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Derealization induced from molly. 4 months. HELP

4226 Views 12 Replies 7 Participants Last post by  jessie1133
Hey my name is Jessica im 18 years old and a pretty normal girl. I don't really know where to start with this but ill share all my disorganized thought, QUESTIONS, concerns, ect of the inner thinking's of my mind. So at the end of may of this year I took a whole bunch of molly (MDMA) with my friend. And well that day changed my life. Id say I suffer more from DEREALIZATION then depersonalization. My biggest symptoms is that my VISION in the LIGHT is super perceived and dereal. Ill take you threw the months of my DPD. The first month I was a wreak! I didn't know what was going on with me, why things were the way that they were ect. I had constant high anxiety, VISION PERCEPTION, verbal impartment (stuttering, talking to fast, forgetting what I was talking about), headaches, ou know the symptoms. I stayed in my room that whole month taking my self away from my horse, friends, work, any thing social and anything to do with OUTSIDE. By the begging of the 2 month I still had all the same feelings. I ended up going to a 3 day festival were you camped and the weather was 95 degrees. That weekend I drank a energy drink and had anxiety the whole time that ruined the whole thing for me. After not sleeping for 2 days all the symptoms got worse and I had a sever panic attack. When I came home I told my self it was time to go to the doctors. My doctored told me I had a sinus, I treated it and my symptoms were still there. Came back and he prescribed my XANEX to take for a month. During the second month (July) I tried to get out more but the same feelings. By August I moved out my mom to my dads. The change in environment help but it was still there ALWAYS IN THE DAY TIME THOUGH. I came to except the fact that I have dr/dp. I starting hanging out with my friends, going to partys (not doing drugs) and that helped me to feel a bit normal. But even though my anxity was going down my VISION is the same. By the 3rd month (September) I was hanging out a lot with my friends and trying my best to avoid my DR/DP. None of my friends can tell that there is something wrong with me but of course I know. Now at the * FOURTH MONTH MARK* this is how I feel.. I feel like my DR/DP in highly caused by the VISUAL disturbance in the light. When im out side it feel and looks so alien that I dread going outside. At night time I feel any where from 85-99 percent normal witch im so greatful for. I still have a bunch of anxiety but its more manageable. o and I have lucid dream and sleep paralysis ( its horrible). So anyways growing up I had a very dysfunction, unstable life. I was in foster and was blocked out of my parents life all starting at the age of 12. those years were very emotionally scaring for me. And I think that those years are the underlining of my dr/dp/anxiety/depression. This disorder is captivating my life. I dropped out of college, im to scared to get my CNA job, and im terrified of the DAYLIGHT. This needs to change and I wont settle to hear that there isn't any "cure". I feel like if I got rid of the visual perception id feel pretty normal. Id do anything to feel normal agin.

But my main point of this is HOW CAN I MAKE IT GO AWAY?!?! why is it visual? what are things to make it better? Why dose this happen? And your guys success stories? Thank you! PLEASE HELP ME

P.S I went to the eye doctor a couple weeks ago and I have 20/20 vision.
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Well iv always had depression sinse I was really young and iv never experienced something like this till after I did molly that one night. Well while I was high I got so high that I had to lay down and tell my self I would be okay... I was controlling a panic attack. And I remember we were laying out in this hay field and BAM I just felt it come on. And emotionally im pretty sane... like I said iv always had depression but im always able to pull my self together around friends and school. But now I just about feel the same I do feel kinda spacey and forgetful but other then that the same just add 100000000000x of anxiety. And I think the main reason why im so anxious is because of this visual problem I have. Like when I hang out with my friends now they can never tell something is wrong with me.. I just say my eyes are sensitive to light if I start getting scared of something that's going on outside.. I mainly have the Visual part of Derealization ... Its horrible. I read how people have this for years.. I wont settle for that answer.. How do I fix it?
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And it was feeling slightly better.. but now it seems to be back at square 1 :((((
Yea as a child my mom remarried and had a nother child with the man she married and it caused me to have lots of problems and I ended up being in a foster home then in several different houses. I went threw hell and back but I still remember how the journey was. I fended for my self ever sinse I was 12 and its a part of my life I have a hard time forgetting about till this day still. I don't ever really talk to any of my parents.. I have a few close friends that iv had sinse I was really young and they all moved to different states so im kinda on my own. I have lots of friends but I don't really have that support system or anybody I could trust telling all this to. When I was high on the molly I was with someone who I didn't really trust because my ex boy friend was talking to her. So the whole time I was high I was uncomfortable.. And I just remember telling my self... youll be okay Jessica.. shit like this has happened before.. youll be fine in a couple hours... Well its been 5 months and im still dealing with it. Like im not a emotional mess with this disorder I just feel foggy and my Vision is not perceiving. I used to get this feeling after doing molly for a day or 2 but it would always go away... But just that one time it didn't... And I know im extremely stupid for doing it.. trust me if I could take it all back I would.. it makes me think was I born to just to make that one decision at that one moment to have this... Its extremely depressing. id much rather be bipolor then have this.. Its 24/7.. I never realized how mentally lucky I was till this happened to me... I feel like if this were to go away id have such a better perspective on life.. I hope this is just a lesson god is giving me for a while.. Id want to die if I were to have this forever... hahahha sorry for being so deep but its how I feel under my skull.
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Please don't tell me if you've had it for years.. That sets it off more. I need success storys, how to success, and just anything helpful please.
Still have DR.. Still feel the exact same 7 months in.
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