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Hi everyone,
first of all, I am so thankful that I found this platform. The story I´m about to tell really fucked me up from February till today and I think it will affect my future romantic relationships a lot. Finding some stories about people who dated someone with DPDR made me feel less lonely and confused. I want to share my experience because I need to let everything out and would like to hear the opinion of someone suffering from this condition. It´s a bit long but I really wanna explain everything in detail, hope you read it till the end!
Here´s my story :
I live in Berlin and in January 2022 I met this guy born and raised in the city on Bumble. He was ( and he´s still) a very intelligent, funny, curious, and sweet person, and our energies seem to match immediately. At the end of our first date, he comes over to my place. We start speaking about drugs since that´s a huge topic in the city. At a certain point, he tells me that he cannot use drugs anymore because he suffers from a condition called DPDR. I´d never heard of that before and I start asking him more questions about it. Back then I´ve kinda just started to use drugs a bit more than usual since the clubs were open after the pandemic and when I hear his story about drug consumption ( and abuse) and developing DPDR I become really nervous and I´m afraid that will happen to me too. However, after we spoke about it I´m still not that aware of the situation and how much that affects his life. ( He also suffers from depression, anxiety, and obsessive-compulsive disorder.)
We start dating. From January till the beginning of February everything is OK, although I can start seeing signs of DPDR. Sometimes he zooms out, I call him by his name and he doesn´t reply, just stares at something in front of him. Other times he needs to lay down and meditate or drink camomille tea. One time I remember him just staring at his hand and opening his eyes open, kinda scared of what he was looking at. Another time he was nervous and probably started panicking and told me he had to go home asap. Another thing he was doing quite often was asking for reassurance that I loved him ( not in a romantic way but as friends. In German is: jemanden lieb haben → to love someone as a friend). He was asking me that multiple times, kinda randomly. He was also overanalyzing everything I said or did. Besides all of this, we had a good time. He made me meet his closest friends and invited me to bars and parties with them. He made me feel special during a period when I was struggling a lot because I lost friendships and got tinnitus and I felt really lonely. He was sweet and caring, I could speak about everything and I was also trying to do my part to help him. I was reading about DPDR a lot and I was always trying to make him comfortable as possible. I felt special also bc he told me that he has never felt such a strong connection with someone in the last 4 years since he developed DPDR.
But things started getting bad pretty soon.
February 2022: we were at my place and while we were speaking I said that it would be cool to travel together one day. Of course, it was too soon to make plans but I just felt to say it since I like traveling and I was thinking how nice would it have been to do it with him. He replied kinda coldly, saying that he didn´t want to start planning now, which I of course agreed to. After that day he started writing me less and replying after hours. Two days later I invite him over to ask what was going on. I´m really sensitive and I could feel that something was wrong.
He started telling me that after that convo about traveling together he felt like I was looking for a more serious relationship and that he wasn´t ready for that.
DISCLAIMER: one or two weeks before he asked me if WE WERE DATING and said to his friends that WE WERE EXCLUSIVE. I´ve never said that to anyone, I was just enjoying our time together and yes, I was kinda hoping to become something more than casual but I at that moment I was just enjoying our time together.
He keeps speaking, telling me that he doesn´t know what to do, asking me if we could stay friends in case this “casual dating” thing goes wrong. He also says he isn´t able to take a decision so he lets me decide for both what's the best for both.
At that point I´m lost and confused, I feel unwanted and unloved, I feel like this is the umpteenth failure, that I am a failure for not being lovable enough. After he told me those things I don´t really know what to say, I understand his point of view and start realizing that he has some problems with himself that I´ll never be able to solve.
He stays at my place that night and we keep speaking about the situation. During that convo, he told me something that I´ll never forget: I was the first person he dated with who he had a connection in the last 4 years and I gave him hope that he can date again. He also said I was the first person among his friends and relatives who actually made research about DPDR and that, of course, broke my heart and made me even more confused.
After that night I took some time to think about all the things which have been said and the next week I tell him that I prefer to stay just friends bc he seems confused and has already given up on our relationship. He seems relieved, even saying that he was worried that I didn't want to see him again ( this let me also confused).
