G
Guest
·Hi everyone,
Maybe this is not the perfect story for this board, but I would like to share it ? this discussion board is helping me a lot with different stories from all of you, and I believe I could be some help to some of you as well. Just to make somebody feel less lonely. But be BEWARE, that it is a bit of a love story, that you will find only some little ways i try to cope with this condition now, also, I don?t suffer from DR but only DP, this 24/7 DP is completely and absolutely caused by a single joint of marijuana, and I experience this depersonalisation for three moths now (exactly three months today) ? with only a slight relief in the symptoms, if I can even call it relief, and some nasty after-effects from a medication I tried to use. Also, pardon my english, but I ?ll try my best.
All right, enough warnings, let?s do this?
I always felt I?m the main character of the story. Exactly three months ago, I?ve lost that privilege.
I went to Netherlands. Before that, my first and only real relationship with a girl ended. My fault ? it was my neurosis that took us apart. My neurosis and my workholism and also my obsession in telling her it?s not good that was into some drugs in her time (not anymore). All this were the reasons it ended after three years. But don?t get me wrong. It were three most beautiful years in my life. And I believe, weren?t there my neurosis, we go on together.
After that, I told myself I ?m gonna make the best of my life. One month I was still with some people, met some girls, went traveling. To Holland. There was a girl there, and maybe she was a reason why the break-up with my ex-girl didn?t hurt so much as it could. But then, in Holland, we found out it wouldn?t work between the two of us. And exactly the same day I figured that out, as I was there, at one moment, I told myself ? hey, let?s smoke a joint! I forgot everything I told my former girl about it, I just forgot about myself and my beliefs ? and I did it. Just for fun. Thought it would be something like having a beer. It?s legal to buy it there, so it can cause no harm to me, all right? So i smoked it.
It was ?skunk? ? the most powerful of all marihuana kinds as I?m told. And after the life of insulting and disdain others for smoking weed, I was so stupid and inexperienced, I smoked it. Few moments after, I had a panic attack. My mind was split in too, telling me ? ?this is the world as it is? (this is probably what schizophrenics experience), as the only sound I could hear was the extreme beating of my heard and everything around me was pulsating in that rythm. It was a rainy night and I was walking the streets of a city on the sea shore, and as I went, I got lost. The panic was worse suddenly. I was lost and in panic, even I was aware it is ?only? that drug. I knew it all the time, even I was in terror that I went crazy and it will remain that way.
I forgot the name of the hotel, I forgot the way there, I couldn?t talk. I showed the key to the hotel to some stranger (the name of the hotel was written all over it, but I couldn?t even read it, not to mention say it). So I found way back. Back in the hotel, I turned on some TV. The panic was gone, but my brain started another tricks on me. Everything, every single moment on the TV had this feeling of deja vu. Every single moment. I was in constant deja vu when I watched it, so I turned it off.
Closed my eyes, tried to sleep. My mind was going nuts. Thoughts coming out of nowhere and going to whacky places. It was a hurricane of crazy thoughts. So ? and this is probably very important ? as I was lying there in the dark, I could see myself covering ME inside my head with a blanket or something, trying to make some WALL all around me against the THOUGHTS. All right? I clearly remember as I hided myself in my own head against my own thoughts crippled by marijuana.
Sleeping.
And in the morning, waking up. The whole next day, it pretty much felt like a normal hangover after being drunk. Everything blunted. But with a bonus of some thoughts that shouldn?t be there. Running through my head and terrifying me.
Second day, it was the same. Third day, the same. I started to search the internet everything about THC afterefects. That calmed me down a little. OK, I said, this, this and this is a normal symptom. It?s gonna be all right.
After a week, when I came back from Holland, it wasn?t. So I went to an agency here that takes care of the people with drug problems. There, they told me ? it?s gonna be allright, all this is normal after-effect.
OK. I wasn?t so terrified anymore, even the symptoms were so strong. And ? that is probably important ? the anxiety and depression came AFTER the break out of DP. Before going to Holland, I was outgoing, creative and I had a lot, lot of plans (wanted EVERYTHING - buy a car, travel through europe, finish the book I was writing). Now, I couldn?t talk to people, couldn?t write, couldn?t plan, all my joys, hobbys, feelings, emotions were behind a glass wall. Couldn?t reach them. As a bonus, I had a deja vu feeling once or twice a day (but these feelings at least ? fortunatelly ? went in this frequency away after few weeks).
