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Hello everyone of this forum and my fellow dp sufferers,

i've signed here because i wanted to vent some.. I might come across as rude in a few things i'm about to say, i apologize for that in advance.

First, i think i have found a cure for the dp i suffer from, my own individual one. I'm working towards it, but i've been gradually improving for the first time in years. This is also why i don't think i'll be leaving this self introduction thread for now, though i'm curious and i'd like to, i don't think i'm at that point yet where my anxiety won't latch onto negative things/fears of other members easily.
I also hope i'm not scaring away anyone, i kind of hope to find some people to talk to who are also in a similiar stage to me or maybe i will just to continue venting here.

As for me, i don't have a family and dp has cut me off from most of my friends, and finding a therapist is very very hard. I also suffer more episodic bursts of dp than other people i think? My phases of dp can last from hours to months, but with clarity inbetween. It's both a blessing and absolute hell whenever i fall back into dp, right when i feel like i'm getting better.

What really drags me down though is how hard it is to find someone who really gets it. Not only the hard to understand dp, but about me and my situation in general. Noone seems to care and as i said, trying to find therapy with no support at a is a nightmare. I have introduced to psychiatric hospitals, with my very last strength, just to be rejected for being hard of hearing. I am unsure to how much this was justified, but i was sent home with nothing else to turn to, at a point in my life where i was struggling not to kill myself every night because i couldn't bear dp. Calling therapists just to be never called back. Having panic attacks every day all by myself, and noone who even understands or wants to. I've faced so much rejection with my mental illness that i'm almost giving up hope on good, compassionate people, but i don't want that. Even as i am writing this, i fear how someone is going to scold me that i need to understand other perspectives too. I am very well aware of how hard it might be for healthy people to understand mental illness and i seriously can't blame anyone who doesn't. But when even professionals who are supposed to understand and help you reject you, it's hard to not get frustrated. It's hard to always think of anyone else's feelings but there is no place for your own, at this time, nowhere in this world.

In the end, all my feelings are all situational, but i don't want to be always forced to think like that whenever i'm feeling at my worst, having to be there for myself. Forcing myself to never respond unfairly to people who have been unfair to me. I just can't be programmed to be the kind of person who can vent their feelings in that way, even if i wanted to.

I'm currently 23 and ever since i lost my only family at the age of 11, i've had to be strong. I just can't find many people who can relate or understand to how much it takes, maybe also because i'm always trying my best to smile instead of having mental breakdowns in front of other people (i've had those too, most times it ended up with people abandoning me, sometimes more, sometimes less harshly). People judge each other so easily, often taking many things really personally, thinking from only their own perspective. It's very hard to find good friends in this world who are willing to help out each other grow. It's especially hard for me, having dp always getting in my way to even leave my house haha

In the end my situation is just kinda a devil's circle, but i'm not losing hope. I just want to vent and take better care of myself until i'm finally, finally there, where i don't have to fight alone anymore.

PS: again, i'm very very lucky as i HAVE found a cure to dp which i'm working on. I'd be more than glad to be able to support each other, but with dp and anxiety i react extremely bad to persistent negativity, so i'm really sorry for not being good with that.

PPS: I know this is a big big forum and my forum is just a small small part of it, i'm of course not so full enough of myself to expect much ????
 

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Hi, welcome to the forum.

It's sometimes tough to cope without family, there are a few of us on the forum without family, who are perhaps more aware of the challenges it brings. I hope that you are able to find support on this forum.
 
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