[Rogbern97]

Honestly not sure what is even going on.
Nothing makes sense. I feel so lost so deep in whatever this is. I have no concept of self or reality. Being human, this whole experience feels alien and uncomfortable. I feel numb, from emotions from others. Anatomy scares me. My eyes scare me “ how am I seeing things” “how am I talking” I feel trapped in this body. Seeing, hearing, talking, thinking, being able to feel everything is so unnerving and uncomfortable. Having this body is scary. I feel like I’m just a brain that is firing synapses and has these chemicals that make me feel things. I’m broken. I only feel fear, anxiety and confusion. I feel so far removed and distant from anything. I can’t connect to my wife and I’m just quiet all the time since interacting with others feels so bizarre.

I think back to before I was this way and I feel like I’m the same now and I just can’t possibly be ok with being human and this whole experience. I’m scared of normalcy because I think to myself “how can I be ok with being able to see and talk and think”. I ask myself “What if normal is this and we just ignore the hyper awareness?” The ideas of money and working and going through life make no sense. I’m just so confused and lost and scared. Nothing has meaning. I don’t feel like a person with a personality. The idea of being/having a personality even scares me because right now it doesn’t make sense. My previous thoughts and beliefs feel so obscure and distant and I have an incredibly tough time assigning any meaning to them. Material things have no meaning and I am just questioning absolutely everything. I feel as if I’m in a constant haze, and my vision is blurry. Brain fog? Everything I do feels automatic, “how am I typing this right now, how am I thinking how can I be articulating what it is that I “feel” “. I have a hard time remembering anything. I’ll do something and immediately forget I did it. I have an incredibly hard time thinking about what I did a day previous. I look at pictures and videos of myself and don’t recognize that person. I feel like I’ve figured something out that I shouldn’t have. Life seems pointless, inconceivable, impossible. How do I ignore all these thoughts and feelings? I get small bursts of hope when I tell myself that this is just dp/dr, but that quickly fades. I look at recovery stories and I’m not sure anyone can relate to this feeling of uncomfortableness that i constantly have and all I’m describing. “Is my mind just playing trick on me and soon everything will make sense again?” “No this is life! This is what it feels like, you’re just aware of it all now.” Will I ever be comfortable with this human experience?

I look at other humans and I’m so weirded out by how they look. I’ll ask myself “How are they not completely engrossed in these feelings and awareness?” The idea of anxiety and depression and all these other mental ailments confuse me. How is it that I’m this being who is afraid of all these odd thoughts and therefore I panic and now I’m in this state? How can I return to normalcy if this is what it is? How can I forget all these feelings? How do I know how to speak to others and they know what I’m saying, they understand me? What is language and how is it that I can assign meaning to these sounds coming out of my mouth. ITS ALL SO CONFUSING AND ODD AND EXHAUSTING. To those who have recovered, does all this go away? Did you have to learn to be ok with being human?

I’m so exhausted. I can’t sleep. My mind goes into confusing rumination that scares me and makes no sense. I can’t eat. I can’t escape. I don’t know what to do. Any attempt at letting this all go and healing feels futile since I don’t know if I will ever not feel or know these things. Is this dp/dr and dissociation? Is there hope for me?

 

[Msanchioli]

Honestly not sure what is even going on.
Nothing makes sense. I feel so lost so deep in whatever this is. I have no concept of self or reality. Being human, this whole experience feels alien and uncomfortable. I feel numb, from emotions from others. Anatomy scares me. My eyes scare me “ how am I seeing things” “how am I talking” I feel trapped in this body. Seeing, hearing, talking, thinking, being able to feel everything is so unnerving and uncomfortable. Having this body is scary. I feel like I’m just a brain that is firing synapses and has these chemicals that make me feel things. I’m broken. I only feel fear, anxiety and confusion. I feel so far removed and distant from anything. I can’t connect to my wife and I’m just quiet all the time since interacting with others feels so bizarre.