Still serching the internet. Found out these symptoms relate to depression and anxiety ? and both could be induced by weed. Calmed down, ?couse there is a treatment to this, all right. Doctor told me I got a slight neurosis and gave me lexaurin ? even the small dose gave me so hard time (anxiety got through the roof) I had to stop that pill. Tried to go on without it.
One month after Holland, I typed word ?depersonalisation? to google. Just because I felt this could be a symptom too, that it could be called like that.
I found this discussion board, read damn lot of it and recognised myself in so many stories.
And I freaked out.
Went straight to shrink (professional for drug induced problem). He told me ? it?s all right, it?s only an after-effect, wouldn?t be permanent ? you?d have to do a loooot more drugs than one single joint to induce a depersonalisation. He diagnosed a slight depression disorder and prescriped combo Clonazepamum + Zoloft.
One month after. Only ten days of Zoloft (the anxiety side-effect disabled me even from going to work) left me with strong tinnitus (ringing in the ears) and jaw clenching. Before, when DP started, I could sleep fifteen hours a day. Now, with tinnitus, I couldn?t sleep at all.
Started to treat myself for tinnitus. Damn the DP (still only self-diagnosed), I wanna sleep, y?know. Fortunatelly, I found an expert on tinnitus and started to cope with it with the TRT therapy (more on tinnitus.org, bothering you with that on different board). All right, so I got tinnitus and my teeth clench like I was 70, not 27 that I am. I eat some pills for tinnitus, I use some masking sounds, I calmed down a bit, only to find out the DP hasn?t weakened even a damn bit.
Today, it?s three months since I ? with my own stupid ass foult ? developed DP in my own poor head. The symptoms of deja vu went away, but stayed in peoples faces... I mean ? it happens to me a lot, when I see a person on the street, the person seems to me like I knew him. That happens a lot. Then, there?s this symptom of timelessness (somebody else on this board used this word). Can?t make a difference between events two weeks ago and yesterday. The emotional flatness, world behind the glass wall (like after two beers permanently), loss of selfconfidence, high levels of anxiety and depression, all that shit remains with me.
The only pill that I use now is clonazepamum, but it helps only for the anxiety (0,25 a day, but I try as I can to stay of it). Another stuff that helps me ? talking to my family (trying to appear more ?sane? when I am with them), be with friends (even my anxiety and sadness is unbearable sometimes - cause they let me remember who I was before a what could I achieve weren?t here my brand new illness), walking in the woods, loosing myself in the movies (good or bad, I don?t really care now), going to sauna and swimming. All this helps to forget the DP for some time.
And how about that love story I started with? Never seen the girl again. Even ? since my DP began ? I think about her every night and day and I get so so sad about it all. I would give everythink just to have her back. It seems to me the only thing I have to do in my life now is to have some kids to carry on our genotype, y?know. Yes, with the only girl I ever really loved and still love ? her. But than again, wouldn?t the kids get insane as I did?
Still thinking about contacting my ex-girlfriend. But what then? If I tell her what happened to me, she would only blame herself. Not to mention the irony that I, Mr. Don?t-do-drugs, got messed my own brain with nothing else than weed. Hah. Such an irony. I shouldn?t bother my ex-girl - just because I wish the best for her. Even I would love to say ?marry me now and let?s have babies!?. It feels to me, if I asked her to come back and stuff, I would only take advantage of her. She plans to leave the republic soon for few months, so I don?t have much time to make my mind left.
Make my mind. Heh.
Well, still trying to figure that out. Trying real hard.
Two days from now, I go to a new shrink to finally get my diagnose official. I don?t like to do a lot of new medications, since I don?t react to them too well. But I still hope. I believe in myself, I believe it will get better, and if not, I believe I could adapt (cope) to this condition ? even if it sounds terrible, because that means I?ve lost that beautiful life I lived before. But I must go on, even on much lower level than I did. I just have to, because of all the people around me and maybe even because of all the people on this doscussion board.
So, the story continues. Sooner or later, I?ll be back with an update.
For now, whoever you are, thank you for reading.
