I'm new to this website and just in need of support. I need to know there are people out there who understand and can empathize with what i'm going through. I am in love with a man who suffers from depersonalization and derealization as well as PTSD. He was raised within the strict confines of a religious organization and with quite dictators of parents. We have been together for 5 years. 4 while we lived in another state, he then quit his job and moved here to be with me. We have lived together for a year. He has been suffering through emotional break downs and quite severe anxiety attacks. He would nit pick little things I did and I tried to change for us. He told me recently he thought we had become very enmeshed and I told him I'm willing to work on that as long as he changes some things too. We both need to get that 50/50 equal effort to each other. I recently moved out of our condo to give him some space and time to work on himself and respect his need for some space. I have taken some time to step back and gain perspective too and realized that I was exhausted within the relationship. I gave my best efforts and it never seemed really good enough to him. I was so frustrated because I tried so hard and he wasn't noticing the positive changes he was complaining more was wrong. We really are best friends and know each other better then anyone. It use to be effortless for us. He use to be so open to listening and compromising and compassionate with my concerns and worries. Since he has gone to therapy it's like his anger at his past and nit picking and never good enough has reflected back onto me. I'm a trauma survivor myself and I admit I did have a pre disposition to become codependent, but I genuinely worked so hard to change any of the dynamic that started since we lived together. 4 months after he moved to my state I became pregnant and we moved in together. We sadly miscarried at 6 weeks. I know he's dealing with so much adjusting to therapy, mending a relationship with his family of origin and grieving for the past. I want to continue to support him. It took us a day of crying in bed together to realize he needed some time and space to heal. I left because I want to be compassionate and understanding. I miss him dearly and think about him everyday. This has been so confusing for me. Since I moved out it's like he doesn't want be best friends anymore. I understand him needing time but it hurts to not feel like we are together anymore. We said the day I moved out we were going to date anyone else in this time because we are still together and don't have to live together to be boyfriend and girlfriend. We left as we were on a break to become the best versions of ourselves for one another. He told me he doesn't want anyone else and he wont be anyone in new because it wouldn't feel right with any woman but me. He has been courting me and asking me out dates. This is just so confusing and I don't know how to act. I drove up to our old place to meet him and he greeted me with a big hug and kissed me cheek. Our first meet up 2 weeks after our "break" We talked for hours at Starbucks, closed it down and he walked me to my car and said I love you and kissed me on the lips. I'm so confused by these actions. I don't know what to think or feel or how to even move on with my life clinging to this hope he will come back to me again. This is our 2nd break within 5 years. He goes through patterns of pushing everyone away and now that seems to include me. He shuts down, wont allow himself to feel. He says he's so messed up and feels such a void for the loss of me. I don't know to be in a relationship or even a friendship with someone who holds his feelings under lock and keys but still shows just enough to show me still wants more. Please help, this is been plaguing my mind. I'm so lost. so numb, I'm beginning to not know how to feel anymore. He's an INFJ only 1% of the population. I'm an INFP 4% of population. He may feel all alone but the truth is he's not. HELP!
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