[ryan165]

Forgive my impertinence, but I am not a sufferer of depersonalization. I am struggling to understand it.

My wife of 16 years had an affair during the summer two years ago and continued it (even after my discovery) for another several months. She insists that she was just sexting the guy, even though their conversation (I have all the text messages) makes it clear what was actually happening, coupled with the fact that she was bragging to her friends about it. She passed a polygraph with the help of five lorazepamshe got from friends, and bragged about cheating the test to her friends. Still she insists nothing happened. I have a recording of them having sex, and still she denies it.

Of course, I am to blame for it all. If only I had paid her more attention, etc. Standard stuff.

Despite all this, we have stayed together, but it is getting more and more difficult to do so as I am confident that she is lying to me and I just can't take the continued torment of not knowing what happened and having her lie to me. There is an awful lot of resentment and bitterness built up here and I am just not getting over it. She is quite a proficient liar and I see this in many other aspects of our lives.

So to the point, in the last six months or so, she has been claiming that she has depersonalization. And I caused it because I was lacklustre and inattentive husband, I guess. She claims that it directly caused her affair and she depersonalized only when she was with her affair partner and so it was like watching someone else "do things" with this man. This is the closest she has gotten to admitting to having sex with him. In short, she is not responsible for what she was doing and had no control over herself because depersonalization. She claims that it has given her amnesia, so she has no memory of things that happened, or of reaching out to him, etc. She was seeing a psychiatrist who she says diagnosed her with this. She had, prior to the affair, told me she was seeing this psychiatrist for depression only. Nonetheless, she has been prescribed lamotrigine, which as I understand it, is sometimes used off-label for depersonalization.

Is any of this plausible? I feel like this is could be a manipulative game that she is playing, but I don't know enough about this disorder to say and of course I have no visibility into her medical history. She wants me to attend a session with her psychiatrist so that he can explain to me that all of this is a result of depersonalization. This is a new psychiatrist though, as the old one retired and never passed her on to anyone else. She only expressed an interest in seeing a new psychiatrist after she started pushing this argument on to me.

I have been to two therapists in the last two years and spoken with them and they are highly sceptical. They suggest that while she may have it, it does not work the way she seems to be claiming it does. They also suggest that if she were truly depersonalizing to such an extent, not only would she be one in a million, she would be under a lot more careful observation by her psychiatrist and would likely have been passed to someone else when her previous caretaker retired.

Also, is depersonalization something you would expect a spouse to see or notice? Is it generally obvious to the people you are around when you are depersonalizing? Do you otherwise carry on a normal life, work, etc?

Am I crazy? Or am I just being gaslighted and manipulated? I sure feel crazy these days.

 

[ameliaaria]

It is possible that your wife is experiencing depersonalization, but it is also possible that she is using it as an excuse for her behavior or to avoid taking responsibility for her actions. It is important to note that depersonalization alone is not considered a sufficient explanation for infidelity and it would not change the fact that an affair occurred. It is also important to note that depersonalization symptoms are not necessarily obvious to people around the person experiencing them, but there can be changes in behavior, mood, and functioning. It is important for you to seek professional help for yourself, whether it is through therapy or counseling. It would also be beneficial for you and your wife to attend couples therapy together with a therapist who has experience in dealing with infidelity issues. This can provide a safe space for you to process your feelings and gain a deeper understanding of what has happened. It's important to consider that you are not crazy, and you might be a victim of gaslighting and manipulation. It's a difficult and painful experience but seeking professional help can help you gain insight and clarity on the situation.

 

[Samzone]

This was a rollercoaster to read. Wow... I am sorry you are going trough this, buddy. I will try to be as objective as I can, trying to look at the situation from both sides. It is certainly plausible that if her needs are not being met in the relationship, it could give her anxiety which can trigger or worsen existing depersonalization. But in my opinion, she would have to be very unfulfilled if that was the sole reason.

What I absolutely refuse to believe, is that the DP somehow caused her cheating. DP is not split personality disorder or psychosis. You are perfectly sane and in control of your actions, even if you don't feel like yourself. Even the amnesia and not remembering anything about the cheating I am very unconvinced because DP does not cause amnesia to that extend, and even if it did, she would have to be so massively depersonalized she would not even want to be intimate with anyone.


Judging from her history of being deceitful, I think you know the answer deep inside my friend

 

[NoDevils]

The fact you submitted your wife to a polygraph test instead of going to counseling or divorcing her is concerning. The fact that she's not taking accountability for anything has me preferring divorce.

This woman is abusive and you seem obsessive.

Whether or not she's making the depersonalization up is irrelevant because you already know her to be an untrustworthy person. It's just a new thing for you to obsess about.