Maybe this is not the perfect story for this board, but I would like to share it ? this discussion board is helping me a lot with different stories from all of you, and I believe I could be some help to some of you as well. Just to make somebody feel less lonely. But be BEWARE, that it is a bit of a love story, that you will find only some little ways i try to cope with this condition now, also, I don?t suffer from DR but only DP, this 24/7 DP is completely and absolutely caused by a single joint of marijuana, and I experience this depersonalisation for three moths now (exactly three months today) ? with only a slight relief in the symptoms, if I can even call it relief, and some nasty after-effects from a medication I tried to use. Also, pardon my english, but I ?ll try my best.
All right, enough warnings, let?s do this?
I always felt I?m the main character of the story. Exactly three months ago, I?ve lost that privilege.
I went to Netherlands. Before that, my first and only real relationship with a girl ended. My fault ? it was my neurosis that took us apart. My neurosis and my workholism and also my obsession in telling her it?s not good that was into some drugs in her time (not anymore). All this were the reasons it ended after three years. But don?t get me wrong. It were three most beautiful years in my life. And I believe, weren?t there my neurosis, we go on together.
After that, I told myself I ?m gonna make the best of my life. One month I was still with some people, met some girls, went traveling. To Holland. There was a girl there, and maybe she was a reason why the break-up with my ex-girl didn?t hurt so much as it could. But then, in Holland, we found out it wouldn?t work between the two of us. And exactly the same day I figured that out, as I was there, at one moment, I told myself ? hey, let?s smoke a joint! I forgot everything I told my former girl about it, I just forgot about myself and my beliefs ? and I did it. Just for fun. Thought it would be something like having a beer. It?s legal to buy it there, so it can cause no harm to me, all right? So i smoked it.
It was ?skunk? ? the most powerful of all marihuana kinds as I?m told. And after the life of insulting and disdain others for smoking weed, I was so stupid and inexperienced, I smoked it. Few moments after, I had a panic attack. My mind was split in too, telling me ? ?this is the world as it is? (this is probably what schizophrenics experience), as the only sound I could hear was the extreme beating of my heard and everything around me was pulsating in that rythm. It was a rainy night and I was walking the streets of a city on the sea shore, and as I went, I got lost. The panic was worse suddenly. I was lost and in panic, even I was aware it is ?only? that drug. I knew it all the time, even I was in terror that I went crazy and it will remain that way.
I forgot the name of the hotel, I forgot the way there, I couldn?t talk. I showed the key to the hotel to some stranger (the name of the hotel was written all over it, but I couldn?t even read it, not to mention say it). So I found way back. Back in the hotel, I turned on some TV. The panic was gone, but my brain started another tricks on me. Everything, every single moment on the TV had this feeling of deja vu. Every single moment. I was in constant deja vu when I watched it, so I turned it off.
Closed my eyes, tried to sleep. My mind was going nuts. Thoughts coming out of nowhere and going to whacky places. It was a hurricane of crazy thoughts. So ? and this is probably very important ? as I was lying there in the dark, I could see myself covering ME inside my head with a blanket or something, trying to make some WALL all around me against the THOUGHTS. All right? I clearly remember as I hided myself in my own head against my own thoughts crippled by marijuana.
Sleeping.
And in the morning, waking up. The whole next day, it pretty much felt like a normal hangover after being drunk. Everything blunted. But with a bonus of some thoughts that shouldn?t be there. Running through my head and terrifying me.
Second day, it was the same. Third day, the same. I started to search the internet everything about THC afterefects. That calmed me down a little. OK, I said, this, this and this is a normal symptom. It?s gonna be all right.
After a week, when I came back from Holland, it wasn?t. So I went to an agency here that takes care of the people with drug problems. There, they told me ? it?s gonna be allright, all this is normal after-effect.
OK. I wasn?t so terrified anymore, even the symptoms were so strong. And ? that is probably important ? the anxiety and depression came AFTER the break out of DP. Before going to Holland, I was outgoing, creative and I had a lot, lot of plans (wanted EVERYTHING - buy a car, travel through europe, finish the book I was writing). Now, I couldn?t talk to people, couldn?t write, couldn?t plan, all my joys, hobbys, feelings, emotions were behind a glass wall. Couldn?t reach them. As a bonus, I had a deja vu feeling once or twice a day (but these feelings at least ? fortunatelly ? went in this frequency away after few weeks).
