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Hey guys im new on this forum, and i literally just found out that i have dr/dp (mostly dr). I have been battling my thoughts sensations, and even feeling alien to feeling, as many of you do. I keep reading around that putting what i feel into words with my subjective experience of Derealization; is almost impossible in itself. I dont view myself as a pessimistic person at heart, but optimism is sweet, rare, and short. I have learned alot of ways to deal with these sensations.

A few things that will get me going:

*driving on the freeway at night.

*talking about my feelings

*having a girlfriend, any relationships. (sometimes i dont even know if ive ever successfully had a "close" friend.)

*talking about my future, or thinking about it. for example in my college classes, we talk about design and creativity. Everyone uses the word love and passion a desire; "i have a desire to design, "im following my passion of designing". I have completely lost that spectrum in my own mind. i dont know what this earth has to offer me in terms of peace and passion. (sounds kind of depressing i know.) i just dont.

*feelings in general. I never know how to react to things, although i have come to the conclusion that you dont need to "know" how to react, you should just react.

*mental illnesses. im sure we can all relate on this scale. But you know schizo, depression, psychosis. Our minds are on blast, we imagine a movie like scene going into play. One minute ur worrying about hearing a voice then you're a psychopath. I have talked to many therapists and counselors, friends, psychologists, and even girlfriends about my worry of my psyche.

*but the worst trigger is the future. Will i live with this my whole life? will i live at all? will i ever enjoy myself in a real state of mind and learn what it is to feel normal? is this my normality? will i have passion in life for things that i used to? will ever just be easy going and not watch myself from different angles but rather engrain myself in situations. will i be able to drive my future family on a freeway at night and not be choking inside?

*also god. I can honestly say that when i say "in the name of jesus christ, let there be peace in my mind" i have gotten the effects that i ask for. Although i am not as religious as many are, i do believe, but also my dr screws with my beliefs, but i think on a level similar to processing things. like i cant process that god is helping me, but i hope to see more improvement in myself and my relationship with him.

I have had traumatic experiences in my life, but im not going to say that i had a horrible childhood or a troubled family, i will say that it is a bit disorganized and very different than what i perceive other families to be like.

In 2010 i witnessed two people in my life that were close to me develop schizo. That was very traumatic for me. I felt like there was no way to run, i was trapped in a dimension of so much uncertainty. Not really trapped just so freaked out i was detached from reality. I still am at times. Most times i am. But i have had some reality. Very brief. But im also 20 years old, and i dont know shit about life.

I am not suicidal, i have thought about death, and leaving my problems, but i have never had a plan to kill myself. i dont want to kill myself, how can you want to kill urself if you dont even understand your own reality.

I have to say that during the time that i didnt realize that i had dp and dr there were some points where life was a bit easier.

I mostly battling obsessive thoughts:

*what if i never have fun again?

*what if i'm gay?

*what if i dont make it?

*what if i go crazy?

*what if i never make valuable connections in relationships and i end up alone?

*what if i never feel love?

*what if i never have a lust for life?*

*what if i never like music again???????????????

this has been my greatest struggle aside from questioning if im happy 24/7.

will i enjoy music? will i enjoy making music?

i have to say that since dp and dr and ocd has hit me in the past 3 years

i have no enjoyed music like i used to.

i have read on this forum that people cling to reality because of music, but not me guys not me.

If anyone has any questions or wants to talk just about the context of dp or dr, i would greatly appreciate it and welcome it.

I wont say that im better, but i am definitely in a different place than i was in the beginning, a more workable place.
 

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Discussion Starter · #2 ·
First of all, don't fret about not liking music. Sometimes depression, stress, anxiety - it all causes this sort of.. rift. For lack of a better definition, it's just feeling so stressed out about a certain problem [derealization] that you tend to focus more on that then you do with anything else. You dwell on it so much and it ends up taking away your energy to do things.

Your love for music will come back, same with everything else you think you've lost. That lust for life, the feeling of love, etc.. It'll all come back.

Obsessive thoughts is a side-effect of derealization and is just a symptom of that train of thought - the best thing for you to do now: ignore them. I now that sounds difficult, hell, it sounded difficult for me at one point; but it really does get easier. If you let it consume you, you'll end up with it for a long time - you just have to stop thinking about it. Thoughts cannot hurt you, so don't take it out on yourself.

Message me if you need anymore advice - I'm always here if you need someone to listen or give advice.
thanks so much, i really have had a good day and i think its because i woke up to reading this. thanks mucho.
 

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I feel the same way about music. I was obsessed with music, but its lost that "magic". It was refreshing stumbling across this post
 

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I often question if getting drunk and going to a show might help trigger that joy for music again. The energy at the show combined with the alcohol might let me enjoy my self enough where it might trigger that "love" again for music
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
hey, has it gotten any better for you lately?I
Let me put it to you this way, my life is a bewilderment. the best way i can describe it is that i am an iPhone camera and i am trying to focus on something really close but the focus isn't meant to be that close, thats what its like for us, we look at things extremely closely but can't process the intense questions we ask ourselves. i have recently started looking into emdr therapy, there is some process in that it helps you process traumas. Basically i view derealization as a set of traumas that are just so negatively emotionally based that they are present in your current moment (emotionally). A lot of my derealization/panic attack moments had to do with music, but i think had to do with what i thought about myself and music. I think that i enjoy music, but i definitely dont take into account that tastes change and nothing is magic. i realized that when i listen to music i am not listening most of the time, i am worrying about listening obsessing, so when i do enjoy music its because i am completely lost in the moment which is a good thing. I hate the lows of mental illness but if you are here suffering with me i know I'm not alone. The one thing i hate in life is when i ask people if they have even had a thought about dr or not enjoying music or life, they respond in a confused manner. its like ok so your life is just perfect? i dont know man. I OBSESS TOO MUCH. had it gotten better for you?
 

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Man that's one of the biggest things that bothers me too is not being able to enjoy music. Before DP music was one of my favorite things, and it was a pretty good drummer. It think being a musician made music a little more meaningful to me too, and now I cant listen to it. My minds racing to fast to relax to it, I'm constantly asking myself if I even like the song that's playing.
 

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Let me put it to you this way, my life is a bewilderment. the best way i can describe it is that i am an iPhone camera and i am trying to focus on something really close but the focus isn't meant to be that close, thats what its like for us, we look at things extremely closely but can't process the intense questions we ask ourselves. i have recently started looking into emdr therapy, there is some process in that it helps you process traumas. Basically i view derealization as a set of traumas that are just so negatively emotionally based that they are present in your current moment (emotionally). A lot of my derealization/panic attack moments had to do with music, but i think had to do with what i thought about myself and music. I think that i enjoy music, but i definitely dont take into account that tastes change and nothing is magic. i realized that when i listen to music i am not listening most of the time, i am worrying about listening obsessing, so when i do enjoy music its because i am completely lost in the moment which is a good thing. I hate the lows of mental illness but if you are here suffering with me i know I'm not alone. The one thing i hate in life is when i ask people if they have even had a thought about dr or not enjoying music or life, they respond in a confused manner. its like ok so your life is just perfect? i dont know man. I OBSESS TOO MUCH. had it gotten better for you?
you have to find a good meditation practive man and stick to it. Ive been practicing mindfulness and its helped a ton. I actually love my life right now. Ive been living and keeping my self busy. Ive stopped being so focused and can really enjoy life not. Music still isnt the same, but I think in time it will be.

The main focus i had was to find way to stay busy, so you dont focus so much
 
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