G
Guest
·Hello,
I am 50, and have suffered from social isolation since I suffered detatchment/separation at 12 years of age. At 12, i had to go into hospital for a routine opperation, when I came out I my personality had changed.
This is what happened to change it.
I was placed in a adult hospital as there were no vacancies in a childrens ward. I remember feeling a little apprehensive on my first day but put a brave front on as if I was 'fitting in' with other adult patients who were kind and supportive. However, on my second day whilst I was sitting at a table in the ward with four other patients playing cards (forgive me but I remember all this as if it was yesterday), the nurse called me for a pre-med tablet. I got up and walked across to her, took the tablet, and went and took my seat at the table again (I felt slightly anxious all the time over this two day period, even though I was making an effort to mix).
After about 5 seconds of sitting down something in my mind/brain triggered and it felt like a whooshing noise/feeling which lasted for only a second. At the same time this event made my eyelids flicker twice uncontrollably and from that moment on I felt detatched from everything. It felt as though a invisible transparent screen had blocked anything outside from comming into my mind. I immediatly was transformed in to a transe like state, staring into space but aware of everything going on arounde me. My eyes feel as though they need to roll up all the time and are like lead weights.
What is most frightening is that all my past assosiations with relatives/ friends, environments have gone. For example, I feel disconnected from my mother, sisters, people. I don't seem to be able to empathize with them. I have avoided parties and other social occasions over the years because of this. Because I feel so vulnerable for some reason (possibly because I am not in touch with myself I cannot commit to anything)
This condition has separated me socially from society. I tend push potential friends away. I don't take jobs that involve working with people only jobs where I work on my own.
I feel totally disconnected from any feelings I may have for anyone or myself. When I speak with people they seem to think I am ok but in my mind it is blank and there does not seem to be any social foundations being built and I tend to avoid any future contact with people who I meet in case they see through this 'smoke screen' I display.
If there is the likelyhood of having to mix with any groups of people for any length of time (eg 3 days upwards) I avoid this.
The worst part of all this is that I want to be with people and make friends and socialize and it is like torture pushing people away mentally. Every day I wake up anxious and frightend in some way because I am restricted to living a lonely life without any real meaningfull socialization.
My life has been socially wasted sinced I was 12 and all of this is due to a few seconds of mind events that occured in that hospital.
I appologize for going on and on but I am desparate to find someone or something that can wake me up out of what seems to be like a permenant transe/comma and living a life with no life.
I am 50, and have suffered from social isolation since I suffered detatchment/separation at 12 years of age. At 12, i had to go into hospital for a routine opperation, when I came out I my personality had changed.
This is what happened to change it.
I was placed in a adult hospital as there were no vacancies in a childrens ward. I remember feeling a little apprehensive on my first day but put a brave front on as if I was 'fitting in' with other adult patients who were kind and supportive. However, on my second day whilst I was sitting at a table in the ward with four other patients playing cards (forgive me but I remember all this as if it was yesterday), the nurse called me for a pre-med tablet. I got up and walked across to her, took the tablet, and went and took my seat at the table again (I felt slightly anxious all the time over this two day period, even though I was making an effort to mix).
After about 5 seconds of sitting down something in my mind/brain triggered and it felt like a whooshing noise/feeling which lasted for only a second. At the same time this event made my eyelids flicker twice uncontrollably and from that moment on I felt detatched from everything. It felt as though a invisible transparent screen had blocked anything outside from comming into my mind. I immediatly was transformed in to a transe like state, staring into space but aware of everything going on arounde me. My eyes feel as though they need to roll up all the time and are like lead weights.
What is most frightening is that all my past assosiations with relatives/ friends, environments have gone. For example, I feel disconnected from my mother, sisters, people. I don't seem to be able to empathize with them. I have avoided parties and other social occasions over the years because of this. Because I feel so vulnerable for some reason (possibly because I am not in touch with myself I cannot commit to anything)
This condition has separated me socially from society. I tend push potential friends away. I don't take jobs that involve working with people only jobs where I work on my own.
I feel totally disconnected from any feelings I may have for anyone or myself. When I speak with people they seem to think I am ok but in my mind it is blank and there does not seem to be any social foundations being built and I tend to avoid any future contact with people who I meet in case they see through this 'smoke screen' I display.
If there is the likelyhood of having to mix with any groups of people for any length of time (eg 3 days upwards) I avoid this.
The worst part of all this is that I want to be with people and make friends and socialize and it is like torture pushing people away mentally. Every day I wake up anxious and frightend in some way because I am restricted to living a lonely life without any real meaningfull socialization.
My life has been socially wasted sinced I was 12 and all of this is due to a few seconds of mind events that occured in that hospital.
I appologize for going on and on but I am desparate to find someone or something that can wake me up out of what seems to be like a permenant transe/comma and living a life with no life.
