[Guest]

I can't find your original post so thought I would put my response here so you will know I have responded as i promised I would.

For me Ninnu the times when I felt most real were what I would call spiritual experiences. Simple things really like one time I was walking through an industrial area of Los Angeles (of all places) on a smogless day and there was some little advertising banners flapping in the breeze. The sky was blue.. a couple clouds moved slowly overhead. In that moment I felt completely real and at one with the universe. It was a "feeling state" not an intellectual or conceptual one.

You refer to it as "being seen". That is very profound. To be "real" to be "seen". But you are suggesting that you are afaid that if you were to feel "real" you might stop being "seen?" Now it is just a thought of mine but I think that beneath all the years and various those layers of "ego" defences may wait a little girl for your return. But she might be scared to be found standing naked in front of the world so only peeks her head out for an instant to look about now and then to see what has become of you. Like a little mouse sticking its head out of its hole when she thinks the cats not at home.

Well I am now crying. Ninnu, I can't help it. I mourn for my own lost little self.

Have you ever tried "active imagination" to try and get in touch with the little girl inside? I have tried but found the sadness almost unbearable.

I am sorry for the brevity of this reply I have spent literally hours trying to find the words i want to say I am not a very good writer, I mean I have a hard time with words.

I hope you won't take offense.

Sincerely
orlando

 

[lone wolf]

Hi orlando,

really thank you for your post, I got tears in my eyes reading it. What you said I feel is true... I will write a reply to you later, please wait for Monday. You're good at expressing your thoughts with words, so please don't feel sorry at all. Still one more thanks,

Ninnu

 

[lone wolf]

Hi orlando - I try to reply to your post now... For me it is so easy to write just crap, but to really think and write about important things isn't that easy to me. But I try though as first I promised to reply to you on Monday, and now it is already Thursday, sorry for that...

Me too could say the experiences when I have felt most real could be called spiritual. Those moments have felt so full of pure feeling, and oneness with the world. During my DR-free moments I didn't fear anything, I was just there and felt joy like I felt as a small child alone in nature.

Today, before starting this reply to you, I thought that maybe it is my little girl self that is afraid of not being seen. I mean the self who I was as a child, before my mother started drinking alcohol. Those early memories in the countryside as a child feel so much more alive to me than anything I have experienced afterwards. I remember being so alive and joyful, with no worries on my mind.

Indeed the first time I experienced a DR-free moment during these fifteen years I was in the countryside, and started assuring myself that I'm still 4-year-old and everything happened since that is just a grey dream, which has never really happened. I guess that for a fleeting moment my psyche really believed I was still 4, being in my grandparents' farm, and that's how the real moment happened. Since that the self-suggestion stopped working, I think because my psyche knew I was trying to deceive myself and didn't dare to open up the door out of DR anymore.

You asked have I tried active imagination in order to get in touch with the little girl inside me. When I'm writing this, I feel profound sadness when thinking of my childhood self. When I first read your post, I wanted to cry but couldn't, as I wasn't alone at home at that time and felt it would look odd if I cried for "no reason". But what is even more odd, now I'm home alone, and still can't cry though I feel sadness. I feel like I don't dare to take the step to reach out to my little self, for some reason. Maybe there are too many painful memories in between my grown-up self and the little girl I once was.

I think maybe the healing needs just lots of time, and effort. I feel time really has a healing capacity. Those two totally DR-free moments aren't the only real moments I have experienced. When I have been dancing in the dance parties arranged in the forests, during the time of sunrise in the morning I have sometimes felt like there would be a little 4-year-old girl inside me, who is watching through my eyes and likes dancing in the morning sunlight in the nature. The icy wall of DR had still been there, but I felt like it had become a little thinner during those moments.

I wish those kinds of moments would happen also in the future and someday I would finally feel safe enough to be able to feel life without the icy wall... And I wish the same to you too... Love,

Ninnu