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9 Posts
Hi....
Okay, so this is my first post on this forum, on any forum in fact. I am however a chronic reader of the website and have read my way through hundreds if not thousands of threads to search for answers. Considering this (what I assume is derealisation and maybe slight depersonalisation) has dominated my 'life' for at least 5, going on 6 years now I decided it has to be time to share my story. (And I just want to say that if there is anyone out there reading this who is suffering from these symptoms, please give your input, I refrained for years but I believe it could be beneficial to many)
This is my last bit of hope I have for experiencing reality once more and I hope some of you guys might be able to help, or relate to my symptoms/story to put my mind at rest that recovery is a possibility for me. (If it is not I honestly don't think I could carry on) I know this may sound silly considering I have never actually tried to get help for this before but I always just assumed that it would go away on its own if it was going to.
Right, so I started smoking the oh so familiar weed at the age of 14 (2007), I'm sure that for at least the first year or longer it never caused me problems and I only ever remember having good times whilst smoking it, however having such an addictive personality that I did it quickly became a big part of my life and I began smoking it near enough every day.
Just to clarify, at this age I was a guy who was very content within myself and I recall having thoughts like 'I wouldn't want to be anyone else I am happy with who I am', not exactly those words but you get the idea. Little did I know what I would become..
Alright so this is where it gets a little confusing, as I cannot remember the exact onset of my derealisation, I sort of remember it being gradual, like sometimes I would notice 'Wait, I don't feel right' and at first I couldn't put my finger on it. Furthermore, at the age of 16 in June 2009, I took part in tripping on LSD, by this point I was already drunk and had been smoking so otherwise I would not have normally done this. To add, it was also quite a large dose but I couldn't state the amount exactly, maybe around 10 times a normal dose which resulted in a bad trip around 3 hours in.
The thing that plagues me here is that I believe that I had become derealised before this event but I cannot say 100% for sure, so my brain is in a constant battle and I can't find closure to what really caused me to feel how I do today.
All I know is that when it first came over me all I did was try to ignore it as I didn't want to tell anyone and for them to think I was crazy.
Okay so probably about time to explain the symptoms...
I can recall a few moments in my past from the early stages of this illness where I noticed a feeling, but one day it truly hit me...chronically from then until now. I remember sitting on my friends bed with him just watching TV, he left the room and I decided to roll myself a cigarette and I just remember picking up the packet and thinking 'This doesn't feel or look like its actually real', and so I kept examining it and trying to look at it harder and it just would not look real to me. So I looked round the rest of the room and still, nothing felt real.
Now I have read a lot of accounts of people who say they have derealisation and they feel that the outside world looks 'strange' or 'cartoonish' or 'distorted' or something. To me I can relate to the whole idea of looking through a pane of glass or being stuck behind something, as well as the world just seeming more dull(I think I also might suffer from brain fog, ie. my vision can seem a bit grainy or something but by now I can't remember what it used to be like), but the main thing that really gets to me is the whole thing that NOTHING I can see in this image being sent to my brain seems real. Nothing seems 'cartoonish' or different to how it was in any way, just that NOTHING FEELS REAL, and it has been gradually been killing me inside since the day it came over me.
I can see how the concept of NOTHING FEELS REAL is infinitely hard to grasp until it is experienced, if someone would have explained it to me before I had it I wouldn't have had a clue how to imagine it.
At first I tried to ignore it, however at the same time I believed I was going insane, and I still believe to this day that this isolation of being stuck in my mind without having a connection to the world is slowly sending me insane anyway, even if this derealisation isn't actually insanity.
This feeling has been 24/7 from the moment I wake to the moment I go to sleep for the past 5/6 years, I have gradually become more distant from friends as I just cannot be entertaining to be around anymore and I am just majorly awkward, I haven't actually made any new connections to anyone for at least 4/5 years since as this really took hold of me I just cannot think about anything else, it plagues me every day.
Everything I do just leads back to the thought cycle of trying to work out what caused this, why nothing feels real, it will be like 'Oh I should do this'... 'But its just not real' kind of thing, everything loops back to the same thought of how NOTHING FEELS REAL.
Since this happened to me I have accumulated numerous other problems as well..... depression, anxiety, severe social anxiety (I had this slightly before), ETD (which some people believe may be related), low self-esteem, a massive lack of motivation that there is any point in anything if it does not seem real.
I will just add in that I have also done salvia once which was a bad experience and as I have heard this can act on the opioid receptors changing states of consciousness etc.
I regret that even after the derealisation took over me, I continued to smoke weed(It wasn't until recently that I read any tips for recovery from this) because I wasn't sure what had exactly caused it or when it had happened, and I still don't. So from the age of 15/16 until one month ago (age 21) I have smoked weed near enough every day and honestly, I didn't really enjoy it, it was just a habit and every person that I have known from that age has smoked it, I almost saw it as a challenge to not become anxious and fucked up every time I smoked it, like I didn't want to accept that I no longer enjoyed it like I once used to. One month ago I decided to make this one last effort to try and get rid of this, I have not smoked weed for 1 month and have been taking a list of supplements:
- L-Tyrosine (1500mg)
- 5-HTP (200mg)
- B-Complex
- Magnesium
- Omega 3 6 9
- Omega 3
- Multivitamin
- Vitamin C
When I quit smoking weed I noticed an improvement in myself, I felt sharper, but this UNREALITY still does not shift. - I have quit weed previously for 2 1/2 months before I knew about the disorder and it didn't go away then either.