During that time he got covid so we didn´t see each other for 10 days but kept face timing. Once he´s negative thoughts he doesn´t write me that often anymore, I had to tell him if he wanted to hang out. We hang out, he shows me his new apartment ( just a 10 min walk away from mine) and we end up having sex at my place. After that time he started being weird again and I start losing it. I started day drinking and abusing drugs because all that situation and other problems in my life were just too overwhelming. One night I call him drunk and tell him that I can´t do it anymore, is too much and I don´t wanna lose him but at the same time, I don´t want to lose myself either. We met the day after and we had the most emotional breakup ever. I was crying and we kept kissing but agreeing that this was becoming toxic and we had to stop it. We were in a park and then went to his mom's place. We ate something and kept talking. Since I thought that was the last time I ever have seen him I tell him I love him, bc yes, that´s what I was feeling and that´s what I still feel for him. We chat a bit more and then I have to go. He comes to my place, we give a goodbye kiss and then he brings me to the bus. After I take the bus and he leaves he writes me a really emotional message, saying thanks for understanding him and telling me that he cares a lot about me even though it´s hard for him to explain or show it.
March 2022: If we´ve left things like this, I wouldn´t feel so bad about all the situation. At that time as I said I was abusing alcohol and drugs, I remember taking 1-3 lines of speed daily and drinking almost every night during the week and weekend. I was feeling really numb and unstable and somehow I didn´t want to let him go. So I kept writing him. At first, he told me he didn´t want to bc he wanted to keep his distance and heal, but then we started meeting again, especially after he moved just 10 min from my place. We started having sex again but something felt weird. One sec he was happy and we had the best sex ever and the moment after he felt distant and I felt as if he didn´t want me there. One night, while having sex I told him I loved him. He didn´t reply and after I asked him if he was OK. He told me that what I said was overwhelming because he feels a strong connection with me but he isn´t ready to let himself so open up with someone else. I asked him then if he thinks he will ever love me and he told me “not at the moment”. I have to specify that I was high at that time but he didn´t know it. After that convo, I started saying stuff I regret till now, like that I was just fuckable and not lovable and that maybe I should have killed myself. He was listening in silence while staring at the ceiling but at a certain point he stands up, shaking and breathing heavily. After he breaks into tears. I felt so guilty and stupid. How could I be so selfish and gave me a panic attack? After he calms down he told me that all that was too much and painful and that we should have stopped seeing each other. I agree, we have sex for the last time and then we fell asleep. The morning after I wake up early to go to work and he kinda begs me to stay bc “you don´t need your job, your job needs you” I tell him I have to go and he becomes suddenly really sad and cold. He tells me he loves me as a friend and that he will miss me a lot. He tells me also something lik “in 15 years we will meet again at the seaside” which I found really sweet but confusing at the same time. He cannot love me but he wants me, he finds everything too much for him but doesn´t want to let me go…
April 2022 :
I went to Paris for some days and almost didn´t think about the whole situation. Once back in Berlin I start meeting new people and going out more. One time he writes me but we didn´t speak much. I don´t remember exactly how but one day we meet up at his place, we speak and he tells me he´s not feeling good at all and I could actually tell that. He looked miserable, really thin, and tired. After speaking a bit we cuddle in his bed but nothing else happens bc I didn´t want to have amazing sex and then feel like shit again. At a certain point, I decide to go and while I stand up he kisses me on my neck. I don´t kiss him back and he becomes cold and gives me a fast goodbye. That was on a Sunday. The week after I write him but he replies really shortly and tells me is annoyed with himself and doesn´t want to speak abt it. I accept it and decide to not write him for a while.
That Friday I go out with a friend and we get super drunk. On my way home alone I decide I want to visit him. So instead of going home, I go to his place. When I go through his door I know already something is wrong. He tells me he wants to sleep and I need to go. I tell him that I can sleep there or something similar ( don´t remember exactly bc I was drunk af). He starts yelling at me, his pupils were super wide and he says I have to go out, that he wants to be alone. He starts screaming “What do u want from me? do u want sex? what the fuck? are u on drugs?” I was in shock and didn´t know what to do bc I´d never seen him like that before and I was scared. At a certain point, he even said “What should I do so that you leave? Should I kill myself?” and “You are the reason why I´ll end up in a clinic”.
I know that I should have gone at that point but I was drunk and scared and I was afraid to leave him alone. I start hugging him while he´s calling some friends, asking for help. He says that I don´t respect his boundaries and then starts crying and throwing stuff in his room.
As his friends arrive they´re confused af. We all go out of the building and he keeps screaming at me asking why I didn´t leave. At that point, I´m embarrassed and mad so I start shouting too. I tell him that he´s always like that, first, he wants me to stay and then doesn´t want me. His friends tell me to go away. So I stand up, tell him that he shouldn´t write me anymore and I even scream “fuck you!”. After that I go to the house of the friend with who I drunk and started crying as I´d never had before, saying I wanted to kill myself.
