G
Guest
·I've compiled a list of Deep Thoughts that are some of my favorites from various websites on the net. You can just google jack handy if you want more. 
Here they are:
One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to
take my nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an
oldburned-out warehouse. "Oh no," I said, "Disneyland burned down." He
criedand cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a pretty
good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was
getting pretty late.
The next time I have meat and mashed potatoes, I think I'll put a very
large blob of potatoes on my plate with just a little piece of meat.
And if someone asks me why I didn't get more meat, I'll just say, "Oh,
you mean this?" and pull out a big piece of meat from inside the blob
of potatoes, where I've hidden it. Good magic trick, huh?
At first I thought, if I were Superman, a perfect secret identity
would be "Clark Kent, Dentist," because you could save money on tooth
X-rays. But then I thought, if a patient said, "How's my back tooth?"
and you just looked at it with your X-ray vision and said, "Oh it's
okay," then the patient would probably say, "Aren't you going to take
an X-ray, stupid?" and you'd say, "Aw fuck you, get outta here," and
then he probably wouldn't even pay his bill.
Instead of having "answers" on a math test, they should just call them
"impressions," and if you got a different "impression," so what, can't
we all be brothers?
Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first
instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant and she
fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.
What is it about a beautiful sunny afternoon, with the birds singing
and the wind rustling through the leaves, that makes you want to get
drunk? And after you're real drunk, maybe go down to the public park
and stagger around and ask people for money, and then lay down and go
to sleep.
I remember how my great-uncle Jerry would sit on the porch and whittle
all day long. Once he whittled me a toy boat out of a larger toy boat
I had. It was almost as good as the first one, except now it had bumpy
whittle marks all over it. And no paint, because he had whittled off
the paint.
Here's a good thing to do if you go to a party and you don't know
anybody: First take out the garbage. Then go around and collect any
extra garbage that people might have, like a crumpled napkin, and take
that out too. Pretty soon people will want to meet the busy garbage
guy.
Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo,
flying across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he's carrying a
beautiful rose in his beak, and also he's carrying a
very beautiful painting with his feet. And also, you're drunk.
To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've
wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I
went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad.
Here's a good gag if you go swimming in a swamp and when you come out
you're all covered with leeches. Just say, "Hey, has anybody seen my
raisins?" (Because leeches kind of look like big raisins.)
If you're robbing a bank and your pants fall down, I think it's okay
to laugh and to let the hostages laugh too, because, come on, life is
funny.
In weightlifting, I don't think sudden, uncontrolled urination should
automatically disqualify you.
Only the Japanese could improve on bungee jumping.....It's now cordless.
Better not take a dog on the space shuttle, because if he sticks his
head out when you're coming home his face might burn up.
It's true that every time you hear a bell, an angel gets its wings.
But what they don't tell you is that every time you hear a mouse trap
snap, and Angel gets set on fire.
If I was the head of a country that lost a war, and I had to sign a
peace treaty, just as I was signing, I'd glance over the treaty and
then suddenly act surprised. "Wait a minute! I thought we won!"
If your friend is already dead, and being eaten by vultures, I think
it's okay to feed some bits of your friend to one of the vultures, to
teach him to do some tricks. But only if you're serious about adopting
the vulture.
Sometimes I think you have to march right in and demand your rights,
even if you don't know what your rights are, or who the person is
you're talking to. Then on the way out, slam the door.
If you're a boxing referee, it's probably illegal to wear a bow tie
that spins or changes colors.
I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate.
And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect
it.
If life deals you lemons, why not go kill someone with the lemons
(maybe by shoving them down his throat).
A funny thing to do is, if you're out hiking and your friend gets
bitten by a poisonous snake, tell him you're going to go for help,
then go about ten feet and pretend that *you* got bit by a snake. Then
start an argument with him about who's going to go get help. A lot of
guys will start crying. That's why it makes you feel good when you
tell them it was just a joke.
Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is
why several of us died of tuberculosis.
Folks still remember the day ole Bob Riley came bouncing down that
dirt road in his pickup. Pretty soon, it was bouncing higher and
higher. The tires popped, and the shocks broke, but that truck kept
bouncing. Some say it bounced clean over the moon, but whoever says
that is a goddamn liar.
Here's a good trick: Get a job as a judge at the Olympics. Then, if
some guy sets a world record, pretend that you didn't see it and go,
"Okay, is everybody ready to start now?"
Higher beings from outer space may not want to tell us the secrets of
life, because we're not ready. But maybe they'll change their tune
after a little torture.
Happiness is not a circus clown rolling around in a big tractor tire
so that his arms and legs form "spokes." Happiness is when he stops.
He was a spy, all right, and he knew it. He would walk into a room and
people would go, "Who is that guy, a spy?" He'd laugh to himself,
maybe pull out his gun and show it to the person, to kind of impress
him (but not to show off). Sometimes spying was dirty work. Sometimes
he'd kill a guy, then paint a clown face on his face. Nobody said he
had to do that, but he did it anyway. So, dirty work.