I think back to before I was this way and I feel like I’m the same now and I just can’t possibly be ok with being human and this whole experience. I’m scared of normalcy because I think to myself “how can I be ok with being able to see and talk and think”. I ask myself “What if normal is this and we just ignore the hyper awareness?” The ideas of money and working and going through life make no sense. I’m just so confused and lost and scared. Nothing has meaning. I don’t feel like a person with a personality. The idea of being/having a personality even scares me because right now it doesn’t make sense. My previous thoughts and beliefs feel so obscure and distant and I have an incredibly tough time assigning any meaning to them. Material things have no meaning and I am just questioning absolutely everything. I feel as if I’m in a constant haze, and my vision is blurry. Brain fog? Everything I do feels automatic, “how am I typing this right now, how am I thinking how can I be articulating what it is that I “feel” “. I have a hard time remembering anything. I’ll do something and immediately forget I did it. I have an incredibly hard time thinking about what I did a day previous. I look at pictures and videos of myself and don’t recognize that person. I feel like I’ve figured something out that I shouldn’t have. Life seems pointless, inconceivable, impossible. How do I ignore all these thoughts and feelings? I get small bursts of hope when I tell myself that this is just dp/dr, but that quickly fades. I look at recovery stories and I’m not sure anyone can relate to this feeling of uncomfortableness that i constantly have and all I’m describing. “Is my mind just playing trick on me and soon everything will make sense again?” “No this is life! This is what it feels like, you’re just aware of it all now.” Will I ever be comfortable with this human experience?

I look at other humans and I’m so weirded out by how they look. I’ll ask myself “How are they not completely engrossed in these feelings and awareness?” The idea of anxiety and depression and all these other mental ailments confuse me. How is it that I’m this being who is afraid of all these odd thoughts and therefore I panic and now I’m in this state? How can I return to normalcy if this is what it is? How can I forget all these feelings? How do I know how to speak to others and they know what I’m saying, they understand me? What is language and how is it that I can assign meaning to these sounds coming out of my mouth. ITS ALL SO CONFUSING AND ODD AND EXHAUSTING. To those who have recovered, does all this go away? Did you have to learn to be ok with being human?

I’m so exhausted. I can’t sleep. My mind goes into confusing rumination that scares me and makes no sense. I can’t eat. I can’t escape. I don’t know what to do. Any attempt at letting this all go and healing feels futile since I don’t know if I will ever not feel or know these things. Is this dp/dr and dissociation? Is there hope for me?

Definitely sounds like DP to me... I've felt pretty much all the things you mentioned. I just saw this article on FB that kind of helped me understand this horrible feeling a little bit better. It might not help any of your symptoms but it may ease your mind. Unpacking the Science of Depersonalization

 

[Trith]

I'm sorry you are going through that. I don't know if this will be reassuring but what you describe does sound like a very good textbook description of depersonalization. So there is nothing "weird" in what you describe, it sounds like pure DP, at least how i perceive it.
I have had several episodes of strong DP similar to what you describe, and every time I felt like I had simply open my eyes to a new truth, as you say. I felt like I had only realized that personality or identity is an artificial thing and that now I would never be able to unlearn it. But every time at the end of the episode things went back to normal, or as close to normal as I could get, which was much better. And then I did not feel any more that identity was artificial. Outside of philosophical considerations, i mean. It simply did not feel like that anymore.
I feel like in DP things were disconnected and disorganized, including my way of looking at things which made it all look very different. And then when it was over everything fell back more or less into place. Me trying to remember what normal was did not accelerate the process at all I feel. It was just independent of me. But every time i did feel like I was stuck in this forever because I was seeing truth, and every time it did fall back into place eventually. It seems that this impression that it will last forever is just one of the regular symptoms.
I feel it's the same with depression, it always feels like the sadness will last forever because it comes from a truth we cannot unlearn. But then it does stop and we see we were wrong. But if it starts again that impression of eternity comes back, at least it was the case for me with my mood disorder. And I was fooled again by it every time. I needed a weirdly large number of going back and forth to really start recording the fact that it is all an illusion. I have heard people say the same about regular depression and it feels to me that DP gives a similar illusion. I think this happens every time something messes with our identity, because identity feels eternal.
It's frightening because it feels like there is no reference point to go back to. Absolutely zero, even my own identity. But in my case I found that the good news was that the reference would find itself eventually and there was nothing special to do about it.
That was my personal experience. My DP episodes used to last more or less a few months down to a few days, but my DR is relatively constant. That's just how it is for me, i don't know about you or others.

 

[JayB]

Hi Rogbern, I agree with the others above. I've had all the thoughts and sensations you describe. Like Trith said, when you are depersonalized you feel like you've just opened your eyes to the truth about everything, including your own existence. I know how terrifying it can be. How can I be thinking right now? How weird is it I can see anything and hear my own voice inside my head? Why is nobody else disturbed about that fact? You can become obsess with those new perceptions and ruminate on them even if you know you shouldn't do it. You won't ''solve'' the depersonalization by trying to seek answers or rationalizing your experience. The best you can do is try to let the symptoms be there without reacting too much, keep living your life like you would otherwise and work on your anxiety level. You are safe and need to believe in it 100%. When you'll get better, being human won't feel as strange. It will all ''make sense'' and your thoughts will begin to be much more unobstrusive and aimed at ''normal'' everyday subjects. Most of the time you won't even realize that you are living and thinking. You will just ''be'', if that makes sense.