The day after I write him a goodbye message, to which he doesn´t reply. I write him a week later to ask if he was okay and he answers really coldly, saying he doesn´t want to have contact with me anymore and that after what happened that night he doesn´t want to discuss it with me anymore.
I wrote him another time in June and this time he tells me that he cannot be part of my life anymore, that he doesn´t want to deny the feelings I have for him but that he doesn´t want to deal with all of this anymore. I was mad and wrote him that he will end up alone if he keeps rejecting the people who love him the most, but I also understand that I couldn´t express my feelings and love for him at best while I was dealing with drugs and alcohol abuse.
The last thing I sent him was a 6 min vocal note where I explained my point of view of that night and of all our situation in general. He didn´t reply.
August 2022 (as I´m writing this post): after a long time of using drugs and alcohol to cope with all that happened I decided to stop and I´m gonna start therapy this autumn. I´m also leaving Berlin for a while and I´ll come back in October. I still think about him, every day, also bc we live really close to each other. I just wished I had never gone to his place that night. I want to help and be next to him bc for sure he´s not doing well after that but doesn´t really know what to do. I´m much healthier now and aware of all the things that happened. I know he´s ill and he probably had feelings for me but didn´t know how to deal with them. And I feel so selfish for not being able to accept all of this and don´t have the patience to understand that if I was feeling bad and miserable he was feeling it 10 times more than me.
However, he hurts me and he didn´t even say sorry for the things he told me that night. I think no one should say stuff like that to someone, no matter which condition is suffering from. So I have really mixed feelings about him. I love him but I´m aware he made my life really difficult in the last eight months.
What would you do? Would you seek contact again? Let it go? Has someone had a similar experience? Let me know what you think, I´d be very thankful for that <3
first of all, I am so thankful that I found this platform. The story I´m about to tell really fucked me up from February till today and I think it will affect my future romantic relationships a lot. Finding some stories about people who dated someone with DPDR made me feel less lonely and confused. I want to share my experience because I need to let everything out and would like to hear the opinion of someone suffering from this condition. It´s a bit long but I really wanna explain everything in detail, hope you read it till the end!
Here´s my story :
I live in Berlin and in January 2022 I met this guy born and raised in the city on Bumble. He was ( and he´s still) a very intelligent, funny, curious, and sweet person, and our energies seem to match immediately. At the end of our first date, he comes over to my place. We start speaking about drugs since that´s a huge topic in the city. At a certain point, he tells me that he cannot use drugs anymore because he suffers from a condition called DPDR. I´d never heard of that before and I start asking him more questions about it. Back then I´ve kinda just started to use drugs a bit more than usual since the clubs were open after the pandemic and when I hear his story about drug consumption ( and abuse) and developing DPDR I become really nervous and I´m afraid that will happen to me too. However, after we spoke about it I´m still not that aware of the situation and how much that affects his life. ( He also suffers from depression, anxiety, and obsessive-compulsive disorder.)
We start dating. From January till the beginning of February everything is OK, although I can start seeing signs of DPDR. Sometimes he zooms out, I call him by his name and he doesn´t reply, just stares at something in front of him. Other times he needs to lay down and meditate or drink camomille tea. One time I remember him just staring at his hand and opening his eyes open, kinda scared of what he was looking at. Another time he was nervous and probably started panicking and told me he had to go home asap. Another thing he was doing quite often was asking for reassurance that I loved him ( not in a romantic way but as friends. In German is: jemanden lieb haben → to love someone as a friend). He was asking me that multiple times, kinda randomly. He was also overanalyzing everything I said or did. Besides all of this, we had a good time. He made me meet his closest friends and invited me to bars and parties with them. He made me feel special during a period when I was struggling a lot because I lost friendships and got tinnitus and I felt really lonely. He was sweet and caring, I could speak about everything and I was also trying to do my part to help him. I was reading about DPDR a lot and I was always trying to make him comfortable as possible. I felt special also bc he told me that he has never felt such a strong connection with someone in the last 4 years since he developed DPDR.
But things started getting bad pretty soon.
