[Guest]

i am really not able to distinguish the difference between dp and dr, because it feels like all the effects are mixed into one giant mess. im not able to describe the things that make me think im alot more mentally ill than people realize. when i read one the dozens of mental disorders, it seems like almost all of them apply to me. im just not able to put a finger on a single cause or thing that is bothering me.

my mental "psyche"..the thoughts and feelings that go through my head. my thoughts are the only thing thats REAL. and they are absurd. my personality or soul has been warped into this wandering mind. no control at all. i cant understand anything without asking a million questions or without doubting that i really dont understand it. i cant understand how my mind worked when i was "normal".. i dont feel HUMAN, like im not thinking and behaving naturally.. it makes me feel like every last detail in the universe is wrong... i cant explain it. i cant walk outside without trying to analyze the grass. i see people on the street who i dontk now and i dont understand whats going through their heads. i dont even understand or know why im TRYING to understand or know.

Im obsessed with omnipotence and thinking about consiousness. How humans are nothing but other animals who think and behave on instinct and within their own "Self realization" think they are doing whats right...just like every other animal. I look at my cat and I dont know why, but what goes through my head is wrong. I dont behave right around the cat, its like a person is looking back at me with full understanding. Every thought is just so distorted, NOTHING MAKES SENSE. I cant "see" with my mind. So when in conversations I dont see what would be totally random to say or do. I dont "Feel" what to do or what not to do, I think this is a big cause for my problems. Like for example I can remember from my normal times that slapping someone in the face randomly would be wrong and trigger alot of emotion, so nowadays I dont do it. But if for some reason I ended up slapping a person it wouldnt affect my day at all. Like what I just did didnt matter. Im basing my behavior on memories of how I acted, because my feelings are dreamlike and I cant feel what to do or what not to do without being pulled in another direction.

i dont know what to do. its like i cant recognize my soul in my mind. my mind and my soul are apart, or simply my soul has been messed up beyond repair. i really dont know. i really dont know what type of talk therapy or pills can help this mental torture. im dead inside so my mind has sucked in random misunderstanding thoughts like a vacuum because my perspective is no longer there.

i dont know where to go. its living hell. the only thing i "feel" like doing is grabbing a gun and shooting myself. and somehow i know that i probably sound like a sad crazy lunatic because i remember thats what I would think. i want to live my life again. dp/dr and related illness is far beyond what one can explain. some of us who lost our sense of self lost our thoughts and natural ego.

basically its like i died but my body is alive and my mind is still consious. i cant describe it any better than that.

i just wish i could go back to the good days. i cant imagine what happiness feels like, and im a person who was once strong and happy. i had a fulfilled life and much to look forward to. now every day is like a long search for a reason not to kill myself and i still havent found it for years. im not alive, except for whats left behind.

anyone else feel like this, or anything like this? or know how to overcome? because im losing hope. noone can feel my struggle or understand my pain

this is living hell and it doesnt stop

 

[Sojourner]

"I look at my cat and I dont know why, but what goes through my head is wrong. I dont behave right around the cat, its like a person is looking back at me with full understanding."

---

It's amazing -- that's so true about cats.

Don't try to put a label on what you experience. It a variation on the general theme of nervous illness. It's a distortion of the usual reaction to the perceptions we experience.

Most of your thoughts are not abnormal in themselves; what is abnormal is that you dwell on them and focus on them. What's abnormal is that they don't just come and go. Everybody in the universe gets crazy thoughts; they swim in and they swim out. You are dwelling on them for some reason - probably to avoid something else.

Let me repeat: your thoughts themselves are not abnormal. Nothing you wrote is crazy. We all have those kinds of thoughts, whether we suffer from nervous illness or not. The sanest man in the world has thoughts like that. Your observations are not off the mark. But dwelling on them IS abnormal and causes you grief.

In fact, all of our observations are true, but when we are "normal," they don't stick around and BOTHER us. We are immune to the truth all around us when we are "normal," and would any of prefer to be tortured by the "truth" of the reality we perceive? No, obviously, when we experience it, we hate it.

God did not create us to experience the abnormal state. We are choosing it for some reason. When you are "normal," you can consider the same exact thoughts, but they won't bother you a bit.

I urge you to seek out medical/psychological help for yourself. In the short-term, you need to have the experience of "normalcy" as a beacon, so I think you're probably a good candidate for some mild medicine.

Seek out help, please!

 

[anti-anti depressants]

basically its like i died but my body is alive and my mind is still consious. i cant describe it any better than that.

I've been thinking about how to tell my doctor how I feel and this quote describes it to a tee. Your not on your own my friend.

 

[Guest]

soujoner, ive taken alot of therapy and medicine, all have been useless. doctors seem oblivious to the truth behind my mind.

 

[Sojourner]

"soujoner, ive taken alot of therapy and medicine, all have been useless. doctors seem oblivious to the truth behind my mind."

---------

I see. But if I understand you, and other people here understand you, then (1) you have been unfortunate in the doctors you have consulted and the therapy you have received, and (2) you should continue to seek someone who understands and can help.

You might also want to ask yourself if you are (1) consciously choosing to focus on thoughts that would otherwise float in and out of your mind, and (2) consciously choosing not to apply any of the methods for recovery that have been suggested to you.

I find it next to impossible to believe that you have been as unlucky in finding doctors/therapists who understand what you are experiencing as you say you have been. Frankly, it makes no sense to me, because whether they think you're psychotic or DPed or something else, your symptoms are not at all unusual.

 

[g-funk]

Sojourner speaketh the truth.

Some good advice there - Janine described it once to me that 'every moment feels like a 'now' moment', that is you are dwelling on things and you feel/expereince the thought as if it were real and happening as opposed to recalling it and moving on to the next thought. You cannot think your way out, you cannot use your mind to fight your symptoms because your mind is temporarily short circuiting, the only thing you CAN do is to distract yourself, and your mind can reset itself again.

I've been through exactly what you are going through, it does get better.

 

[g-funk]

Another thing like Soj said, they are 'observations'. They are not truth. I guess you could say that for everything, everything is perceived by our brains so each and every one of us has our own subjective reality. But The closer that is to just plain, real life and the less interference we put in inbetween that and our experience of it, the better. Kind of. I realise that made no sense...