[Sleeplessinseattle]

I'm new to this website and just in need of support. I need to know there are people out there who understand and can empathize with what i'm going through. I am in love with a man who suffers from depersonalization and derealization as well as PTSD. He was raised within the strict confines of a religious organization and with quite dictators of parents. We have been together for 5 years. 4 while we lived in another state, he then quit his job and moved here to be with me. We have lived together for a year. He has been suffering through emotional break downs and quite severe anxiety attacks. He would nit pick little things I did and I tried to change for us. He told me recently he thought we had become very enmeshed and I told him I'm willing to work on that as long as he changes some things too. We both need to get that 50/50 equal effort to each other. I recently moved out of our condo to give him some space and time to work on himself and respect his need for some space. I have taken some time to step back and gain perspective too and realized that I was exhausted within the relationship. I gave my best efforts and it never seemed really good enough to him. I was so frustrated because I tried so hard and he wasn't noticing the positive changes he was complaining more was wrong. We really are best friends and know each other better then anyone. It use to be effortless for us. He use to be so open to listening and compromising and compassionate with my concerns and worries. Since he has gone to therapy it's like his anger at his past and nit picking and never good enough has reflected back onto me. I'm a trauma survivor myself and I admit I did have a pre disposition to become codependent, but I genuinely worked so hard to change any of the dynamic that started since we lived together. 4 months after he moved to my state I became pregnant and we moved in together. We sadly miscarried at 6 weeks. I know he's dealing with so much adjusting to therapy, mending a relationship with his family of origin and grieving for the past. I want to continue to support him. It took us a day of crying in bed together to realize he needed some time and space to heal. I left because I want to be compassionate and understanding. I miss him dearly and think about him everyday. This has been so confusing for me. Since I moved out it's like he doesn't want be best friends anymore. I understand him needing time but it hurts to not feel like we are together anymore. We said the day I moved out we were going to date anyone else in this time because we are still together and don't have to live together to be boyfriend and girlfriend. We left as we were on a break to become the best versions of ourselves for one another. He told me he doesn't want anyone else and he wont be anyone in new because it wouldn't feel right with any woman but me. He has been courting me and asking me out dates. This is just so confusing and I don't know how to act. I drove up to our old place to meet him and he greeted me with a big hug and kissed me cheek. Our first meet up 2 weeks after our "break" We talked for hours at Starbucks, closed it down and he walked me to my car and said I love you and kissed me on the lips. I'm so confused by these actions. I don't know what to think or feel or how to even move on with my life clinging to this hope he will come back to me again. This is our 2nd break within 5 years. He goes through patterns of pushing everyone away and now that seems to include me. He shuts down, wont allow himself to feel. He says he's so messed up and feels such a void for the loss of me. I don't know to be in a relationship or even a friendship with someone who holds his feelings under lock and keys but still shows just enough to show me still wants more. Please help, this is been plaguing my mind. I'm so lost. so numb, I'm beginning to not know how to feel anymore. He's an INFJ only 1% of the population. I'm an INFP 4% of population. He may feel all alone but the truth is he's not. HELP!

 

[tfiio]

that's a lot to take in. it does sound pretty confusing to be in the middle of all that.

there's a very important thing that I want you to know, though: mental illness or an ugly past may explain a person's behavior, but it doesn't excuse it. and he's not behaving very considerately, it seems.

yes, he has a lot to adjust to. he's got a lot going on. he's suffering, and he's confused, and he's probably pretty angry at himself, both for things in the past and more recent things like he may regret his behavior in regards to you. (this is just how I see it, I haven't met him and I haven't gotten his side of the story.) but that doesn't mean he's allowed to take it out on you, constantly demanding more, more, more, until you're desperately trying to keep up and it's still not enough. that is not okay.

and yes, you care about him very much. you've been with him for such a long time, imagining him not being there for you is painful and scary, regardless of the reason. you care about his wellbeing, and you want to do what's best for him.

but it sounds like you're only thinking about his wellbeing, and not your own. and that's not really okay either. when you describe the day you two decided to take a break, it sounds like you were doing it only for him, because you thought it would be good for him or perhaps because it was suggestion, it's a little unclear. it sounds like you only realized that his behavior was so harmful to you after you were already out.

none of this means you can't keep him or hope he comes back or whatever terminology you prefer, of course. these are just things to keep in mind moving forward.

if I was a friend you came to for advice, I would refuse to bless your renewed relationship unless he actually sat down and had an honest talk with you, in which he acknowledges his own wrongdoings. it sounds like you acknowledge yours more than plenty. he's courting you now, which indicates an interest, but at the same time, it kind of sounds like some textbook manipulation? oftentimes people manipulate others with no ill will at all, but because they're scared that it's the only way for them to get what they think they need. I'm not saying he's an awful manipulative person and you should leave him in the dust, not at all. I'm saying that this particular behavior makes me wary, because of other patterns that are often (but not always) connected to it.

I think it would be a very good idea for you to sit down for a little while and think about what's important to you, outside of your relationship with him. or perhaps go back to high school and make lists of what an ideal fantasy boyfriend would be like, and try not to intentionally make it a description of him. you're so wrapped up in him and what's best for him and what will make him happy and what you can do to please him. I'd really, really like it if you could take some time to think about you. can you do that for me?

 

[Sleeplessinseattle]

I really appreciate your response so much. Sometimes I feel so alone. It's so difficult to understand DPD and DRD. I need to remember not to loose myself along the way too. I just love and miss him so much. This heart break is so difficult I tried my best and always will continue to. I just need it to be enough.

 

[tfiio]

you deserve to be accepted and loved as you are. doesn't mean you're perfect, because no one is, but "fixing" things shouldn't be a requirement of the relationship unless it's something serious.

I know it hurts. you're welcome to message me if you want to talk about it or anything.