February 2022: we were at my place and while we were speaking I said that it would be cool to travel together one day. Of course, it was too soon to make plans but I just felt to say it since I like traveling and I was thinking how nice would it have been to do it with him. He replied kinda coldly, saying that he didn´t want to start planning now, which I of course agreed to. After that day he started writing me less and replying after hours. Two days later I invite him over to ask what was going on. I´m really sensitive and I could feel that something was wrong.
He started telling me that after that convo about traveling together he felt like I was looking for a more serious relationship and that he wasn´t ready for that.
DISCLAIMER: one or two weeks before he asked me if WE WERE DATING and said to his friends that WE WERE EXCLUSIVE. I´ve never said that to anyone, I was just enjoying our time together and yes, I was kinda hoping to become something more than casual but I at that moment I was just enjoying our time together.
He keeps speaking, telling me that he doesn´t know what to do, asking me if we could stay friends in case this “casual dating” thing goes wrong. He also says he isn´t able to take a decision so he lets me decide for both what's the best for both.
At that point I´m lost and confused, I feel unwanted and unloved, I feel like this is the umpteenth failure, that I am a failure for not being lovable enough. After he told me those things I don´t really know what to say, I understand his point of view and start realizing that he has some problems with himself that I´ll never be able to solve.
He stays at my place that night and we keep speaking about the situation. During that convo, he told me something that I´ll never forget: I was the first person he dated with who he had a connection in the last 4 years and I gave him hope that he can date again. He also said I was the first person among his friends and relatives who actually made research about DPDR and that, of course, broke my heart and made me even more confused.
After that night I took some time to think about all the things which have been said and the next week I tell him that I prefer to stay just friends bc he seems confused and has already given up on our relationship. He seems relieved, even saying that he was worried that I didn't want to see him again ( this let me also confused).
During that time he got covid so we didn´t see each other for 10 days but kept face timing. Once he´s negative thoughts he doesn´t write me that often anymore, I had to tell him if he wanted to hang out. We hang out, he shows me his new apartment ( just a 10 min walk away from mine) and we end up having sex at my place. After that time he started being weird again and I start losing it. I started day drinking and abusing drugs because all that situation and other problems in my life were just too overwhelming. One night I call him drunk and tell him that I can´t do it anymore, is too much and I don´t wanna lose him but at the same time, I don´t want to lose myself either. We met the day after and we had the most emotional breakup ever. I was crying and we kept kissing but agreeing that this was becoming toxic and we had to stop it. We were in a park and then went to his mom's place. We ate something and kept talking. Since I thought that was the last time I ever have seen him I tell him I love him, bc yes, that´s what I was feeling and that´s what I still feel for him. We chat a bit more and then I have to go. He comes to my place, we give a goodbye kiss and then he brings me to the bus. After I take the bus and he leaves he writes me a really emotional message, saying thanks for understanding him and telling me that he cares a lot about me even though it´s hard for him to explain or show it.
March 2022: If we´ve left things like this, I wouldn´t feel so bad about all the situation. At that time as I said I was abusing alcohol and drugs, I remember taking 1-3 lines of speed daily and drinking almost every night during the week and weekend. I was feeling really numb and unstable and somehow I didn´t want to let him go. So I kept writing him. At first, he told me he didn´t want to bc he wanted to keep his distance and heal, but then we started meeting again, especially after he moved just 10 min from my place. We started having sex again but something felt weird. One sec he was happy and we had the best sex ever and the moment after he felt distant and I felt as if he didn´t want me there. One night, while having sex I told him I loved him. He didn´t reply and after I asked him if he was OK. He told me that what I said was overwhelming because he feels a strong connection with me but he isn´t ready to let himself so open up with someone else. I asked him then if he thinks he will ever love me and he told me “not at the moment”. I have to specify that I was high at that time but he didn´t know it. After that convo, I started saying stuff I regret till now, like that I was just fuckable and not lovable and that maybe I should have killed myself. He was listening in silence while staring at the ceiling but at a certain point he stands up, shaking and breathing heavily. After he breaks into tears. I felt so guilty and stupid. How could I be so selfish and gave me a panic attack? After he calms down he told me that all that was too much and painful and that we should have stopped seeing each other. I agree, we have sex for the last time and then we fell asleep. The morning after I wake up early to go to work and he kinda begs me to stay bc “you don´t need your job, your job needs you” I tell him I have to go and he becomes suddenly really sad and cold. He tells me he loves me as a friend and that he will miss me a lot. He tells me also something lik “in 15 years we will meet again at the seaside” which I found really sweet but confusing at the same time. He cannot love me but he wants me, he finds everything too much for him but doesn´t want to let me go…
April 2022 :
I went to Paris for some days and almost didn´t think about the whole situation. Once back in Berlin I start meeting new people and going out more. One time he writes me but we didn´t speak much. I don´t remember exactly how but one day we meet up at his place, we speak and he tells me he´s not feeling good at all and I could actually tell that. He looked miserable, really thin, and tired. After speaking a bit we cuddle in his bed but nothing else happens bc I didn´t want to have amazing sex and then feel like shit again. At a certain point, I decide to go and while I stand up he kisses me on my neck. I don´t kiss him back and he becomes cold and gives me a fast goodbye. That was on a Sunday. The week after I write him but he replies really shortly and tells me is annoyed with himself and doesn´t want to speak abt it. I accept it and decide to not write him for a while.
