desperate

hey people, I’m really desperate. It is not the fact that I suffer from dpdr that makes me despair, but that I am someone who had once managed to get out of being an 18-year-old and was symptom-free for more than 8 years. I fell back 9 months ago and the derealisation is very bizarre this time. it feels so terrible when you stop for a moment and notice what (beautiful) emotions you had felt when you were outside in an autumn weather with light rain, had your new jacket on and wandered through the area. I just looked at my whatsapp profile picture on which I am to see with my girlfriend and realized that this girl has a real healthy life and every day hopes that this man is better. this state will break my relationship sooner or later.. back then the dpdr was fucking no matter to me. I had friends who meant a lot to me, for whom I would die without blinking the eyelashes. when I was on the road with them and had fun, the dpdr had no meaning at all for me. It was extremely marginal. I thought I could live with it forever and forever and I wouldn’t mind at all. But after a while I became symptom-free. But this time it’s something completely different. I would almost claim there are quite different symptoms..I am very desperate..I have very great anxiety to never get out of this mental cage again..