I am now at university and I don't know how I have managed to even get here, never mind get through the first year with a 'best undergrad on course' certificate in the state I have been in since 15/16 years old. Now at university I am in the second year and I didn't make one friend/aquaintance, I think I actually seem half-dead to other people, this is reinforced that old 'friends' that I used to have basically turned against me, labeling me as crazy basically. It was said that I 'didn't have a personality' amidst other things which just reinforced that I was not what I once was. (I probably didn't have a personality by this point) Everything I have completed since being in year 11 at high school (UK) has been in this state and it doesn't really feel that it has actually happened, I just go day by day and not one of those days have I not thought about and experienced this UNREALITY OF EVERYTHING AROUND ME.
I believe at first I also experienced the chronic depersonalisation, but now I'm not even sure if that is a part of it or not? Although I do look down at my body and that also does not seem real so maybe that is depersonalisation too, 'life' just seems to drift by meaninglessly nowadays and I can't even really make sense of anything I feel anyway so it is quite hard to choose words to describe it.
One thing I noticed people saying is that they are numb to emotion, I would ask, is this only positive emotions that cannot be felt? Because I have not felt happiness or any other positive emotion for many years but I can definitely feel negative emotions, albeit not in the same manner as before the derealisation.
Basically I am just looking for help, guidance, or anyone who has experienced this horrible sense of not being able to be in contact with the world, can anyone confirm that this is indeed derealisation?
I am sorry if some of this does not make much sense but after 5/6 years of suffering with this unreal 'life' I have so much to try and express out in one thread, I also typed this out straight in about an hour.
I thank anyone who is still reading at this point, but if there is anyone out there in my situation I am sure you will as I have read numerous threads, each and every word.
I have promised myself that if I ever get out of this mess I will devote a lot of my time to helping others in similar situations.
Thank you in advance for any replies/help, and if anyone wishes to chat privately you are more than welcome, I haven't conversed with anyone who has the same symptoms as me and it may be a relief to do so.
Edit: Just wanted to try and get some views on the whole gradual onset of this, and not being able to pin point when it happened, what could this mean? Does this change the recovery? etc. Thanks
Okay, so this is my first post on this forum, on any forum in fact. I am however a chronic reader of the website and have read my way through hundreds if not thousands of threads to search for answers. Considering this (what I assume is derealisation and maybe slight depersonalisation) has dominated my 'life' for at least 5, going on 6 years now I decided it has to be time to share my story. (And I just want to say that if there is anyone out there reading this who is suffering from these symptoms, please give your input, I refrained for years but I believe it could be beneficial to many)
This is my last bit of hope I have for experiencing reality once more and I hope some of you guys might be able to help, or relate to my symptoms/story to put my mind at rest that recovery is a possibility for me. (If it is not I honestly don't think I could carry on) I know this may sound silly considering I have never actually tried to get help for this before but I always just assumed that it would go away on its own if it was going to.
Right, so I started smoking the oh so familiar weed at the age of 14 (2007), I'm sure that for at least the first year or longer it never caused me problems and I only ever remember having good times whilst smoking it, however having such an addictive personality that I did it quickly became a big part of my life and I began smoking it near enough every day.
Just to clarify, at this age I was a guy who was very content within myself and I recall having thoughts like 'I wouldn't want to be anyone else I am happy with who I am', not exactly those words but you get the idea. Little did I know what I would become..
Alright so this is where it gets a little confusing, as I cannot remember the exact onset of my derealisation, I sort of remember it being gradual, like sometimes I would notice 'Wait, I don't feel right' and at first I couldn't put my finger on it. Furthermore, at the age of 16 in June 2009, I took part in tripping on LSD, by this point I was already drunk and had been smoking so otherwise I would not have normally done this. To add, it was also quite a large dose but I couldn't state the amount exactly, maybe around 10 times a normal dose which resulted in a bad trip around 3 hours in.
The thing that plagues me here is that I believe that I had become derealised before this event but I cannot say 100% for sure, so my brain is in a constant battle and I can't find closure to what really caused me to feel how I do today.
All I know is that when it first came over me all I did was try to ignore it as I didn't want to tell anyone and for them to think I was crazy.
Okay so probably about time to explain the symptoms...
I can recall a few moments in my past from the early stages of this illness where I noticed a feeling, but one day it truly hit me...chronically from then until now. I remember sitting on my friends bed with him just watching TV, he left the room and I decided to roll myself a cigarette and I just remember picking up the packet and thinking 'This doesn't feel or look like its actually real', and so I kept examining it and trying to look at it harder and it just would not look real to me. So I looked round the rest of the room and still, nothing felt real.
