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Finding one's "I-feeling", the taste of I and me, the self-taste, especially when one has been desperately craving for it for a long time, for me for forty years, is a very very precious moment. I have kept that hope alive, studied, meditated, searched, researched, went on living an "as if" life, building one's family, keeping up a facade, and still fighting this dark enemy silently, unknown to the world for forty plus long years.

Everyone reading this should keep the hope alive, that is the weapon to fight this unimaginably powerful enemy. I have kept the fight alive along with college teaching, achievement of high academic positions, carrying on of dp research, weathering financial crisis, enduring family problems of great severity and misunderstanding by people, and so on...yet the fight went on silently with the hope that the victory would come at least a day before my death.

I have kept the fight alive for the last forty plus years and finally it is dawning, slowly, surely. I have kept a record of the mammoth fight in journals running into more than 10,000 pages, the dark volumes, out of which I would like to bring out a single volume of hope and endurance, a green book.

If it takes ten more years for full recovery, I am ready to wait. But as things stand it may not be necessary to wait too long. Things look brighter every day and it fills me with joy that the prize is worth the long years of struggle, patient, very patient, maddeningly patient waiting, innumerable days of study, soul searching, probing the depth of the darkness using the utmost fiber of one's creative urge and potentialities, to the last drop of endurance.

Good wishes for a speedy recovery and hope.
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