[OliviasMind]

Dear community,
I am so thankful that this chat exists. I feel like we can Connect during these hard Times of dissociation.
My name is Olivia, I am 19 and I suffer from dpdr and ptsd. Was diagnosed one year ago.
The best way to describe my current mood is a movie: The Giver. When I first saw it, I wondered why I always felt like the people who live their lifes without any emotion, colour etc. Idk if anyone of you knows this film, but there was a very impressive scene.. the main character took a sleighride and Felt Snow and joy for the first time. Made me cry instantly cause suddenly I knew what I've been missing.
Since I was 5 y/o, I couldnt feel any atmosphere at all. Places are not beautiful, there is no difference between christmas-feeling and hot summer, I dont even like my friends as deeply as I should. I dont care about my Intuition, just always try to be a good student, daughter etc. I work like a robot.
Over the last year I have been very optimistic that my feelings would recover. But the last days were so hard. I miss my feelings, I only manage to not feel numb when I dream. That is such a waste of energy and it makes me sad. Just wish to have a good life, I wanna fall in love and travel beautiful places. But not like that, since I feel like I only exist
50%.
Please, if there is any advice or secret tip you find helpful - I would be glad to have a conversation with you.
Greetings and hugs
Olli

 

[Michael21]

I can definitely relate to what you’re saying, describing how there can sometimes be no difference between the atmosphere of seasons. Just the other day, I went to the local zoo and for the first time in a long while. I was in the barn exhibit with the goats, listening to the zookeepers making conversation, and it just felt like a hot august day, just like it did 12 years ago. For me, following traditions of the past, with other people, in a safe environment, brings back the “feeling” of those occasions. So the best thing to do is seek out those experiences. Remember, the numbing effect is a coping mechanism. There is something we are trying to protect ourselves against. Maybe it is just the harshness of reality. We need to seek out better coping mechanisms than the dissociating ones we are using.