche will not let me become self-aware, because to be self-aware emotionally means to have needs and be vulnerable to traumatic shock, which it cannot handle. SO, I am stuck in purgatory and watching impotentntly as my life passes me by without me in it. I feel nothing, I have major anxiety attacks in social situations, my dreams are completely empty, and I constantly feel I am disappearing into nothingness, as my psyche tries to make me less and less self-aware.
The ridiculousness of this is that it is really experience that i cannot put into words, and by trying to verbalize it I am diminishing it's true reality. Simply put, i cannot describe my experience adequately. It's just not possible. and my experience falls so far outside the range of what most people experience that i feel there is not a single person on this planet with whom i can relate.
I have seen upwards of 20 mental health professionals over the years, and have been on an equal number of different meds. I am looking for someone(s) who can relate to what i am experiencing, as I contionue to disappear and my life becomes more and more miserable.
I have a Master's degree in psych and have years and years of therapy and self-help behind me, but still I suffer and no one can seem to help me. I would love to meet somebody who i can relate to, as I am alone and without even Self to live with. Please respond if you can relate!
Ok, I'll stop rambling now. Thanks.