I think a good scene in a movie would be where one scientist tells
another scientist, "You know what will save the world? You're holding
it in your hand." And the other scientist looks, and in his hand are
peanuts. Then when he looks up, the first scientist is being taken
away to the insane asylum.
Instead of studying for finals, what about just going to the Bahamas
and catching some rays? Maybe you'll flunk, but you might have flunked
anyway; that's my point.
If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flippy, which one would you
think liked dolphins the most? I'd say Flippy, wouldn't you? You'd be
wrong, though. It's Hambone.
I remember that one fateful day when Coach took me aside. I knew what
was coming. "You don't have to tell me," I said. "I'm off the team,
aren't I?" "Well," said Coach, "you never were really ON the team. You
made that uniform you're wearing out of rags and towels, and your
helmet is a toy space helmet. You show up at practice and then either
steal the ball and make us chase you to get it back, or you try to
tackle people at inappropriate times." It was all true what he was
saying. And yet, I thought something is brewing inside the head of
this Coach. He sees something in me, some kind of raw talent that he
can mould. But that's when I felt the handcuffs go on.
I can still recall old Mister Barnslow getting out every morning and
nailing a fresh load of tadpoles to the old board of his. Then he'd
spin it round and round, like a wheel of fortune, and no matter where
it stopped he'd yell out, "Tadpoles! Tadpoles is a winner!" We all
thought he was crazy. But then we had some growing up to do.
If you're at Thanksgiving dinner, but you don't like the stuffing or
the cranberry sauce or anything else, just pretend like you're eating
it, but instead, put it all in your lap and form it into a big mushy
ball. Then, later, when you're out back having cigars with the boys,
let out a big fake cough and throw the ball to the ground. Then say,
"Boy, these are good cigars!"
If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe
you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because,
hey, free dummy.
I bet it's hard to break farmers of the old superstitions like
"Tornado got Old Yeller, stay in the cellar."
Too bad when I was a kid there wasn't a guy in our class that
everybody called the "Cricket Boy", because I would have liked to
stand up in class and tell everybody, "You can make fun of the Cricket
Boy if you want to, but to me he's just like everybody else." Then
everybody would leave the Cricket Boy alone, and I'd invite him over
to spend the night at my house, but after about five minutes of that
loud chirping I'd have to kick him out.
Here they are:
One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to
take my nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an
oldburned-out warehouse. "Oh no," I said, "Disneyland burned down." He
criedand cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a pretty
good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was
getting pretty late.
The next time I have meat and mashed potatoes, I think I'll put a very
large blob of potatoes on my plate with just a little piece of meat.
And if someone asks me why I didn't get more meat, I'll just say, "Oh,
you mean this?" and pull out a big piece of meat from inside the blob
of potatoes, where I've hidden it. Good magic trick, huh?
At first I thought, if I were Superman, a perfect secret identity
would be "Clark Kent, Dentist," because you could save money on tooth
X-rays. But then I thought, if a patient said, "How's my back tooth?"
and you just looked at it with your X-ray vision and said, "Oh it's
okay," then the patient would probably say, "Aren't you going to take
an X-ray, stupid?" and you'd say, "Aw fuck you, get outta here," and
then he probably wouldn't even pay his bill.
Instead of having "answers" on a math test, they should just call them
"impressions," and if you got a different "impression," so what, can't
we all be brothers?
Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first
instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant and she
fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.
What is it about a beautiful sunny afternoon, with the birds singing
and the wind rustling through the leaves, that makes you want to get
drunk? And after you're real drunk, maybe go down to the public park
and stagger around and ask people for money, and then lay down and go
to sleep.
I remember how my great-uncle Jerry would sit on the porch and whittle
all day long. Once he whittled me a toy boat out of a larger toy boat
I had. It was almost as good as the first one, except now it had bumpy
whittle marks all over it. And no paint, because he had whittled off
the paint.
Here's a good thing to do if you go to a party and you don't know
anybody: First take out the garbage. Then go around and collect any
extra garbage that people might have, like a crumpled napkin, and take
that out too. Pretty soon people will want to meet the busy garbage
guy.
Is there anything more beautiful than a beautiful, beautiful flamingo,
flying across in front of a beautiful sunset? And he's carrying a
beautiful rose in his beak, and also he's carrying a
very beautiful painting with his feet. And also, you're drunk.
To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've
wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I
went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad.
Here's a good gag if you go swimming in a swamp and when you come out
you're all covered with leeches. Just say, "Hey, has anybody seen my
raisins?" (Because leeches kind of look like big raisins.)
If you're robbing a bank and your pants fall down, I think it's okay
to laugh and to let the hostages laugh too, because, come on, life is
funny.