Still serching the internet. Found out these symptoms relate to depression and anxiety ? and both could be induced by weed. Calmed down, ?couse there is a treatment to this, all right. Doctor told me I got a slight neurosis and gave me lexaurin ? even the small dose gave me so hard time (anxiety got through the roof) I had to stop that pill. Tried to go on without it.
One month after Holland, I typed word ?depersonalisation? to google. Just because I felt this could be a symptom too, that it could be called like that.
I found this discussion board, read damn lot of it and recognised myself in so many stories.
And I freaked out.
Went straight to shrink (professional for drug induced problem). He told me ? it?s all right, it?s only an after-effect, wouldn?t be permanent ? you?d have to do a loooot more drugs than one single joint to induce a depersonalisation. He diagnosed a slight depression disorder and prescriped combo Clonazepamum + Zoloft.
One month after. Only ten days of Zoloft (the anxiety side-effect disabled me even from going to work) left me with strong tinnitus (ringing in the ears) and jaw clenching. Before, when DP started, I could sleep fifteen hours a day. Now, with tinnitus, I couldn?t sleep at all.
Started to treat myself for tinnitus. Damn the DP (still only self-diagnosed), I wanna sleep, y?know. Fortunatelly, I found an expert on tinnitus and started to cope with it with the TRT therapy (more on tinnitus.org, bothering you with that on different board). All right, so I got tinnitus and my teeth clench like I was 70, not 27 that I am. I eat some pills for tinnitus, I use some masking sounds, I calmed down a bit, only to find out the DP hasn?t weakened even a damn bit.
Today, it?s three months since I ? with my own stupid ass foult ? developed DP in my own poor head. The symptoms of deja vu went away, but stayed in peoples faces... I mean ? it happens to me a lot, when I see a person on the street, the person seems to me like I knew him. That happens a lot. Then, there?s this symptom of timelessness (somebody else on this board used this word). Can?t make a difference between events two weeks ago and yesterday. The emotional flatness, world behind the glass wall (like after two beers permanently), loss of selfconfidence, high levels of anxiety and depression, all that shit remains with me.
The only pill that I use now is clonazepamum, but it helps only for the anxiety (0,25 a day, but I try as I can to stay of it). Another stuff that helps me ? talking to my family (trying to appear more ?sane? when I am with them), be with friends (even my anxiety and sadness is unbearable sometimes - cause they let me remember who I was before a what could I achieve weren?t here my brand new illness), walking in the woods, loosing myself in the movies (good or bad, I don?t really care now), going to sauna and swimming. All this helps to forget the DP for some time.
And how about that love story I started with? Never seen the girl again. Even ? since my DP began ? I think about her every night and day and I get so so sad about it all. I would give everythink just to have her back. It seems to me the only thing I have to do in my life now is to have some kids to carry on our genotype, y?know. Yes, with the only girl I ever really loved and still love ? her. But than again, wouldn?t the kids get insane as I did?
Still thinking about contacting my ex-girlfriend. But what then? If I tell her what happened to me, she would only blame herself. Not to mention the irony that I, Mr. Don?t-do-drugs, got messed my own brain with nothing else than weed. Hah. Such an irony. I shouldn?t bother my ex-girl - just because I wish the best for her. Even I would love to say ?marry me now and let?s have babies!?. It feels to me, if I asked her to come back and stuff, I would only take advantage of her. She plans to leave the republic soon for few months, so I don?t have much time to make my mind left.
Make my mind. Heh.
Well, still trying to figure that out. Trying real hard.
Two days from now, I go to a new shrink to finally get my diagnose official. I don?t like to do a lot of new medications, since I don?t react to them too well. But I still hope. I believe in myself, I believe it will get better, and if not, I believe I could adapt (cope) to this condition ? even if it sounds terrible, because that means I?ve lost that beautiful life I lived before. But I must go on, even on much lower level than I did. I just have to, because of all the people around me and maybe even because of all the people on this doscussion board.
So, the story continues. Sooner or later, I?ll be back with an update.
For now, whoever you are, thank you for reading.
