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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Well I will try writing my experience and maybe SOMEbody in the world will see it and be able to relate.
I dissociated from my Self sometime in infancy or before. My psyche could not handle me being fully emotionally self-aware, so it pinched me off from my Self, buried it deep within my subconscious and tried to make me forget it ever existed.
I grew up in a very dysfunctional (but not sexually or physically abusive) family. Because I dissociated so early from my Self, i had no idea anything was wrong with me. In order to keep me from being traumatized by the outside world, my psyche created a person who was completely concocted who could deal with the world around me.
Because I never dealt with my emotions (because I was dissociated from them), I developed hundreds of secondary disorders, from OCD stuff to generalized anxiety to depressions... I grew up a tangled, twisted, profoundly confused person.
As a result of being so dissociated from my self, I grew up almost in a brainwashed state. My psyche was so desperate to keep me from existing (or being emotionally self-aware) that it forced me to adopt the thinking and general life paradigms of the environment around me. I could not handle any form of conflict with the external world, as that could lead to more trauma and pain. So I grew up thinking I was so many things that I am seeing now that I am really not. I was utterly disoriented from my own sensibilties.
Having grown up totally cut off from my real Self caused me to fail to form a proper sense of identity. To this day i have no idea who I am or what I am.
I made progress about 6 years ago when i decided to begin trying to get to the bottom of all the anxiety and depression I was mired in. Over the past 6 years I have discovered that I was living a total lie in every sense, all as a defense mechanism to keep me from being self-aware. For the first time then I was able to connect to my self and actually experience emotions directly, which was the most profound experience of my life. I was not able to maintain that, however, as I have a whole lifetime of unprocessed, often extreme emotions buried in my sub awareness. When my psyche realized I had to process these emotions, it began to systematically force me to dissociate again.
Long story short, I am now once again living in a dissociated state. I have no sense of what i want or how I feel or who I am. My psyche will not let me become self-aware, because to be self-aware emotionally means to have needs and be vulnerable to traumatic shock, which it cannot handle. SO, I am stuck in purgatory and watching impotentntly as my life passes me by without me in it. I feel nothing, I have major anxiety attacks in social situations, my dreams are completely empty, and I constantly feel I am disappearing into nothingness, as my psyche tries to make me less and less self-aware.
The ridiculousness of this is that it is really experience that i cannot put into words, and by trying to verbalize it I am diminishing it's true reality. Simply put, i cannot describe my experience adequately. It's just not possible. and my experience falls so far outside the range of what most people experience that i feel there is not a single person on this planet with whom i can relate.
I have seen upwards of 20 mental health professionals over the years, and have been on an equal number of different meds. I am looking for someone(s) who can relate to what i am experiencing, as I contionue to disappear and my life becomes more and more miserable.
I have a Master's degree in psych and have years and years of therapy and self-help behind me, but still I suffer and no one can seem to help me. I would love to meet somebody who i can relate to, as I am alone and without even Self to live with. Please respond if you can relate!
Ok, I'll stop rambling now. Thanks.

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I can kind of relate. I wouldn't say that I always felt dissociated at a young age, but I think I never really developed a "strong" ego and, as a result, was likely to have these problems sooner or later.

I'm by no means an expert of psychology, but from what you've described it seems as though your problems are psychologically very deeply rooted. This being the case, you might want to look into some form of psychoanalysis - it's worked for some people on this site, at least.
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