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Last October towards the end of the month I had a sudden panic attack brought on by feelings of unreality, all of a sudden I didn't feel real, nothing around me felt real and I felt confused and scared. Following this I returned to my family home where I stayed for 4 months, I was put on fluoxetine 20mg and only left my bedroom around 4/5 times in the whole 4 months, my symptoms included;

  • Feelings of unreality
  • Not sure what was real and what was inside my head
  • People around me seemed fake and in my imagination
  • Felt like I was stuck in dream
  • Glass wall between me and the real world
  • Questioning reality, such as what is reality and why this was
  • Questioning the meaning of life, such as why are we here, how are we here, is there a god
  • Questioning what happens when you die
  • Wondering what came before the universe and the meaning of infinite

My anxiety and panic was sky high 24/7, constantly shaking, loss of breathe, sensitive to light and sound, hypersensitive. When this all eventually died down I was stuck in a deep hole of depression, thinking there is no point to life, we have no meaning, why are we here, we all die eventually and nothing we do matters, physically I was feeling numb, tired and empty. I since have tried different medication and doses, CBT therapy, meditation, read philosophy books, and had no relief from this depression at all, I am stuck in a deep pit of feeling suicidal, numb and lack of motivation as life has no meaning, nothing we do matters, no one knows why or how we are here, just overall what's the point. I really don't know how to beat this nihilistic depression, I feel like now I have allowed these thoughts to enter my brain there's no going back to my life before, just enjoying the basic things and not thinking about all these big scary questions.

When I saw a therapist in January she diagnosed me with depression, anxiety, PTSD and panic disorder.

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I'm totally with you on what you said about the thoughts entering your brain and that there's no going back. I think I saw a post on here a couple months ago where someone said, "there's no way out, only through." I thought that was a pretty profound way of perceiving recovery.

I try to do my best to extract any good out of the situation as I can. Sure, DPDR can change you in an extremely negative way, but that can bring about positive changes as well. For instance, I am much less socially anxious since my DPDR has forced me to focus on much deeper questions. Another thing that is vital is to reassess what's important to you in the here and now, because that's all that matters. I think it's possible to be in a situation that makes you feel so content that it really doesn't matter what reality is, because you're truly happy. Maybe it's a person that's important to you, or an activity that brings you joy. Try to drown yourself in what you love the most.

DPDR is such a personal affair that ultimately it will come down to you and your perception. That being said, I am in the same boat as you, struggling with some suicidal thoughts, depression, anxiety, and an overall feeling of despair. I have hope that the experience can bring out something truly positive in us though. Good luck, hang in there

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I am someone whose suffered deeply with the existential aspects brought on by dp. One year later and i have the thoughts every day still. I ruminate about timw, cosmic existentialism and death, nearly constantly. It's like my brain flicked a switch and cannot now turn off. It's been so long I don't know if it can be reversed. I don't think you will ever fully forget this once the door has been opened. But time moves on and brain chemistry improves
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