 

[coolwhip27]

Can you observe your condition? What is the state of your mind? Racing, moving, never sitting still? Don’t be deceived. You have to do it all yourself

 

[Trith]

Definitely sounds like DP to me... I've felt pretty much all the things you mentioned. I just saw this article on FB that kind of helped me understand this horrible feeling a little bit better. It might not help any of your symptoms but it may ease your mind. Unpacking the Science of Depersonalization

By the way, this was a really good read. I like the idea that it could even be because we don't took at something that it becomes who we are.

 

[Irooni98]

Any update dude?
I feel you now

 

[Alwin]

Honestly not sure what is even going on.
Nothing makes sense. I feel so lost so deep in whatever this is. I have no concept of self or reality. Being human, this whole experience feels alien and uncomfortable. I feel numb, from emotions from others. Anatomy scares me. My eyes scare me “ how am I seeing things” “how am I talking” I feel trapped in this body. Seeing, hearing, talking, thinking, being able to feel everything is so unnerving and uncomfortable. Having this body is scary. I feel like I’m just a brain that is firing synapses and has these chemicals that make me feel things. I’m broken. I only feel fear, anxiety and confusion. I feel so far removed and distant from anything. I can’t connect to my wife and I’m just quiet all the time since interacting with others feels so bizarre.

I think back to before I was this way and I feel like I’m the same now and I just can’t possibly be ok with being human and this whole experience. I’m scared of normalcy because I think to myself “how can I be ok with being able to see and talk and think”. I ask myself “What if normal is this and we just ignore the hyper awareness?” The ideas of money and working and going through life make no sense. I’m just so confused and lost and scared. Nothing has meaning. I don’t feel like a person with a personality. The idea of being/having a personality even scares me because right now it doesn’t make sense. My previous thoughts and beliefs feel so obscure and distant and I have an incredibly tough time assigning any meaning to them. Material things have no meaning and I am just questioning absolutely everything. I feel as if I’m in a constant haze, and my vision is blurry. Brain fog? Everything I do feels automatic, “how am I typing this right now, how am I thinking how can I be articulating what it is that I “feel” “. I have a hard time remembering anything. I’ll do something and immediately forget I did it. I have an incredibly hard time thinking about what I did a day previous. I look at pictures and videos of myself and don’t recognize that person. I feel like I’ve figured something out that I shouldn’t have. Life seems pointless, inconceivable, impossible. How do I ignore all these thoughts and feelings? I get small bursts of hope when I tell myself that this is just dp/dr, but that quickly fades. I look at recovery stories and I’m not sure anyone can relate to this feeling of uncomfortableness that i constantly have and all I’m describing. “Is my mind just playing trick on me and soon everything will make sense again?” “No this is life! This is what it feels like, you’re just aware of it all now.” Will I ever be comfortable with this human experience?

I look at other humans and I’m so weirded out by how they look. I’ll ask myself “How are they not completely engrossed in these feelings and awareness?” The idea of anxiety and depression and all these other mental ailments confuse me. How is it that I’m this being who is afraid of all these odd thoughts and therefore I panic and now I’m in this state? How can I return to normalcy if this is what it is? How can I forget all these feelings? How do I know how to speak to others and they know what I’m saying, they understand me? What is language and how is it that I can assign meaning to these sounds coming out of my mouth. ITS ALL SO CONFUSING AND ODD AND EXHAUSTING. To those who have recovered, does all this go away? Did you have to learn to be ok with being human?

I’m so exhausted. I can’t sleep. My mind goes into confusing rumination that scares me and makes no sense. I can’t eat. I can’t escape. I don’t know what to do. Any attempt at letting this all go and healing feels futile since I don’t know if I will ever not feel or know these things. Is this dp/dr and dissociation? Is there hope for me?

Definitely, but it will take time but don't try to not feel this way because that only gives more anxiety.