Depersonalization isn't noticeable. Dissociation in general might manifest as inattentiveness or strange behavior. Depersonalization isn't an excuse for immoral or illegal behavior because it doesn't interfere with reality testing, far as I understand.

 

[ryan165]

The fact you submitted your wife to a polygraph test instead of going to counseling or divorcing her is concerning. The fact that she's not taking accountability for anything has me preferring divorce.

This woman is abusive and you seem obsessive.

Whether or not she's making the depersonalization up is irrelevant because you already know her to be an untrustworthy person. It's just a new thing for you to obsess about.

Depersonalization isn't noticeable. Dissociation in general might manifest as inattentiveness or strange behavior. Depersonalization isn't an excuse for immoral or illegal behavior because it doesn't interfere with reality testing, far as I understand.

The polygraph test was, in fact, her idea. She told her affair partner that she was going to game it by asking questions that were tangential to the real issue since you get to write your own questions.

And obsessive, yes. Rumination, second-guessing and obsessiveness is unfortunately a pretty standard response infidelity, gaslighting, and lying.

We also did do marriage counselling afterwards. Five sessions. Once she got me to recommit to making it work, that very night while we were having sex she was texting her affair partner trying to set up a hookup with him the following week.

 

[ryan165]

It is possible that your wife is experiencing depersonalization, but it is also possible that she is using it as an excuse for her behavior or to avoid taking responsibility for her actions. It is important to note that depersonalization alone is not considered a sufficient explanation for infidelity and it would not change the fact that an affair occurred. It is also important to note that depersonalization symptoms are not necessarily obvious to people around the person experiencing them, but there can be changes in behavior, mood, and functioning. It is important for you to seek professional help for yourself, whether it is through therapy or counseling. It would also be beneficial for you and your wife to attend couples therapy together with a therapist who has experience in dealing with infidelity issues. This can provide a safe space for you to process your feelings and gain a deeper understanding of what has happened. It's important to consider that you are not crazy, and you might be a victim of gaslighting and manipulation. It's a difficult and painful experience but seeking professional help can help you gain insight and clarity on the situation.

Thank you for your response. We did do couples counselling. It didn't help her with accountability. Much of the affair was glossed over in favour of examining the marriage prior, which while not irrelevant, didn't really address accountability nor the veracity of her story.

Part of the problem is that she won't even acknowledge it as an affair. She alternates between saying that "in my mind, we were separated", though she spoke nothing of separation prior, during, or even after the affair and continued to say "I love you", continued to hug me and kiss me, and have sex with me while her affair was ongoing and "I didn't cheat because I wasn't in control of my actions".

 

[NoDevils]

The polygraph test was, in fact, her idea. She told her affair partner that she was going to game it by asking questions that were tangential to the real issue since you get to write your own questions.

And obsessive, yes. Rumination, second-guessing and obsessiveness is unfortunately a pretty standard response infidelity, gaslighting, and lying.

We also did do marriage counselling afterwards. Five sessions. Once she got me to recommit to making it work, that very night while we were having sex she was texting her affair partner trying to set up a hookup with him the following week.

If your partner is this A.) evil, and B.) unwilling to improve your relationship, your job is to quietly collect evidence of her infidelity as well as any abuse she might be committing against you and then file for divorce.

 

[Trith]

Same here. She is right with the fact that in general when you have DPDR people around can't tell. She is partly right about the fact that amnesia can happen in some severe dissociative disorders, but it is very rare. And for example, in the hundreds of posts I have seen here in the forum this never came up a single time. I have heard about it only in cases of people who got dissociative identity disorders after having gone through absolutely horrific trauma, like one who was repeatedly raped in a cult, including by her father, and this sort of things. And even her, she had multiple personalities but only had some DPDR episodes. This just shows she has done a little research about this and is taking her chance.
But this thing with cheating and not remembering, depersonalization doesn't do that. I don't know her, but all the details you give seem to show this is a very manipulative person who cannot be held accountable and this is way more frequent than DPDR, let alone dissociative amnesia. Also you don't get DPDR by having your partner not give you enough attention, this is just laughable. She's basically saying "it's not my fault, it's because you did not pay attention to me, also it's because I am sick and not in control of my action, also if I am sick it's your fault too". Classic anti-social behavior in my opinion (edit: I actually don't know that much about psychology). I'm not a specialist, but her lies and bragging are so daring, it sounds like a totally remorseful person who just uses and manipulates people to her advantage. Nice people want to have empathy for them, but they regard empathy as a weakness and so they don't deserve any. They laugh at you inside for letting yourself be manipulated.

 

[nocturnalman]

Sex with another person when she is married is a reason for immediate divorce no questions asked