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First, a warning. If the subject of death triggers you then i wouldnt read this. Also this is long cause i want to get as much detail in as i can.

I have recovered a great deal from dpdr. Its not as powerful as it was before. Alot of it had to do with not understanding anything i was experiancing. Sometimes, it goes away completely but its usually not longer than a few hours. That doesnt mean i dont still feel off or paranoid tho. I still have it daily tho. Only times its not is if im SUPER into something im doing which is rare as im still somewhat depressed. I think my first post on here mentioned how much death scares me. Its the source of my problems with dpdr. I never really went into depth tho.
Its like i WANT to think about it. Cause like while doing something, ill have a moment where i think of the dpdr and then instead of trying to distract, my mind always remembers death thoughts and how vivid it is to imagine what death is.
Ill look around panicked and wonder what if all this just goes "lights out" all of a sudden, like ill die right then and there. This is very scary cause after i think that, my mind goes blank and i suddenly dont remember anything and cant concentrate for a few seconds and it feels like there isnt accually anything around me. Its so scary. I cant imagine that i just end one day...yes, afterlife could exist but its just as likely as just a nothingless void. I want to enjoy life again but everything i do is plagued by these thoughts. Everytime i experiance dpdr, its there and the episodes of dpdr either happen every few minutes, every 20 or just last continuously for a good while (like rn as i type this, ive had it for a good hour) this also gets worse when its time for bed. Once i think "i need to go to bed" dread overcomes me as at night, these things get much more scary along with existential thoughts and i also seem to exibit confused thinking and behavior the more drowsy i become. In other words, the more close i am to drifting off, the more confused and scared i become. I recently started guided meditation after dpdr started. I usually clock out after having it on for like 20 minutes. Tho sometimes i get even more anxious as i wonder why my mind reacts the way it does to things or like meditation and end up staying awake till i pass out from sleep deprivation. I wish i didnt need to rely on guided meditation to fall asleep like i could when i was NORMAL. Anyone else? Any coping strategies for any of these issues? I wish i could think differently about death. Its so hard and vivid.
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