 

[Caio]

Olá amigo, hoje também estou me sentindo mal, hoje estou muito mal. Hoje a despersonalização não me abala tanto, mas a desrealização me destrói, minha alma está completamente ferida. Hoje pensei em suicídio, não que não tenha pensado nisso outras vezes, a dor que a desrealização me causa é imensurável, acreditar que não somos reais, acreditar que já vivi tudo isso antes, e constantemente ter dejavus destrói completamente Eu. Estou vivendo, fingindo que estou bem, forçando completamente as relações sociais, porque sem dúvida o que eu queria era simplesmente ficar quieto, deitado, sem fazer nada o dia todo, isso soa meio deprimente, mas a desrealização está me deixando muito depressivo . Não sei até quando vou aguentar, minha relação com meu pai, mãe, avó e namorado, com outras pessoas, simplesmente parecem ter sido premeditadas, e assim que acontecem meu cérebro sente que já vivi isso antes e aí surge minha angústia. E não aguento mais essa angústia, a realidade e a vida sempre me fizeram bem, e agora não vejo nada além de tristeza, nada além de dor. Espero muito um dia me curar, estou me esforçando, como menciono em posts aqui, faço terapia, psiquiatra, tomo remédio, e me curei da própria despersonalização, mas a desrealização continua e dói muito ter isso. Se Deus existe espero que ele ouça minha súplica, porque eu imploro, imploro a Deus, pela ciência, por qualquer coisa, imploro por uma cura, porque não aguento mais. já vivi isso antes e aí surge minha angústia. E não aguento mais essa angústia, a realidade e a vida sempre me fizeram bem, e agora não vejo nada além de tristeza, nada além de dor. Espero muito um dia me curar, estou me esforçando, como menciono em posts aqui, faço terapia, psiquiatra, tomo remédio, e me curei da própria despersonalização, mas a desrealização continua e dói muito ter isso. Se Deus existe espero que ele ouça minha súplica, porque eu imploro, imploro a Deus, pela ciência, por qualquer coisa, imploro por uma cura, porque não aguento mais. já vivi isso antes e aí surge minha angústia. E não aguento mais essa angústia, a realidade e a vida sempre me fizeram bem, e agora não vejo nada além de tristeza, nada além de dor. Espero muito um dia me curar, estou me esforçando, como menciono em posts aqui, faço terapia, psiquiatra, tomo remédio, e me curei da própria despersonalização, mas a desrealização continua e dói muito ter isso. Se Deus existe espero que ele ouça minha súplica, porque eu imploro, imploro a Deus, pela ciência, por qualquer coisa, imploro por uma cura, porque não aguento mais. psiquiatra, tomo remédio e me curei da própria despersonalização, mas a desrealização continua e dói muito ter. Se Deus existe espero que ele ouça minha súplica, porque eu imploro, imploro a Deus, pela ciência, por qualquer coisa, imploro por uma cura, porque não aguento mais. psiquiatra, tomo remédio e me curei da própria despersonalização, mas a desrealização continua e dói muito ter. Se Deus existe espero que ele ouça minha súplica, porque eu imploro, imploro a Deus, pela ciência, por qualquer coisa, imploro por uma cura, porque não aguento mais.

 

[NoDevils]

Feeling human is a feeling so trying obsessively to think your way back to it is probably misguided.

Far as there being hope for you, there's hope for everyone. Most people with this syndrome have some symptom remission, but I don't suggest putting your life entirely on hold waiting for said remission. Whether or not you'll be okay is in the hands of yourself and whoever is supporting you.

 

[Samzone]

Honestly not sure what is even going on.
Nothing makes sense. I feel so lost so deep in whatever this is. I have no concept of self or reality. Being human, this whole experience feels alien and uncomfortable. I feel numb, from emotions from others. Anatomy scares me. My eyes scare me “ how am I seeing things” “how am I talking” I feel trapped in this body. Seeing, hearing, talking, thinking, being able to feel everything is so unnerving and uncomfortable. Having this body is scary. I feel like I’m just a brain that is firing synapses and has these chemicals that make me feel things. I’m broken. I only feel fear, anxiety and confusion. I feel so far removed and distant from anything. I can’t connect to my wife and I’m just quiet all the time since interacting with others feels so bizarre.

I think back to before I was this way and I feel like I’m the same now and I just can’t possibly be ok with being human and this whole experience. I’m scared of normalcy because I think to myself “how can I be ok with being able to see and talk and think”. I ask myself “What if normal is this and we just ignore the hyper awareness?” The ideas of money and working and going through life make no sense. I’m just so confused and lost and scared. Nothing has meaning. I don’t feel like a person with a personality. The idea of being/having a personality even scares me because right now it doesn’t make sense. My previous thoughts and beliefs feel so obscure and distant and I have an incredibly tough time assigning any meaning to them. Material things have no meaning and I am just questioning absolutely everything. I feel as if I’m in a constant haze, and my vision is blurry. Brain fog? Everything I do feels automatic, “how am I typing this right now, how am I thinking how can I be articulating what it is that I “feel” “. I have a hard time remembering anything. I’ll do something and immediately forget I did it. I have an incredibly hard time thinking about what I did a day previous. I look at pictures and videos of myself and don’t recognize that person. I feel like I’ve figured something out that I shouldn’t have. Life seems pointless, inconceivable, impossible. How do I ignore all these thoughts and feelings? I get small bursts of hope when I tell myself that this is just dp/dr, but that quickly fades. I look at recovery stories and I’m not sure anyone can relate to this feeling of uncomfortableness that i constantly have and all I’m describing. “Is my mind just playing trick on me and soon everything will make sense again?” “No this is life! This is what it feels like, you’re just aware of it all now.” Will I ever be comfortable with this human experience?

