As I'm writing this the brainfog I am experiencing is near unbearable. In fact, I don't even know how I'm able to formulate sentences. Maybe it's a completely automatic process, maybe there's a part of my brain I can access even if I am not aware of it... I do not know.
For now, let's say my name is Mark. I am 18 years old and I've been struggling with depersonalization for about 6 years now.
It all started back in 2012, when I went to a summer vacation with my family. One night, while I was just laying in my bed, it hit me. Out of the blue. I haven't taken any medication, maybe it was exhaustion from the trip, I don't know, but one thing I do know is that my life from that point onward was simply not the same. For the first 2 hours or so after I got depresonalized, I was panicking and crying. My father was sitting next to me with a worried expression on the outside lawn chairs at roughly 2 in the morning. "It's not real!" I kept telling him. He must have thought I was crazy. I thought so as well. "I don't feel like anything's real!" I'd continue. I felt depersonalization before, a small dose of it at least, every time I was tired or anxious. But this time, it was so incredibly worse. I thought it would go away if I got some sleep, but it never did. I spent the next few years researching depersonalization in my free time and I found it was heavily related to adrenaline and anxiousness. I didn't want to investigate any further, since I felt that it might just go away on its own. Besides, I didn't want to get drugged up at the doctor's office. That's their go to solution so many times, but I didn't feel like numbing me down even more was a reasonable solution.
But, despite my best intentions, my life started taking a huge hit. Due to my brain fogginess, my cognitive abilities dropped significantly. My grades started to let up, I couldn't study. In fact, I couldn't concentrate on a single thing. It felt like, and it still does feel, like the world is getting more and more confusing, scary and harder to grasp and comprehend as time goes on. My socializing took a huge hit as well, I am always so spaced out that my peers cannot relate to me. Often times I'd do or say something stupid just to try and form some kind of connection, but I couldn't, and cannot, think good enough for even something like that.
As time went on, my life became a bigger and bigger mess. I somehow managed to get through middle school, and immediately dropped out of highschool after just a week or so. I couldn't handle all the stress, aside from having constant non ending brain fog I also had panic attacks on the regular. My mom tried taking me to a doctor a few times, but unfortunately I have huge trust issues, and I would never feel comfortable talking about my problems, so I never did. I feel like my life's a fucking mess right now (apologies if I am not allowed to swear) and I fear it will only get worse. I've been going through this for 6 years now, and I haven't had a single damn day when my derealization/depersonalization let up. I was so so afraid when I was younger, but at this point I am just desperate to get better.
I don't know why exactly I'm reaching out to other people at this point in my life, especially with how much time's passed. Maybe I am grasping at straws. But I know one thing and one thing only: I cannot function as long as I have this brain fog. I'd try and avoid life due to my condition, and so far I was lucky enough to have someone to provide for me. But I am an adult now. I will have to start working for myself and building a life for myself. I cannot accomplish that while I'm in this dream like, nothing-feels-real state. So, be it desperation or just wishful thinking that it's going to get better, I'm reaching out to all of you. I hope I get better, and I hope you guys get better as well. This feeling is one of the worst feelings someone can feel. The sad thing is, I don't even remember what it's like to feel normal and real.
For now, let's say my name is Mark. I am 18 years old and I've been struggling with depersonalization for about 6 years now.
It all started back in 2012, when I went to a summer vacation with my family. One night, while I was just laying in my bed, it hit me. Out of the blue. I haven't taken any medication, maybe it was exhaustion from the trip, I don't know, but one thing I do know is that my life from that point onward was simply not the same. For the first 2 hours or so after I got depresonalized, I was panicking and crying. My father was sitting next to me with a worried expression on the outside lawn chairs at roughly 2 in the morning. "It's not real!" I kept telling him. He must have thought I was crazy. I thought so as well. "I don't feel like anything's real!" I'd continue. I felt depersonalization before, a small dose of it at least, every time I was tired or anxious. But this time, it was so incredibly worse. I thought it would go away if I got some sleep, but it never did. I spent the next few years researching depersonalization in my free time and I found it was heavily related to adrenaline and anxiousness. I didn't want to investigate any further, since I felt that it might just go away on its own. Besides, I didn't want to get drugged up at the doctor's office. That's their go to solution so many times, but I didn't feel like numbing me down even more was a reasonable solution.
But, despite my best intentions, my life started taking a huge hit. Due to my brain fogginess, my cognitive abilities dropped significantly. My grades started to let up, I couldn't study. In fact, I couldn't concentrate on a single thing. It felt like, and it still does feel, like the world is getting more and more confusing, scary and harder to grasp and comprehend as time goes on. My socializing took a huge hit as well, I am always so spaced out that my peers cannot relate to me. Often times I'd do or say something stupid just to try and form some kind of connection, but I couldn't, and cannot, think good enough for even something like that.
As time went on, my life became a bigger and bigger mess. I somehow managed to get through middle school, and immediately dropped out of highschool after just a week or so. I couldn't handle all the stress, aside from having constant non ending brain fog I also had panic attacks on the regular. My mom tried taking me to a doctor a few times, but unfortunately I have huge trust issues, and I would never feel comfortable talking about my problems, so I never did. I feel like my life's a fucking mess right now (apologies if I am not allowed to swear) and I fear it will only get worse. I've been going through this for 6 years now, and I haven't had a single damn day when my derealization/depersonalization let up. I was so so afraid when I was younger, but at this point I am just desperate to get better.
I don't know why exactly I'm reaching out to other people at this point in my life, especially with how much time's passed. Maybe I am grasping at straws. But I know one thing and one thing only: I cannot function as long as I have this brain fog. I'd try and avoid life due to my condition, and so far I was lucky enough to have someone to provide for me. But I am an adult now. I will have to start working for myself and building a life for myself. I cannot accomplish that while I'm in this dream like, nothing-feels-real state. So, be it desperation or just wishful thinking that it's going to get better, I'm reaching out to all of you. I hope I get better, and I hope you guys get better as well. This feeling is one of the worst feelings someone can feel. The sad thing is, I don't even remember what it's like to feel normal and real.