That Friday I go out with a friend and we get super drunk. On my way home alone I decide I want to visit him. So instead of going home, I go to his place. When I go through his door I know already something is wrong. He tells me he wants to sleep and I need to go. I tell him that I can sleep there or something similar ( don´t remember exactly bc I was drunk af). He starts yelling at me, his pupils were super wide and he says I have to go out, that he wants to be alone. He starts screaming “What do u want from me? do u want sex? what the fuck? are u on drugs?” I was in shock and didn´t know what to do bc I´d never seen him like that before and I was scared. At a certain point, he even said “What should I do so that you leave? Should I kill myself?” and “You are the reason why I´ll end up in a clinic”.
I know that I should have gone at that point but I was drunk and scared and I was afraid to leave him alone. I start hugging him while he´s calling some friends, asking for help. He says that I don´t respect his boundaries and then starts crying and throwing stuff in his room.
As his friends arrive they´re confused af. We all go out of the building and he keeps screaming at me asking why I didn´t leave. At that point, I´m embarrassed and mad so I start shouting too. I tell him that he´s always like that, first, he wants me to stay and then doesn´t want me. His friends tell me to go away. So I stand up, tell him that he shouldn´t write me anymore and I even scream “fuck you!”. After that I go to the house of the friend with who I drunk and started crying as I´d never had before, saying I wanted to kill myself.
The day after I write him a goodbye message, to which he doesn´t reply. I write him a week later to ask if he was okay and he answers really coldly, saying he doesn´t want to have contact with me anymore and that after what happened that night he doesn´t want to discuss it with me anymore.
I wrote him another time in June and this time he tells me that he cannot be part of my life anymore, that he doesn´t want to deny the feelings I have for him but that he doesn´t want to deal with all of this anymore. I was mad and wrote him that he will end up alone if he keeps rejecting the people who love him the most, but I also understand that I couldn´t express my feelings and love for him at best while I was dealing with drugs and alcohol abuse.
The last thing I sent him was a 6 min vocal note where I explained my point of view of that night and of all our situation in general. He didn´t reply.
August 2022 (as I´m writing this post): after a long time of using drugs and alcohol to cope with all that happened I decided to stop and I´m gonna start therapy this autumn. I´m also leaving Berlin for a while and I´ll come back in October. I still think about him, every day, also bc we live really close to each other. I just wished I had never gone to his place that night. I want to help and be next to him bc for sure he´s not doing well after that but doesn´t really know what to do. I´m much healthier now and aware of all the things that happened. I know he´s ill and he probably had feelings for me but didn´t know how to deal with them. And I feel so selfish for not being able to accept all of this and don´t have the patience to understand that if I was feeling bad and miserable he was feeling it 10 times more than me.
However, he hurts me and he didn´t even say sorry for the things he told me that night. I think no one should say stuff like that to someone, no matter which condition is suffering from. So I have really mixed feelings about him. I love him but I´m aware he made my life really difficult in the last eight months.
What would you do? Would you seek contact again? Let it go? Has someone had a similar experience? Let me know what you think, I´d be very thankful for that <3
) my symptoms, made everything harder than it already is in relationships, but i never released my babygirl. a bit of that because i couldnt imagine a life with dpdr where she doesnt support me, but the main reason was always that i knew how much i do love her, especially because i got know her before i relapsed with my dpdr, means i was symptomfree when we got to know each other. the first half of your post i readed with full focus but then it became just anectodal and i overflied it. what im thinking now is that maybe that guys problems dont have that much to do with his symptoms. as youre from germany as well, you know that saying "alles in die schuhe von ....... schieben". dont know dicker, i dont feel like i could help you but at least i tried 