I look at other humans and I’m so weirded out by how they look. I’ll ask myself “How are they not completely engrossed in these feelings and awareness?” The idea of anxiety and depression and all these other mental ailments confuse me. How is it that I’m this being who is afraid of all these odd thoughts and therefore I panic and now I’m in this state? How can I return to normalcy if this is what it is? How can I forget all these feelings? How do I know how to speak to others and they know what I’m saying, they understand me? What is language and how is it that I can assign meaning to these sounds coming out of my mouth. ITS ALL SO CONFUSING AND ODD AND EXHAUSTING. To those who have recovered, does all this go away? Did you have to learn to be ok with being human?

I’m so exhausted. I can’t sleep. My mind goes into confusing rumination that scares me and makes no sense. I can’t eat. I can’t escape. I don’t know what to do. Any attempt at letting this all go and healing feels futile since I don’t know if I will ever not feel or know these things. Is this dp/dr and dissociation? Is there hope for me?

I can relate so much. Especially the part about thinking back on when things were normal, its like you can't even fucking remember what it was like. That is one of the most horrible symptoms and what makes you suspect you might never become normal again. I had this for a whole year before I managed to recover completely, and what I remember thinking back on this state was; "I can't believe I was so obsessed about these unimportant things..."Because that's what it really is. The thoughts, the hyperawareness. It just doesn't matter. Its all a waste of time thinking and obsessing about these things.

You will learn to "forget" about these thoughts and sensations. Once you get out of this state, you could almost laugh at yourself when looking back, how you spend so much time and suffered so much pain from obsessing about these things. "How do I think? Who cares.. How do I understand words?? Who cares..."

I know in the moment, these questions and sensations feel like the most important thing in your life and you have to consciously keep yourself in check or you will loose control but its really not the case. I like to imagine that we are living life "zoomed in" while in this state. Every little thing and every detail in our conciousness seems new and strange. once you "zoom out" and become normal again, these things will all seem trivial and you will feel at peace with the fact that you don't have your mind all figured out and controlled.

I'm only talking from my own experience but have faith brother. It is possible to heal.

 

[Alwin]

I can relate so much. Especially the part about thinking back on when things were normal, its like you can't even fucking remember what it was like. That is one of the most horrible symptoms and what makes you suspect you might never become normal again. I had this for a whole year before I managed to recover completely, and what I remember thinking back on this state was; "I can't believe I was so obsessed about these unimportant things..."Because that's what it really is. The thoughts, the hyperawareness. It just doesn't matter. Its all a waste of time thinking and obsessing about these things.

You will learn to "forget" about these thoughts and sensations. Once you get out of this state, you could almost laugh at yourself when looking back, how you spend so much time and suffered so much pain from obsessing about these things. "How do I think? Who cares.. How do I understand words?? Who cares..."

I know in the moment, these questions and sensations feel like the most important thing in your life and you have to consciously keep yourself in check or you will loose control but its really not the case. I like to imagine that we are living life "zoomed in" while in this state. Every little thing and every detail in our conciousness seems new and strange. once you "zoom out" and become normal again, these things will all seem trivial and you will feel at peace with the fact that you don't have your mind all figured out and controlled.

I'm only talking from my own experience but have faith brother. It is possible to heal.

 

[Alwin]

I know exactly how you feel as I am having exactly the same problem myself even to the point of thinking I have discovered something nobody else has. I am scared, anxious, can't be happy, think it will never end and don't know how to get relief. Dr's tell me I will recover but I won't believe it. It is very strange not having the inner voice to be guided by and having to think your self through this turmoil. Just keep hoping as best you can and be patient.

 

[Samzone]

It is very strange not having the inner voice to be guided by and having to think your self through this turmoil.

Well said. This is exactly how I feel. Its like you cant sense what is right or wrong. What is true and what is false. You know it logically but you cant “feel” it. I think this is one of the main reason we fear going insane cause you feel absolutely lost in your own body.