Now I have read a lot of accounts of people who say they have derealisation and they feel that the outside world looks 'strange' or 'cartoonish' or 'distorted' or something. To me I can relate to the whole idea of looking through a pane of glass or being stuck behind something, as well as the world just seeming more dull(I think I also might suffer from brain fog, ie. my vision can seem a bit grainy or something but by now I can't remember what it used to be like), but the main thing that really gets to me is the whole thing that NOTHING I can see in this image being sent to my brain seems real. Nothing seems 'cartoonish' or different to how it was in any way, just that NOTHING FEELS REAL, and it has been gradually been killing me inside since the day it came over me.
I can see how the concept of NOTHING FEELS REAL is infinitely hard to grasp until it is experienced, if someone would have explained it to me before I had it I wouldn't have had a clue how to imagine it.
At first I tried to ignore it, however at the same time I believed I was going insane, and I still believe to this day that this isolation of being stuck in my mind without having a connection to the world is slowly sending me insane anyway, even if this derealisation isn't actually insanity.
This feeling has been 24/7 from the moment I wake to the moment I go to sleep for the past 5/6 years, I have gradually become more distant from friends as I just cannot be entertaining to be around anymore and I am just majorly awkward, I haven't actually made any new connections to anyone for at least 4/5 years since as this really took hold of me I just cannot think about anything else, it plagues me every day.
Everything I do just leads back to the thought cycle of trying to work out what caused this, why nothing feels real, it will be like 'Oh I should do this'... 'But its just not real' kind of thing, everything loops back to the same thought of how NOTHING FEELS REAL.
Since this happened to me I have accumulated numerous other problems as well..... depression, anxiety, severe social anxiety (I had this slightly before), ETD (which some people believe may be related), low self-esteem, a massive lack of motivation that there is any point in anything if it does not seem real.
I will just add in that I have also done salvia once which was a bad experience and as I have heard this can act on the opioid receptors changing states of consciousness etc.
I regret that even after the derealisation took over me, I continued to smoke weed(It wasn't until recently that I read any tips for recovery from this) because I wasn't sure what had exactly caused it or when it had happened, and I still don't. So from the age of 15/16 until one month ago (age 21) I have smoked weed near enough every day and honestly, I didn't really enjoy it, it was just a habit and every person that I have known from that age has smoked it, I almost saw it as a challenge to not become anxious and fucked up every time I smoked it, like I didn't want to accept that I no longer enjoyed it like I once used to. One month ago I decided to make this one last effort to try and get rid of this, I have not smoked weed for 1 month and have been taking a list of supplements:
- L-Tyrosine (1500mg)
- 5-HTP (200mg)
- B-Complex
- Magnesium
- Omega 3 6 9
- Omega 3
- Multivitamin
- Vitamin C
When I quit smoking weed I noticed an improvement in myself, I felt sharper, but this UNREALITY still does not shift. - I have quit weed previously for 2 1/2 months before I knew about the disorder and it didn't go away then either.
I am now at university and I don't know how I have managed to even get here, never mind get through the first year with a 'best undergrad on course' certificate in the state I have been in since 15/16 years old. Now at university I am in the second year and I didn't make one friend/aquaintance, I think I actually seem half-dead to other people, this is reinforced that old 'friends' that I used to have basically turned against me, labeling me as crazy basically. It was said that I 'didn't have a personality' amidst other things which just reinforced that I was not what I once was. (I probably didn't have a personality by this point) Everything I have completed since being in year 11 at high school (UK) has been in this state and it doesn't really feel that it has actually happened, I just go day by day and not one of those days have I not thought about and experienced this UNREALITY OF EVERYTHING AROUND ME.
I believe at first I also experienced the chronic depersonalisation, but now I'm not even sure if that is a part of it or not? Although I do look down at my body and that also does not seem real so maybe that is depersonalisation too, 'life' just seems to drift by meaninglessly nowadays and I can't even really make sense of anything I feel anyway so it is quite hard to choose words to describe it.
One thing I noticed people saying is that they are numb to emotion, I would ask, is this only positive emotions that cannot be felt? Because I have not felt happiness or any other positive emotion for many years but I can definitely feel negative emotions, albeit not in the same manner as before the derealisation.
Basically I am just looking for help, guidance, or anyone who has experienced this horrible sense of not being able to be in contact with the world, can anyone confirm that this is indeed derealisation?
I am sorry if some of this does not make much sense but after 5/6 years of suffering with this unreal 'life' I have so much to try and express out in one thread, I also typed this out straight in about an hour.
I thank anyone who is still reading at this point, but if there is anyone out there in my situation I am sure you will as I have read numerous threads, each and every word.
I have promised myself that if I ever get out of this mess I will devote a lot of my time to helping others in similar situations.
Thank you in advance for any replies/help, and if anyone wishes to chat privately you are more than welcome, I haven't conversed with anyone who has the same symptoms as me and it may be a relief to do so.
Edit: Just wanted to try and get some views on the whole gradual onset of this, and not being able to pin point when it happened, what could this mean? Does this change the recovery? etc. Thanks