In weightlifting, I don't think sudden, uncontrolled urination should
automatically disqualify you.
Only the Japanese could improve on bungee jumping.....It's now cordless.
Better not take a dog on the space shuttle, because if he sticks his
head out when you're coming home his face might burn up.
It's true that every time you hear a bell, an angel gets its wings.
But what they don't tell you is that every time you hear a mouse trap
snap, and Angel gets set on fire.
If I was the head of a country that lost a war, and I had to sign a
peace treaty, just as I was signing, I'd glance over the treaty and
then suddenly act surprised. "Wait a minute! I thought we won!"
If your friend is already dead, and being eaten by vultures, I think
it's okay to feed some bits of your friend to one of the vultures, to
teach him to do some tricks. But only if you're serious about adopting
the vulture.
Sometimes I think you have to march right in and demand your rights,
even if you don't know what your rights are, or who the person is
you're talking to. Then on the way out, slam the door.
If you're a boxing referee, it's probably illegal to wear a bow tie
that spins or changes colors.
I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate.
And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect
it.
If life deals you lemons, why not go kill someone with the lemons
(maybe by shoving them down his throat).
A funny thing to do is, if you're out hiking and your friend gets
bitten by a poisonous snake, tell him you're going to go for help,
then go about ten feet and pretend that *you* got bit by a snake. Then
start an argument with him about who's going to go get help. A lot of
guys will start crying. That's why it makes you feel good when you
tell them it was just a joke.
Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is
why several of us died of tuberculosis.
Folks still remember the day ole Bob Riley came bouncing down that
dirt road in his pickup. Pretty soon, it was bouncing higher and
higher. The tires popped, and the shocks broke, but that truck kept
bouncing. Some say it bounced clean over the moon, but whoever says
that is a goddamn liar.
Here's a good trick: Get a job as a judge at the Olympics. Then, if
some guy sets a world record, pretend that you didn't see it and go,
"Okay, is everybody ready to start now?"
Higher beings from outer space may not want to tell us the secrets of
life, because we're not ready. But maybe they'll change their tune
after a little torture.
Happiness is not a circus clown rolling around in a big tractor tire
so that his arms and legs form "spokes." Happiness is when he stops.
He was a spy, all right, and he knew it. He would walk into a room and
people would go, "Who is that guy, a spy?" He'd laugh to himself,
maybe pull out his gun and show it to the person, to kind of impress
him (but not to show off). Sometimes spying was dirty work. Sometimes
he'd kill a guy, then paint a clown face on his face. Nobody said he
had to do that, but he did it anyway. So, dirty work.
I think a good scene in a movie would be where one scientist tells
another scientist, "You know what will save the world? You're holding
it in your hand." And the other scientist looks, and in his hand are
peanuts. Then when he looks up, the first scientist is being taken
away to the insane asylum.
Instead of studying for finals, what about just going to the Bahamas
and catching some rays? Maybe you'll flunk, but you might have flunked
anyway; that's my point.
If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flippy, which one would you
think liked dolphins the most? I'd say Flippy, wouldn't you? You'd be
wrong, though. It's Hambone.
I remember that one fateful day when Coach took me aside. I knew what
was coming. "You don't have to tell me," I said. "I'm off the team,
aren't I?" "Well," said Coach, "you never were really ON the team. You
made that uniform you're wearing out of rags and towels, and your
helmet is a toy space helmet. You show up at practice and then either
steal the ball and make us chase you to get it back, or you try to
tackle people at inappropriate times." It was all true what he was
saying. And yet, I thought something is brewing inside the head of
this Coach. He sees something in me, some kind of raw talent that he
can mould. But that's when I felt the handcuffs go on.
I can still recall old Mister Barnslow getting out every morning and
nailing a fresh load of tadpoles to the old board of his. Then he'd
spin it round and round, like a wheel of fortune, and no matter where
it stopped he'd yell out, "Tadpoles! Tadpoles is a winner!" We all
thought he was crazy. But then we had some growing up to do.
If you're at Thanksgiving dinner, but you don't like the stuffing or
the cranberry sauce or anything else, just pretend like you're eating
it, but instead, put it all in your lap and form it into a big mushy
ball. Then, later, when you're out back having cigars with the boys,
let out a big fake cough and throw the ball to the ground. Then say,
"Boy, these are good cigars!"
If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe
you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because,
hey, free dummy.
I bet it's hard to break farmers of the old superstitions like
"Tornado got Old Yeller, stay in the cellar."
Too bad when I was a kid there wasn't a guy in our class that
everybody called the "Cricket Boy", because I would have liked to
stand up in class and tell everybody, "You can make fun of the Cricket
Boy if you want to, but to me he's just like everybody else." Then
everybody would leave the Cricket Boy alone, and I'd invite him over
to spend the night at my house, but after about five minutes of that
loud chirping I'd have to kick him out.
